Photo by amy_b

Ladies, you can skip this post.  Really, this one is not fit for your eyes.  My wife thought the subject matter was disgusting.  It’s for the benefit of my brothers out there in the corporate world.  It also has nothing to do with personal finance, but everything to do with corporate culture and basic human decency.  It involves that scary place of bad smells and strange noises known as the Men’s Room.  Unlike the Executive Washroom of 1960s movie fantasies, these places have all the charm (and cleanliness) of a gas station bathroom

We men live by a code: What happens in the Men’s Room, stays in the Men’s Room.  Unless, of course, someone holds the door open for too long, and everyone gets a whiff of the toxic gas that permeates the place.  Corporate bathrooms are especially toxic, as they are usually large affairs designed to accommodate numerous employees.  We men are dirty, smelly pigs.  Many  don’t know the proper etiquette of the Men’s Room, so I’m going to lay it out for you guys.  Here are some suggestions that will help you straighten up and fly right:

Don’t talk to me about anything while I’m at the urinal - I don’t care where you stand on Project XYZ, or how your son’s Little League team is doing.  It stinks in here, and I’m trying to get done as soon as possible.  I’ll see you outside in a few minutes, anyway.  And watch the heavy breathing, buddy.  You shouldn’t be that winded from taking a whiz.

Photo by arvindgrover

If there are several free urinals, don’t pick the one right next to me - It’s tight enough in here.  Leave some room.  Or I’m throwing elbows.

Photo by Elsie esq.

Watch your aim - I mean, Geez, you’re inches away from the urinal.  Don’t piss on the floor.  I don’t want to step in it!  I know one guy who was put on the layoff list because of this.  True Story!

Phot by alanwoo

Don’t talk to me from the stall, either - Whatever you have to say to me can wait until we get out.  You may find yourself talking to an empty room.

Don’t talk on your cellphone when you’re in the stall, either - Dude!  Look at what you’re doing.  Are you going to wash your cellphone when you’re done?  Put the Crackberry away.

No loud noises from the stall - Sounds made by bodily functions can’t be avoided.  I’m talking about vocal sounds.  I don’t care how many sliders you ate at White Castle last night.  Keep it down, will ya?  Some guys sound like they’re in labor in there.  There was less groaning in the maternity ward when my wife gave birth to my kids.

Two words: Mercy Flush - After you’ve serenaded those of us trapped at the urinals with your strange evacuation noises, don’t leave your deposit marinating for all of us to smell.  Like George Carlin used to say, it’s not the smell, it’s the burning of my eyes!  Flush the toilet.  I beg of you.

Tell me you’re not eating in there - I swear to God, some guys start and end the digestive process in the same place.  That’s gross, man.  No wonder you have diarrhea.  Leave your chow and coffee at your desk.

Don’t sleep in the stall - Your snoring is distracting.  Get back to work before your boss finds you.

Photo by -mrsraggle-

Don’t use my newspaper for your toilet reading - I might have wanted to read it, but not anymore.  It’s yours now.  Buy me a fresh one.  After you wash your hands.

Photo by denniskatinas

Wash your freakin’ hands when you’re done - Especially if you work in the IT department, and have to touch my computer or phone.  Yuck.  Remember what your hands where just doing.

Better yet, also use the Purell dispenser - Belt and suspenders, you know what I mean?  You can’t be too clean.

Clean up after yourself - Don’t throw paper towels on the floor, or toilet paper, for that matter.  This place is gross enough.  Police your area.

Photo by Lars Plougmann

I hope that this post will help make your next Men’s Room visit a positive experience.  Why not do your part by forwarding it to your friends to help spread the word?  Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.  Thanks.

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