Photo by Marko Miloševi�

One of my coworkers is a little paranoid.  Well, maybe more than a little.  He’s always looking for hidden meanings in the most pedestrian announcements that are issued by our company.  To him, black is white, up is down, right is left, etc.  He thinks someone is always trying to put one over on him.  He’s Oliver Stone in corporate casual.  He’s the Conspiracy Guy.

If an announcement comes out about changes to our pension plan calculation, Conspiracy Guy thinks the worst.  He starts spreading the word that the company is scrapping the pension plan, sending all of the other Nervous Nellies into a frenzy.  I’m sure that HR appreciates all of the phone calls.  He worries constantly about the health of the company.  When a big shot retires, he wonders what scandal will be breaking in the news, be it sexual harassment, bribery, or other unethical behavior.  When layoffs are announced, he thinks the survivors are part of some sort of productivity experiment.

Conspiracy Guy is a tortured soul.  I feel for him.  If I were that paranoid, I would seek professional help.  While it’s prudent to keep an eye on the trends of your company, doing it to the extreme will only make you sick.  And let me tell you, he doesn’t look so good.  A week away from work would do wonders for him.  I’m sure this must have a carryover effect into his personal life, and I feel bad for his family.  I also feel bad for my coworkers.

Because Conspiracy Guy is affecting his coworkers.  Each unfounded rumor spreads through the ranks like wildfire, and Conspiracy Guy is there to fan the flames.  His behavior is hurting the productivity, not to mention the motivation, of anyone who happens to catch his shtick.  My old buddy Ed had a saying: “When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s hard to remember that your job was to drain the swamp.” Conspiracy Guy is creating these imaginary  “alligators”, and his coworkers focus more on those than on their real duties.  The more rational of us just think that he’s a little nuts.

I was taught a lesson about work a long time ago.  At one of my earlier jobs, I complained to my boss that some guy in another department wasn’t pulling his weight.  The exchange went something like this:

Me: Frank doesn’t do anything all day.  He just bullshits on the phone.

Boss: Does he owe you anything that you need to finish your work?

Me: No, but he shouldn’t be slacking off like that, it looks bad.

Boss: Listen, when it’s your job to clean out the barn, just keep shoveling until it’s empty.

Me: Huh?

Boss: You’re not in charge of Frank.  That’s his boss’ job.  Just worry about your own responsibilities.

That’s a lesson that Conspiracy Guy needs to learn.  Just worry about your own job.  I’ll leave you with this familiar affirmation:

God give me the strength to change the things I can. The courage to accept the things that I cannot. And the wisdom to know the difference.

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