Archive for June, 2010
Surprises
As I finished power-washing a couple of weekends ago, I was surprised to discover a lonely Bass Ale, sitting at the back of the fridge. There is a God! I was done with work for the day, and this brewski would be a nice way to wind down. As I poured half the bottle down my throat, I noticed a small colony of ants, busy doing whatever ants do. I remembered the fable about the ant and the grasshopper, and began to regret my hasty decision. Shouldn’t I try to make the best of my lucky find?
How often do you find yourself in a similar situation? Maybe it’s not a beer that you discover; maybe it’s an extra $20 stashed in your pants pocket as you do the laundry. Maybe the electric bill is a little light this month. Or maybe, your federal income tax refund arrives. Yahtzee! Your first reaction might be to take this new-found dough and blow it. But here’s where discipline comes in to play.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m kind of anal when it comes to forecasting my budget. I usually have a two-year spending plan laid out at any time, and keep tweaking it as I come upon new information (like my son saying he’d like to go away to college instead of staying home). I even budget for when my cesspool needs pumping, and that’s every three years. Needless to say, I don’t let much slip past my beady little eyes.
So, any windfalls are usually rolled into our savings account. It’s the ant-and-grasshopper thing. Why blow the extra cash on a cheap thrill, when I might need it down the road? I work in the defense industry, where layoffs are always just around the corner. To someone in my field, a layoff is like the cruel, hard winter in the fable. You can party now and starve later, or make it through to Spring on your savings.
The other option would be to take the loot and pay down some debt with it. It’s a win-win. So the next time you find a lonely brew in your fridge, think twice before you chug it down. Make sure you get some Doritos to go with it.
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A Trip to Greenport
Because we blew for a great vacation in the Bahamas last year, my family will be taking day trips as part of our Staycation (God, I hate that word) strategy. There’s plenty to do within driving distance, so Tri-State area, watch out, here come the Barbarians! Our first target: Greenport, on Long Island’s North Fork.
We headed east on the Long Island Expressway, and picked up the eastern part of Jericho Turnpike, or Route 25, when we hit Riverhead. This took us past the many wineries on the scenic North Fork in Peconic, such as Pindar, Osprey’s Dominion, and Raphael. Raphael is an awesome place. We went to a wedding there a few years ago. The main building resembles a Tuscan villa, with the vineyard in the back. Today, though, it was too early for a wine tasting, so we continued east.
We reached Greenport before our restaurant target, Claudio’s, opened for lunch. I paid the parking attendant a refundable $10 to watch our car, and we wandered around the harbor town, taking in a few small art galleries, and scoping out ice cream shoppes for an afternoon dessert. Claudio’s itself consists of a number of restaurants, from the casual, open-air Crabby Jerry’s and Claudio’s Clam Bar, to the main restaurant. We opted for the original, air-conditioned, Claudio’s.
The main restaurant has been owned by the Claudio family since the 1870’s, and the bar and dining area is very rustic-looking. I started off with a delicious roasted corn chowder with lump crab meat, and then stuffed myself with a pan-seared swordfish steak. They had Sam Adams on tap, a big thumbs up, and the beer was nice and cold. We were also treated to a nice view of Shelter Island across the harbor as we dined. The tab was just over 60 bucks, not bad for a lunch that included cocktails.
As we were eating our ice cream cones, my youngest son called. “Dude, are you going to the pie place?” The pie place, as he put it, is Briermere Farms. This is always a must-stop, as the pies are delicious. After picking up one apple and one apple-rhubarb, we headed home on Sound Avenue. An inexpensive vacation day, and I got to sleep in my own bed, to boot.
Is anyone else addicted to Briermere’s pies?
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When Good Hygiene Goes Bad
I was stuck in a series of day-long mandatory training sessions this week. Thankfully, today was only for half the day. Because much of the material was a rehash for me, my mind, and my eyes, tended to wander. And what my eyes saw wasn’t pretty.
The trend in recent years has been moving toward a more casual dress code. I’ve bleated about this in the past. It’s not like I’m a holdout; on the contrary, I think it’s great that I don’t have to go to the dry cleaners for my suits as often as I used to go. It’s nice not having a noose around my neck in the warm weather. I even wear jeans on the really casual Fridays, though they’re more presentable than the ripped Levi’s that many of my coworkers wear.
I don’t really care how my colleagues dress. But I see a disturbing trend, and it’s the neglect of proper hygiene. I know, ewwwwww! The guy two rows in front of me needed an ear-hair trimming something fierce. His ears looked like a bamboo forest. You’d need a macheté to cut through that growth. Just be sure to check for giant pandas. Another guy in the office reeked of body odor. This was at 9:00 in the morning. I guess he skipped the morning shower. I thought that it couldn’t get any worse, until he took off his shoes! Death, where is thy sting?
