Photo by AlexK100

Today, at work, I had an encounter with a shadowy figure;  a cunning, pernicious specter;  a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I caught him in the act, doing what he does best: undermining the cohesiveness of the workforce.  He’s that well-known office stool pigeon.  Smell a rat?  It must be the Office Snitch!

What’s up, guys?

It starts innocently enough.  A new face joins your watercooler conversations about football, or horse racing.  He never adds much to the chat, but he takes it all in.  He does ask some probing questions, though, and not about sports.  He’ll ask if you feel overloaded, or if you don’t have enough to do.  Or what you really think of the director.  Your guard is down, because there’s a certain given sanctity to office bullshitting.  So you offer an opinion.

Err, but I mean that in a good way…

And as the words are coming out of your mouth, you realize in that instant that you’ve made a mistake.  Because you know Mr. Pipeline is going to repeat what you said, verbatim, to the director.  Because the Office Snitch is an asskisser bar none.  Shamelessly so.  And he’ll use whatever intel that he picks up to further his standing with the higher-ups.

By the book

There’s the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law.  Sure, maybe you’re checking out the latest trade rumors on ESPN.com, but your work is finished, and everyone’s happy.  Ten minutes of internet browsing isn’t going to hurt anybody.  But the Office Snitch doesn’t see it that way.  He’s a letter of the law guy, through and through.  He never takes his foot off the accelerator, and expects the same of everyone.  As you can probably guess, he’s a real joy to work for.

A bag of tricks

His latest trick is to circle around the office, and secretly check up on what people are doing.  I’m sure the director loves having a toady who’s as loyal as the Office Snitch.  But what the director doesn’t understand is that the Snitch is a divisive force.  He’s killing morale with his weasely ways.  People are growing distrustful of each other.  It’s the Orwellian world of 1984 in microcosm.

Disciples

What’s even worse, is that he’s franchising.  He’s holding a recruiting drive.  So now, we not only have the Snitch to worry about, but we have to be on the lookout for his minions.  Where does it end?  Is there no hope?

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Well, the best way to combat this cloak-and-dagger espionage is to confront it.  Once a secret is exposed, it’s not a secret anymore.  One of my coworkers asked the Snitch while he made his loop of the office, “What the #&@$ are you doing?  There’s nothing to see here.”  Or words to that effect.  The patrols stopped abruptly.  I guess it’s not as much fun being a tattletale when everyone knows what you’re up to.  I’ll have to see if this tactic worked.

Anyone else had to deal with a snitch in the office?

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