Archive for category Rants

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I was in a weekly program status meeting today.  Call me the token beancounter.  I attended just to give the impression that the finance department was keeping an eye on the exploits of these engineers, and that they didn’t go to far off on a tangent, and just stuck to the contract requirements.  I’m not sure if they bought all of that.

After I spoke my piece, I was forced to spend the next hour listening to the propeller heads argue about:

• the benefits of a swappable circuit card configuration;
• where to locate a fan in the test bench;
• who was taking the lead in sourcing a new cable.

If you don’t understand what these things mean, don’t worry - I didn’t either.  Also, what had started out as a status meeting morphed into a staff meeting for the lead engineer and his underlings.  I couldn’t blame them; their group has been stretched thin by layoffs and attrition, so it was probably the only time most of them had been in the same room in a while.

But now I’m getting off-topic.  While the engineers were engaged in heavy technical discussions, I passed the time gazing out the window at a white birch tree.  I tracked the flight of a red-tail hawk as he flew over our parking lot, and thought about how many emails would be awaiting me at my computer.  It was then that I vowed to be better prepared for a boring meeting.

“The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you’re finished.” - John Corey, in Nelson DeMille’s novel Plum Island

Here are some of the ideas that I brainstormed while I served out my sentence:

1. Bring some paperwork with you - if you can do it inconspicuously, why not pass the time by catching up on some real work?  Try to limit it to actual work; one of my buddies got busted for balancing his checkbook in a staff meeting.
2. Answer emails - if you’re blessed cursed with having a Blackberry, you can knock several emails out of your inbox while someone is droning on about test program cycle times.  Why not use this freedom-robbing device for your own benefit?
3. Drinking game - keep track of how many times someone says “system”  during the course of the meeting.  Then, have that number of drinks after work.
4. Beating game - if anyone utters “proactive” more than twice, drag them out to the hallway and beat the living shit out of them.  There, that feels better!  Bow to the applause as you return to the conference room.
5. Separated at birth - look around the room, and try to figure out which celebrity or historical figure each person physically resembles.  In this meeting alone, I got Grizzly Adams, Charles Bronson, Napoleon Dynamite, Ruth Buzzi, Droopy Dog, James Caan, Aaron Neville, T-Bag from Prison Break, Kathy Bates, and Bobby Knight.  A few participants defied description.
6. Grab some Z’s - this only works when the room is dark, otherwise it’s too obvious.  Larger crowds offer better protection from discovery.  Not recommended if you snore.  Or drool.
7. Stare out the window - provided you ‘re in a conference room with windows.  Watching that hawk sure put me in a better mood.  It doesn’t have to be a hawk; maybe an attractive person might be bending over to pick up something that she dropped, and she’s wearing those pants that…well, OK, I’m a pig.  Use your imagination.
8. Daydream - if you’re certain that you won’t be called upon, why not let your mind wander?  You might be able to let your subconcious solve a problem.  You could even combine it with staring out the window.
9. Paging Mr. Ben Dover - have a prearranged time when a coworker buddy calls the conference room to request your presence at an urgent meeting.  When I worked in a building with a paging system, we used to do this all the time.  The receptionist would call you over the P.A. system to report to the boss’ office, and you were home free.  So long, suckers! (That was 2 “systems”, for those keeping track)
10. Pay attention - a last resort, perhaps, but if you really want to broaden your horizons, you could try to get past the technical jargon to really understand what’s going on.  I usually can pick up a few new terms in these meetings.  It helps when trying to relate to the engineers, who are a different species than us beancounters.  I think this is a proven fact, but I could be wrong.

What do you do to pass the time in those mind-numbing meetings?

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