Archive for category Career

Reshuffling at the Office

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Change it had to come

We knew it all along

-from The Who song “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

We had another reorganization at my company.  That’s the second in about six months, for those keeping score at home.  Divisions were consolidated, all in the name of enabling future growth.  I’m a skeptic and a realist (and maybe a little paranoid), so I expected some announcement about cost-cutting.

But the world looks just the same

And history ain’t changed

Well, we didn’t have to wait long.  Two days later brought an official release from our VP, who broke the bad news in an email.  Layoffs would start in a month.  Anyone who wished to be put on a voluntary list should stop by HR for the necessary paperwork.  Happy Monday!

Meet the new boss

On a surprising note, the incumbent leaders in my area were all sacked.  That there replacements were from a lower pay grade was merely a coincidence.  Yeah, right.  We had our first staff meeting with the new big cheese today.

Same as the old boss?  Maybe not.

Well, I was pleasantly surprised by the new head honcho.  He stated that the restructuring made little sense to him, too.  He said to expect personnel cuts in our organization, and admitted that he had no idea in which direction the company was moving in regard to our division.  A pretty candid admission for the first day.  I think I’m going to like this guy.

As long as I’m not on his layoff list…

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Things to Do in a Boring Meeting

Serves her right
Photo by riddle_

I was in a weekly program status meeting today.  Call me the token beancounter.  I attended just to give the impression that the finance department was keeping an eye on the exploits of these engineers, and that they didn’t go to far off on a tangent, and just stuck to the contract requirements.  I’m not sure if they bought all of that.

After I spoke my piece, I was forced to spend the next hour listening to the propeller heads argue about:

  • the benefits of a swappable circuit card configuration;
  • where to locate a fan in the test bench;
  • who was taking the lead in sourcing a new cable.

If you don’t understand what these things mean, don’t worry - I didn’t either.  Also, what had started out as a status meeting morphed into a staff meeting for the lead engineer and his underlings.  I couldn’t blame them; their group has been stretched thin by layoffs and attrition, so it was probably the only time most of them had been in the same room in a while.

But now I’m getting off-topic.  While the engineers were engaged in heavy technical discussions, I passed the time gazing out the window at a white birch tree.  I tracked the flight of a red-tail hawk as he flew over our parking lot, and thought about how many emails would be awaiting me at my computer.  It was then that I vowed to be better prepared for a boring meeting.

“The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you’re finished.” - John Corey, in Nelson DeMille’s novel Plum Island

Here are some of the ideas that I brainstormed while I served out my sentence:

  1. Bring some paperwork with you - if you can do it inconspicuously, why not pass the time by catching up on some real work?  Try to limit it to actual work; one of my buddies got busted for balancing his checkbook in a staff meeting.
  2. Answer emails - if you’re blessed cursed with having a Blackberry, you can knock several emails out of your inbox while someone is droning on about test program cycle times.  Why not use this freedom-robbing device for your own benefit?
  3. Drinking game - keep track of how many times someone says “system”  during the course of the meeting.  Then, have that number of drinks after work.
  4. Beating game - if anyone utters “proactive” more than twice, drag them out to the hallway and beat the living shit out of them.  There, that feels better!  Bow to the applause as you return to the conference room.
  5. Separated at birth - look around the room, and try to figure out which celebrity or historical figure each person physically resembles.  In this meeting alone, I got Grizzly Adams, Charles Bronson, Napoleon Dynamite, Ruth Buzzi, Droopy Dog, James Caan, Aaron Neville, T-Bag from Prison Break, Kathy Bates, and Bobby Knight.  A few participants defied description.
  6. Grab some Z’s - this only works when the room is dark, otherwise it’s too obvious.  Larger crowds offer better protection from discovery.  Not recommended if you snore.  Or drool.
  7. Stare out the window - provided you ‘re in a conference room with windows.  Watching that hawk sure put me in a better mood.  It doesn’t have to be a hawk; maybe an attractive person might be bending over to pick up something that she dropped, and she’s wearing those pants that…well, OK, I’m a pig.  Use your imagination.
  8. Daydream - if you’re certain that you won’t be called upon, why not let your mind wander?  You might be able to let your subconcious solve a problem.  You could even combine it with staring out the window.
  9. Paging Mr. Ben Dover - have a prearranged time when a coworker buddy calls the conference room to request your presence at an urgent meeting.  When I worked in a building with a paging system, we used to do this all the time.  The receptionist would call you over the P.A. system to report to the boss’ office, and you were home free.  So long, suckers! (That was 2 “systems”, for those keeping track)
  10. Pay attention - a last resort, perhaps, but if you really want to broaden your horizons, you could try to get past the technical jargon to really understand what’s going on.  I usually can pick up a few new terms in these meetings.  It helps when trying to relate to the engineers, who are a different species than us beancounters.  I think this is a proven fact, but I could be wrong.