Some of the ladies were slacking off, too. One wore a sweater that smelled like mothballs. It could have come from some old maid’s attic. Another popped and snapped her chewing gum. Many wore no makeup, and most of them needed some (a few could have used a bag over their heads). The lady next to me had breath that smelled like a cross between coffe and rotting fish. The mothballed sweater smelled sweet by comparison.
Sitting at the back of the room, I was also treated to a variety of thinning hairlines. Most guys opted for the more natural Telly Savalas-look, but a couple went for the dreaded comb-over. One guy looked like he parted his hair from his shoulder. As my wife would say, that’s not fooling anybody. Time to go with the Kojak, buddy.
So if you’re treated to one of these sights at work, why suffer in silence? Just print out a copy of this post, and leave it on their chair, anonymously. Hopefully, they’ll get the hint, and clean up their act.
Just watch out for the pandas.
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The Awful Truth
I’d like to talk about a character that everyone claims they want to hear more from: The Truth. Not a day goes by without someone demanding, “I want the Truth!” In the Gospel of John, we’re reminded that, “The truth shall set you free.” Superman fought for truth , justice, and the American Way. Perhaps Jack Nicholson was closer to the mark when he exclaimed, “You can’t handle the truth!” Let’s take a closer look at this misunderstood guy, the Truth, and why he doesn’t get invited to many parties.
I can remember my mother always reminding me that I should always tell the truth. This reminder usually came after some mysterious accident where something was broken, the unknown culprit still at large. In this case, the truth was being used as a vehicle for assigning blame to the offending party. But in my neighborhood, we kids stuck together. Being a rat was frowned upon. Another blow against the Truth.
They say the truth hurts. Which is why his more politically-correct brother, Half-Truth, is usually a more welcome guest. I suspect that when someone asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”, they would rather have Half-Truth answer the question. He would break it to them gently, whereas the Truth would respond, “No, it’s your big ass that makes you look fat.” See, the Truth has no filter; he calls ‘em the way he see’s ‘em. If you didn’t like his answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.
Which is why he’s not invited to the party. Everyone will say that they wish he was around, but secretly, they know he would start too many fights. He’s like that crazy uncle who gets drunk at the wedding reception, gooses the waitresses, and drops his pants. What I’m getting at is that the Truth may not be appropriate in all situations. He would cut through the bullshit that holds our world together, and that would be awkward.
Bullshit, as George Carlin once said, is the glue that holds our society together. Without, we’d all be our own little North Koreas, on guard against the rest of the world. Everyone wants Bullshit at their party; he’s a great guy. He allows people to coexist who would otherwise kill each other. Bullshit gets invited to the party even before alcohol. Because, while you can make it through a family gathering without alcohol (just barely), you can’t make it through without Bullshit. There would be a mass of wills being changed; just think of the staggering legal fees!
So while we all have an idealized concept of what the Truth should be (say a Wonder Woman-era Lynda Carter with her golden lasso), the real, honest Truth is a might bit uglier (maybe one of Dick Cheney’s waterboarding guys).
Think about that the next time you ask for the truth.
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The Dog-and-Pony Show
Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership on June 17th, 2010
It was presented as a chance for me to shine. Face time with one of the big boys. All good news to report. A piece of cake. The usual dog-and-pony show. Just talk to the slides, and you’ll do just fine.
And I would have done just fine, if only we were all on the same page.
With one of my program managers out on travel, I was pressed into service. I had to present the status of one of his large contracts to our director’s boss, the Super Director (in the old days he would have been considered a VP). I’m no stranger to giving presentations, and jumped at the chance to show off in front of one of the bigwigs. If I did a good enough job, maybe it would lead to something. It lead to something that I didn’t expect.
The time to present was upon me. I stood in front of the familiar conference room, and began my old soft-shoe:
“The contract is fully funded. We’ve achieved on-time deliveries for the past 6 months. We have some opportunities for support labor savings, yada yada yada, and there’s a new representative for the customer. Any questions?”
I was asking only the Super Director; everyone else in the room knew that you don’t ask any tough questions at a dog-and-pony show. That’s the point of a dog-and-pony show; it’s to show our upper management how great a job we’re doing (You need extra-long arms to be able to pat yourself on the back like that). Apparently, not everyone had read the rules. Vito has surprised me with his lack of decorum in the past. And he stayed true to form, with his own, unexpected question:
“What about the negative customer satisfaction rating that we received from the new representative last quarter? Has our relationship with the customer been damaged to hinder our ability to work together in the future?”
