Posts Tagged sarcasm
Humpday Sarcasm IV - George Carlin Edition
This is the fourth installment in the Humpday Sarcasm series. You can read the first three parts by clicking on the links:
Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things That I Wish I’d Said First
I thought that I’d do something different this week, and devote the entire list of sarcasms to George Carlin. Here are a few from the master:
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Just a few tidbits for a Wednesday in January. Enjoy!
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Humpday Sarcasm III
Here’s the third installment of my Humpday Sarcasm series. You can read the first two by following these links:
Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things that I Wish I’d Said First
The following quotes were taken from Robert Byrne’s book, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said:
I’m thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level. - Dana Carvey
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. - Sid Caesar
Death is nature’s way of saying, “You’re table is ready.” - Robin Williams
My karma ran over your dogma. - Unknown
They want me on all the television shows now because I did so well on “Celebrity Assholes.” - Steve Martin
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Lisa Grossman
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - Herbert Hoover
Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, “Be fruitful and multiply,” but not in those words. - Woody Allen
Have a great Wednesday!
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Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things that I Wish I'd Said First I received a book for my birthday entitled, "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said", by Robert Byrne. It's loaded with quotes from famous people, and being the smartass that I am, I thought that I'd share some of the more sarcastic entries with you. So without further ado,...... -
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The Conspiracy Guy Photo by Marko Miloševi� One of my coworkers is a little paranoid. Well, maybe more than a little. He's always looking for hidden meanings in the most pedestrian announcements that are issued by our company. To him, black is white, up is down, right is left, etc. He thinks......
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Son of Humpday Sarcasm
As I mentioned in last week’s post entitled Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things That I Wished I’d Said First, I received Robert Byrne’s book, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, for my birthday. I shared ten selections with you last week, and figured I’d keep up the tradition until someone says “Uncle”. So, here’s this week’s top ten quotes from the book:
Washington Irving. (Answer to the question “Who was the first president, Max?”) - Steve Allen’s Question Man
A tragedy is a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with an empty seat. - Unknown
Your request for no MSG was ignored. - Fortune cookie opened by Merla Zellerbach
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink, because when they get up in the morning, they’re not going to feel any better all day. - Frank Sinatra
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter. - Steven Wright
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. - Lee Trevino
It took me an hour to bury the cat, because it wouldn’t stop moving. - From The Monty Python Show
On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up till midnight and watch their hopes drop. - Richard Lewis
Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror. - Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
and my favorite of the bunch:
We had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually. - Steven Wright
Just a little snarkiness for a Wednesday. Now get back to work!
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Related Posts - Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things that I Wish I'd Said First I received a book for my birthday entitled, "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said", by Robert Byrne. It's loaded with quotes from famous people, and being the smartass that I am, I thought that I'd share some of the more sarcastic entries with you. So without further ado,......
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Dark And Light Mana Let’s discuss problem psychic vampires. When unaware they tend to be angry people, and you can feel it because they don’t just drain you, they negate you. Even if they aren’t being mean to you, it is just very hard to be present with them, though not all unpleasant people......
Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things that I Wish I’d Said First
I received a book for my birthday entitled, “The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said“, by Robert Byrne. It’s loaded with quotes from famous people, and being the smartass that I am, I thought that I’d share some of the more sarcastic entries with you. So without further ado, here goes:
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man. - Groucho Marx
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. - Napoleon
Because I’m Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out of hand. I killed him because he wouldn’t become a doctor. - Lenny Bruce
You may already be a loser. - Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
I’m glad we don’t have to play in the shade. - Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees in the shade
Bad spellers of the world, untie! - Graffito
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Philips
What the hell are you looking at? - License plate slogan for New York suggested by Steven Pearl
and my favorite:
What died? - Motto for New Jersey suggested by Steven Pearl
This could also be the motto for Staten Island. Ever drive on the West Shore Expressway? You can feel the minutes ticking off your life as you inhale the methane gas.
Bonus sarcasm not from the book:
Every time some sonofabitch gets a hardon, it costs me money. - My father, on learning that he was invited to yet another christening
Have a great Wednesday!
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