What do you do to pass the time in those mind-numbing meetings?

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A First Time for Everything?

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I was in a meeting, along with a number of my coworkers (including the Comedian), with my boss’ boss, Fearless Leader, the VP of Finance for my division.  After his assurance that we, as a company, were on the right track, he went around the room, asking what projects we were working on.  When it was my turn, a gave a rundown of the activities of a team that I’d been selected for, and almost immediately regretted my decision.

As the words were leaving my mouth…

As the words were leaving my mouth, I could imagine what would be waiting for me after the meeting.  I could already see the Comedian making smooching sounds and telling me to wipe the shit off my nose.  He was kind, though, and basically said that you have to kiss ass in times like these.

Now, wait a minute…

WHOA! Kiss ass?  Me?  It goes against everything that I stand for.  All I did was state that I’d been picked for the team, and that we were trying to formulate a cross-division policy on the topic.  That we’d made some strides, and were soliciting the opinions of some additional subject-matter experts.

And you’ll know him by his flailing legs…

Now, I know a kiss-ass when I see one.  In fact, I’ve written about the Office Snitch, ass-kisser bar none.  You can always tell where he is;  just look for my boss.  He’s attached to the pair of legs that stick out of my boss’ rear end.  You can’t see the rest of him, he’s so far up there.  He must have read this book:

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So, don’t be an ass-kisser.  It will just alienate you from the rest of your colleagues.  Let your accomplishments speak for themselves.  Ass-kissing is a short-term strategy at best.

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The Comedian at Work

Every group of workers has a comic amongst them.  He lightens the mood, pointing out the absurdities of rules and procedures.  In my office, our own funny man, much like the Comedian from the Watchmen comics, tends to be a little darker in his approach to humor.

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Our Comedian is a true original.  Nobody is safe from his satiric barbs.  He’s quick with a comeback, downplaying his frequent jabs with, “you put that one on a tee for me.”  His appearance is deceiving, too, as he approaches everything with an air of annoyed nonchalance.  It would appear to an outsider that he doesn’t care about his job, his responsibilities, or his coworkers.  That outsider couldn’t be more off base.

The Comedian, you see, is a disguise.  Underneath the facade dwells an intelligent man who cares deeply about his responsibilities.  Those responsibilities include not only his job, but the well-being of his colleagues.  While he might try to convince everyone that he doesn’t give a hoot about anything,  subtle clues emerge about his true intentions.  After some harmless needling, he’ll jump in and help with a problem.  He meets all of his deadlines, and produces quality work.  But there is one thing that he does that’s a dead giveaway to his true self.

His biggest benefit: his honesty.  He ’s the only one who isn’t afraid to say what he truly thinks.  He’s the King Solomon of the office.  If you want the straight dope, you ask the Comedian.  He pulls no punches, and suffers no fools.  Take it or leave it.

He’ll also ask the questions that nobody else has the balls to ask.  During a recent gathering with upper management, he asked the VP what everyone else had on their mind: “So, when do the layoffs start?”  After a stunned silence, the VP gave the standard, non-answer answer.  The Comedian, our champion, rolled his eyes and sat down.  A brave question to ask, but not without its perils.  I’m sure that he now has a bullseye on his back.  No VP likes to be showed up.

The Comedian is our pressure-release valve.  When tensions rise in the office due to unrealistic deadlines, and everyone’s hackles are up, a well-timed one-liner from the Comedian diffuses the tightness in the office.

So I’ll enjoy the Comedian for as long as he shares our foxhole, which may not be long.  Even he acknowledged that possibility, as he asked me after the meeting with the VP, “Where do they keep the cardboard boxes?”  I’ll miss his willingness to take one for the team.