It was like somebody dragged the needle across an old vinyl record. The silence was deafening. I tried to speak, but it came out like Ralph Kramden, “Hommina hommina hommina”. I went from the old soft-shoe to a frenzied tap dance. I might have even broke into the Robot. DAMAGE CONTROL! I made up some bullshit, which smoothed things over, and thought of how I was going to crush Vito’s windpipe after the meeting.
After the meeting, our Director called us into his office for a quick brow-beating. “What the hell was that? You guys better have your stories straight before you go into a meeting with my boss. I don’t want to see that bullshit happening ever again!” He was right. Knowing his history as a loose cannon, I should have briefed Vito on what questions he was allowed to ask. We not only made ourselves look bad, but also the Director, in front of his boss, no less.
So the next time someone tells you it’s a sure thing, make sure you go back and cover all of your bases first. No need for a loose cannon to ruin your big moment.
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Enemies
Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership on June 16th, 2010
Photo by Caveman 92223 � On the 2010 US Tour
I was watching the movie Valkyrie the other day on HBO. If you haven’t seen it, it a Hollywoodized version of a plot to kill Hitler by his own officers. I was struck by the scene in which Tom Cruise’s character arrives at a conference at Hitler’s private retreat. Because he’s a war hero who has been maimed, he appears above reproach, and his briefcase is not searched for anything deadly. The same briefcase that contains the bomb meant for Hitler.
The irony of this is that the surrounding area of the camp was heavily guarded. You see German soldiers in trenches, staring out at the woods, waiting for an enemy that would slip by them, wearing their own uniform no less. One bored soul kills a mosquito with the lit end of his cigarette. The soldiers were expecting an enemy dressed in the uniform of the Red Army, not the German Army. They were lulled into a false sense of security.
Why this scene struck me has to do with recent events at work. A recent addition to our team, Alibi Ike, has a big target painted on him. Unfortunately, it’s been painted by his own people. He’s being undermined, and has no idea that it’s his own subordinates who want to take him down. You can feel the desperation as he tries to maintain control of his department, circling the wagons, so to speak, against an unknown enemy. If only he knew.
Much like Hitler, he wasn’t expecting his enemies to be from his own camp. Tensions in his department have been rising steadily, and I expect some form of mutiny in the near future. I haven’t been asked by either side to intervene, so I’m keeping my nose out of it. It is great theater, though, watching a conspiracy take shape. When the coup does occur, the method of assassination won’t be a bomb in a briefcase. It will be something subtler, like a screwed-up high-profile assignment. A career-ender.
So that sage advice from Sun-tzu, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”, should come with a caveat: Know who your enemy is first; he may not be the usual suspect. Then you can take precautions against the figurative bomb in the briefcase.
I’ll keep you posted about the fate of Alibi Ike.
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Made in the Shade
Photo by MagdaMontemor
As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve done a lot of power-washing the past couple of weekends. During one of my breaks from the seemingly endless toiling, I happened to let my eyes wander up into the maple trees in my backyard. Communing with nature is good for the soul, I think some hippie once said, so I figured I’d give it a try.
As I took in both the twisting branches and stunted growth, two thoughts came to mind; one, I better trim some of those dead branches before they become widow makers; and two, what determines which branches flourish and which ones wither? Is it just a random happening, or can the tree determine where to send its precious sap?
I thought about resource allocation. A stink has been made at my job because our Bid and Proposal (or B&P for you fellow defense industry weenies) funding has been slashed. It seems the company is taking an all-the-eggs-in-one-basket approach to going after new business, the emphasis being put on new, fast-lane technology, at the expense of our historically bread-and-butter products. After looking up at the trees, the same process seemed to be at work.
The tree branches that were in the shade seemed to be the ones that had their flow of sap cut off. Much like the mature products at work, they had developed as much as they possibly could. They would require far too many resources to grow anymore. It was time to send the sap to a new, unexploited area, where growth would happen more efficiently. There was more of an upside in this new path. More bang for the buck, in other words. That’s the strategy my company was following; chasing new opportunities, and letting the old, spent products run their course without further investment.
It was to my delight, then, that I found out last week that I’m being transferred to one of these new, high-profile product lines. It’s a product that’s had its problems, but there’s a huge upside to this business. Did I mention it’s a high-profile job, with lots of visibility? We’ll see where this goes. And I thought I was going to have a nice, quiet summer.
I consider it a chance to step out of the shade into the sunshine.
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The Quiet of Power-washing
Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography
Over the past couple of weekends, I’ve discovered an activity that’s great for focusing my mind. It helps me block out all distractions, because it is, in fact, distraction incarnate. I’m talking about power-washing.
Yes, you read that correctly. Power-washing (or pressure-washing. Tomato, tomahto). That ear-splitting, hand-trembling job that shakes your fillings loose and makes neighborhood dogs howl. But look past the surface, friends, and discover the magic in this tedious task. I even dabbled in multitasking, an activity I usually avoid.