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Sins of Omission

wash away your sins
Photo by Lori Greig

A husband neglects to tell his wife that he forgot to fill up her car after using all of her gas.  A child doesn’t mention that he failed a science test because it’s close to Christmas.  You neglect to tell your boss that you came in 20 minutes late this morning.  What do these minor sins of omission have in common?  The people who’ve been kept in the dark will find out about it, eventually.

Everybody does it

I guess you could call it karma, or what comes around goes around.  Many times, we don’t share the entire truth with people because A. We don’t want to hurt their feelings, or B. We don’t want to catch a rash of shit for our mistakes.  Probably more often the latter.  I know that I’ve kept things quiet a number of times, usually for my own benefit.  It must be that selfish gene that I was born with; it causes many of my character flaws.

No big deal

Most of these secrets are harmless.  We rationalize them away, because they are minor offenses.  But what happens when we extend our tolerance, and really start to slack off?  What happens when we’re tempted to cover up a major screw-up with silence?  If the inevitable happens, and someone finds out that could do you harm, you’re screwed.  Just like some of the leaders of my company’s finance department.

Big rationalizations

See, there was some concern over the accuracy of our financial statements.  It seems that our leader was turning a blind eye to some shady accounting practices.  I guess he figured that what the auditors didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.  But we have some pretty sharp auditors, the kind that take delight in pouring over balance sheets with a fine-toothed comb.  They get even more excited when they spot something fishy.

Repercussions

So, our finance honcho and his henchmen started to circle the wagons.  This raised even more suspicion (There’s that thing that I mentioned about being found out).  And believe me, there’s hell to pay when you’ve crossed an auditor, and they find out about it.  So, for our CFO, his sin of omission cost him, and his staff, their jobs.

So, if you’re going to keep something to yourself, make sure it’s a minor thing.  You don’t want to get nailed for a big screw-up.  Come clean early; it might save your job.

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Don’t Go Through Life Seeking Forgiveness

Sorry - On Australia Day
Photo by spud murphy

We all run into the type of person who’s always sorry for disappointing you.  They’re late for a holiday dinner.  “I couldn’t find my car keys.” They forget to pick up milk on the way home.  “I was in a rush, and forgot to write it down.” They don’t show up for an important meeting.  “I was on a telecon with the rep from XYZ Corp, and couldn’t break away.” Sometimes, we might even do it ourselves, and we expect to be forgiven for our small indiscretion.

My dog ate my homework

But what happens when it becomes a pattern, a modus operandi?  You’re always apologizing for something that you did or didn’t do.  Your reputation suffers.  People label you as a person that can’t be counted on, because your track record shows that you’ll eventually fail to come through in the clutch.  If you can’t be relied upon, what value do you have to other people?  I worked for a controller who fired a highly skilled worker because he called in sick too often on Mondays.  How much was too often?  Twice.  I kid you not.

…but at least you’re here

I had a cousin who wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, if you get my point.  But his boss absolutely loved him, no matter how many times he had to re-do his work.  The secret: he always perservered, and left no job unfinished.  He was a man of his word.  He always showed up for work, too, and on time.  The saying, “You ain’t worth a damn, but at least you’re here”, would apply in this case.  His boss valued his reliability over his somewhat lacking ability.

Pull your weight

I had a discussion in this vein with my son the other day.  We were talking about the remaining free agent pitchers, and Jon Garland’s name came up.  I told him that I thought that Garland was just mediocre, but that he always ate up lots of innings.  In other words, he wasn’t in the same class as John Lackey or Rich Harden, but that you could count on him for his consistency.  He would win about 12 games and give the bullpen a break, just what you look for in a 5th starter.  Harden and Ben Sheets, while possessing far more ability, are always coming up with sore arms.  Garland will probably make about $4 million this year.  Not too shabby for mediocrity.

Making the cut

Look around your office.  It might be full of mediocre workers, but they probably share some of the same traits as my cousin and Jon Garland.  They always show up, like cops to a loud party.  They can be counted on, and their reliability may be the only thing keeping them employed.  So when push comes to shove, and it’s time for downsizing, a worker who is more skilled but less reliable might be sacrificed instead of a less skilled worker who can always be counted on.

Think about that before you have to make an excuse.  Like Jethro Gibbs says, don’t apologize.  It’s a sign of weakness.

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Are You on “Lombardi Time”?

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Vince Lombardi, the all-time great football coach of the Green Bay Packers, epitomized preparation and hard work.  He also operated on “Lombardi Time”, the principle that you should show up to a meeting, prepared, at least 10-15 minutes early.  His winning record speaks to the success of his time management.  Alas, Lombardi Time seems to be foreign to many of my coworkers, and they demonstrate their ignorance of this principle far too often.

“The individual who is habitually tardy in meeting and appointment, will never be respected or successful in life” - Rev. Willbur Fisk

Early this week, I was in two separate meetings where the start time was treated as a loose guideline.  In one meeting, one late comer literally stood on a chair and turned the clock back to joke that he was early.  Everyone laughed, except the guy running the meeting.  In the second meeting, another late arrival disrupted the meeting by slamming the door shut, stepping on another person’s foot, and grunting his way out of his coat.  I’m sure that Miss Manners would have been horrified.  I know that Jake would have been fuming.

“He was always late on principle, his principle being that punctuality is the thief of time.” - Oscar Wilde

Jake, you ask? Jake was a big shot in the first company that I worked for.  Jake also operated on Lombardi Time, which is where I first heard the expression.  Jake expected all of his managers to be on time for his monthly staff meeting.  I pity the fool who arrived late for Jake.  See, Jake wouldn’t tolerate any Johnny-come-latelies who barged in and disrupted the proceedings.  Jake was an old-school hardass.  His remedy was locking the door at the scheduled start time, and then taking attendance! If your name didn’t show up on the attendance list, you were in for an ass-whoopin’.  Needless to say, you were only late for Jake’s meeting once.  The second lateness was your ticket out the door.

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” - Franklin P. Jones

I’m not saying you should show up for every meeting 15 minutes early.  The cost of the time spent waiting for meetings to start over the course of a year would be staggering.  I’m just saying that you should show up early.  Let’s say two minutes early.  That gives you enough time to pick out a choice seat and spread out your materials.  Oh, yeah, and when your Outlook calendar reminder pops up 15 minutes before the meeting, this is not the time to start printing out the attachments for the meeting.  If you follow my end-of-the-day system, the attachments should already be sitting on your desk when you walk in (you’ll have printed them the night before).  If you are late, try to be a little less conspicuous.  You’ll be a less disruptive force.  And Jesus, don’t step on my feet!

I used to be arrogant, and felt that my time was more important than anyone else’s.  Running a few of your own meetings makes you appreciate the punctual people.  I’m not perfect; I’ll still occasionally find myself racing toward the closing door of a meeting.  But I’m working on improving my on-time performance, especially after reading this quote:

Punctuality is the stern virtue of men of business, and the graceful courtesy of princes. ~ Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Here’s some good reading from the coach:

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Lessons from Watching Jeopardy!

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The wise man knows he doesn’t know.  The fool doesn’t know he doesn’t know. - Lao Tzu

One of the TV shows that I like to watch is Jeopardy! Sure, I like to show off how smart I am for my wife, which counteracts my failure to remember to take out the garbage. But I also use it as a barometer of how much I don’t know.  And that’s today lesson, grasshopper.

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
-William Shakespeare

I think it’s in our nature to want to learn new things.  The problem is, many corporations develop procedures that force everyone to do things the same exact way.  While this does create a consistency, it can also stifle any positive development.  I’ve talked about this in the past in this post:

Throw Out the Cookbook

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. -Socrates

Procedures serve their purpose.  You need some consistency in the day-to-day operations of your company.  But procedures should be written that allow a little “wiggle room”, in order to let you deviate a bit.  Otherwise, they should be changed when necessary.  The business world is constantly evolving, and companies must be flexible enough to be able to change on the fly.

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomfort. - Arnold Bennett

Procedures keep us in our comfort zones.  They are the Golden Handcuffs, the leash that keeps us in line.  They’re the excuse of last resort.  If your strategy doesn’t work, you can always blame it on the procedure that you followed.  But why blindly follow a procedure that’s forcing your company to weaken itself?  Take a hard look at your procedures, and change the ones that do more harm than good.  Break out of that cage right now!

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Holiday Traditions

Pencil Crayon Tree
Photo by *Sally M*

We all have our favorite holiday traditions.  I’ll be celebrating one of them tonight, as my family will gather for the traditional Italian-American fish-themed Christmas Eve dinner.  But, I’ve got several hours to kill before I gorge myself on bacalla and lunguine with clam sauce, so I thought I’d write this post.