There’s a certain quiet that power-washing creates (I’m sure my neighbors would disagree). Power-washing, or any mundane activity, gives your mind a chance to think. I know it sounds weird, but after a few minutes, I was able to ignore the roar of the Honda’s motor. I felt enveloped in my own little noisy world. My mind began to wander, allowing me to dream up some good ideas for posts.
But that’s not all! As I scoured my grimy deck with its laser-like blasts, I was able to, in my mind, re-arrange my tool shed, develop a study strategy for my son’s Intermediate Algebra final, select a restaurant for our wedding anniversary, and flesh out a presentation that I had to give at work. All without slicing off any toes! I definitely did not have all of my attention on the task at hand.
So the next time you’re stuck doing some thankless task, think about what else you can accomplish while you get the drudgery out of the way. As Henry Rollins once said, “If life gives you lemons, say ‘Oh yeah, I like lemons, what else you got?’” Make the best of it.
Even if it does break your back.
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Showing Off
Posted by enrique s in Career, Motivation on June 11th, 2010
Photo by BobMacInnes
After the end of yet another weekend of powerwashing, I was treated to the aerobatics of a trio of red-tail hawks. I had just lit up my last Gurkha, and easing into a lounge chair, set to polishing off a Bass ale, when I heard the shrill cry from above. It was a windy Sunday, and a weather front was moving in (bad cigar-lighting weather). As the birds fought the gusts, it reminded me of kids showing off on their bikes.
I can remember, back in the day, when my friends and I would pop wheelies in the road, and see who could hold the wheelie the longest. There would come bragging rights for the afternoon, along with the skinned elbows and knees, and the occasional chipped tooth. We’d have other contests, like holding our breath under water, which I can see were just other ways of showing off, like a bunch of teenage gorillas beating on our chests. We were just showing off our skills.
It also brought to mind the ways that we show off at work. It might take the form of finishing before everyone else (guilty), or putting the most color slides in a PowerPoint presentation (not my strong point). Unfortunately, sometimes it might mean making someone else look bad, to show how diligent you are (are you reading this, Office Snitch?), because you have nothing else to bring to the plate. Funny how childhood habits follow us throughout our lives.
I guess showing off makes us better. We try to present our best attributes, to show how skillful we are. Does standing out make you a better leader? It worked for Patton. Maybe showing off brings out the qualities that are successful, and should be emulated. Though I doubt that I’ll be soaring like those hawks anytime soon.
I watched the hawks for a long time, long enough to wish that I’d took my time drinking that Bass. It was better than any air show that I’ve ever seen. After having my senses drowned out from the noisy powerwasher for two days, the hawk’s cry was a welcome tonic. I finished my cigar, and prepared for my next day at work.
I wonder what I can do to show off this week?
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Ineptotism
From the Free Online Dictionary by Farlex:
in•ept
1. Not apt or fitting; inappropriate
2. Bungling or clumsy; incompetent
nep•o•tism
Favoritism shown or patronage granted to relatives, as in business.
And from my twisted brain:
in•ept•o•tism
Putting an incompetent relative in a key position, to the detriment to both a company’s performance and employee morale.
I’ve coined a new word (or maybe not). I had an epiphany, or most likely a shit fit, after having to deal with the unholy spawn of a company director. He was obviously a mercy hire, as I couldn’t see “Number Two” (and I do mean that scatalogically also) surviving in the wild on his own. He is ill-suited to the position he occupies, or, as my son would say, “Sucka ain’t got no skills.” He also appears to have smoked way too much weed in college.
If you think about the excruciating process of hiring a new employee, you wonder how such a dolt could slip through the cracks in the first place. His old man must have compromising pictures of the guy that hired Number Two. How else can you explain the promotion of someone with no experience, let alone competence, to a position of great importance?
It’s not that I’m naîve; I’ve worked in companies that were more inbred than some Appalachian mountain towns, where sons reported to fathers, and in-laws got preferential treatment. At least they kept their relatives who hailed from the shallow end of the gene pool in positions from which they could do no harm.
But in the case of Number Two, he’s in a position where he could do some damage. The mere fact that he was promoted over several better-qualified candidates sure pissed off lots of people. So not only is he lacking in expertise, he’s also lacking in allies. After suffering through his yammerings for two days, I don’t know how he managed to pass the drug test.
I’m hoping Number Two will come to realize that he’s in way over his head, and that the Peter Principle will prevail yet again, moving him out of harm’s way. I’m also hoping for my 401(k) to recover to pre-meltdown levels, and for the oil to stop spewing from that broken pipe in the Gulf.
Ah, wishful thinking.
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