At work

Before the Christmas break can begin, you have to survive through the weeks leading up to the big day.  For me and my fellow finance-types, this is our busy season.  There are salients to meet, objectives to achieve, and action items to close out, during the time when everyone else starts to slack off.  Oh, well.  We’ll just have to work harder.  You may also have holiday get-togethers, whether it’s the official company-sanctioned luncheon, or an ad-hoc trip to the local watering hole for some off-track betting from Tampa Downs (not that I ever did that.  Honest).  Then there’s the dreaded Secret Santa, where employees get to exchange Chia Pets and other crappy gifts.  For many of us in the defense industry, we get to use the floating holidays that we couldn’t take off during the year.  That equates to a week off between Christmas and New Year’s Day.  I like that tradition.

At home

When I’m home for the holidays, I don’t do anything work-related.  I feel it’s a time of year for family, and whatever I haven’t cleared from my plate can wait until after the holidays are over.  This was of particular importance when my kids were little, and I needed time to get into my Santa Claus costume.  Of course, sometimes a phone call from my boss has interrupted my family time, but I try to let everyone else know that I’ll be unavailable.  So, before any other Christmas tradition can start, I try to disconnect from my work life.  It’s a well-appreciated break, and it helps me to recharge and get ready for the onslaught of another year.  I probably should try to get to midnight mass.  I try to stay out of my wife’s way as she bakes her Italian pastries and whips up her world-class eggplant parmigiana.  We might squeeze in a trip to Manhattan to see the tree.  So after we finish the Feast of the Seven Fishes, and before my traditional New Year’s Day hangover, I get my act together, and start focusing on what I want to accomplish in the coming year.

Your traditions

What traditions do you follow?  Are you lucky enough to get some extended time off for the holidays?  Are you in retail, and stuck working to midnight?  If so, I feel your pain.  I’ve worked late on Christmas Eve.  And New Year’s Eve.  One year, I even missed the Super Bowl due to a store inventory.  Right now, I’ll take the risk of a layoff with the promise of having a week off for Christmas.  Of course, my attitude could change if this were last April.

So, Merry Christmas to all of you, and I hope you get to spend some quality time with your families!

Enrique (The Corporate Barbarian)

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Keep it Simple, Stupid

Mousetrap - August 10, 07
Photo by ThrasherDave

Simplicity is an acquired taste. Mankind, left free, instinctively complicates life. - Katharine Fullerton Gerould

One of my coworkers was seeking authorization to spend funds in advance of the receipt of a contract.  In other words, he wanted the company to foot the bill for some long-lead-time material so that he could make his deliveries to his customer on time.  The contract award was bogged down on the negotiation of terms and conditions, and the customer had instituted a faster-than-normal delivery schedule.   Not wanting to disappoint the customer, my coworker took the proactive step of securing the funds.  But that’s not the point I’m writing about.

Crazy parking sign
Photo by Matt Ryall

The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity. - Douglas Horton

See, he had to fill out an authorization form.  It included cost projections, an estimated date of when we would receive the contract from our customer, and a termination liability profile.   It also included a box that needed to be filled in called “Maximum Potential for Future Income”.  There were convoluted instructions for filling in the box that would have made Rube Goldberg’s head spin, including a confusing formula.  We stood around staring at it like a bunch of chimpanzees contemplating a shiny object.  After running the numbers, and making a few phone calls, it became apparent that what they were looking for was a projection of net income.  Why they didn’t just label the box “Net Income” is beyond me.

Confusing signage
Photo by miss_rogue

Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. - Thor Heyerdahl

Unfortunately, this is but one example of over-complication that I’ve run into at work.   I’ve had to read and re-read procedures to get to the basic points that they contain.  On more than one occasion, we’ve found situations that were not addressed in these wordy procedures.   The writer of the procedure would have been better served by explaining the standards in plain language, rather than talking like a Philadelphia lawyer.  My car lease has less words in the fine print!

Confused traffic signal
Photo by caesararum

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability. - Edsger Dijkstra

So, I beseech you. Keep it simple.  What you gain by forgoing the flowery dialogue will help speed things up significantly.  In the example that I used, no less than 6 people were involved in figuring out what “”Maximum Potential for Future Income” meant.  Everyone at work already knows how smart you are.  Save your fellow chimps some time by cutting to the chase and keeping it simple.

chimp418ff89lzhl_sl500_aa240_

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