Archive for May, 2010
Reaching New Heights in Expenses
Two DJs on the local rock station were dicussing the recent summitting of Mt. Everest by a thirteen year-old, with opposing views on the subject. One was totalling against it, calling the kid’s parents too indulgent, and that their real motives were publicity rather than the kid’s self-actualization. The other DJ, who admitted that he thought that the kid was part of a generation of numbskulls, had the opposite point of view. He figured that if the kid has an outstanding talent, why not let him develop it?
An inspiration to us all
The kid, Jordan Romero, told Time in this article, “I’m doing this to inspire other kids, hopefully across the world, to get outdoors and to set goals in life. I’m doing this to set an example for them.”
How much?
Now, I’m for anything that will get kids away from video games and out into the fresh air, but my first thought was: What does it cost to climb the highest mountain in the world? I mean, you’ve got the airfare, the travel to the mountain after you get to Nepal, the Sherpa guides, and the equipment. Couldn’t he have picked a hobby that was a little less expensive?
Hey, UFC is on
According to this eHow article, trips cost anywhere from $25,000 for a bare-bones excursion, to $60,000 for a guided trek. Holy crap! Mountaineering must be a rich person’s sport. I get nervous when my son talks about renting UFC Pay-Per-View, and that’s $50. I also wouldn’t have to freeze my ass off on the top of a mountain. Note to self: hug son when you see him.
No great loss
Not every kid will be able to follow in Jordan’s footsteps, because they lack the financial resources. But that goes for other endeavors of the rich, too, like polo or yachting. I guess the world can do with a few less polo players and mountain climbers.
Let me check that Pay-Per-View schedule…
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Facebook, Schmacebook
Many of my family and friends are on Facebook. They post pictures of vacations, wish each other Happy Birthday, arrange trips, etc. They also bug me with friend requests, and wonder why I don’t read the latest drivel on their wall. While I might be a little anti-social, my main reason for not posting on Facebook is simple: I don’t need anyone to know my personal business.
Good fences make good neighbors
One of my favorite things in the whole world is my privacy. That’s why you don’t see any pictures of my face on this website (that, and my face frightens small children). Not that I’m a hermit, but I do have large bushes that block my view of my neighbors (I’m from the Robert Frost school of neighborly relations). I’ve always had an unlisted phone number. When a cashier asks for my zip code for promotional reasons, I tell her it’s classified. I may get a funny look, but that’s the great thing about not caring what others think of me.
“Have you seen the slides of our trip to Gstaad?”
And I guess that’s part of the reason why I don’t go on Facebook: I don’t give a crap what you’re doing, either. I’ve got enough of my own shit to worry about, like layoffs and a dwindling 401(k). I don’t need to see your pictures of your Disney trip; they’re the modern equivalent of forcing people to watch a slide show of their vacation to Niagara Falls. Whoa, look at the time…
“How do I know you?”
And these friend requests. I’m hearing from people I haven’t talked to since high school. If I haven’t missed you over the last 20 years, chances are I don’t need to hear from you now. It’s the high school reunion migrated to cyberspace, where everyone bullshits about how successful they’ve become. I guess the added benefit is they can photoshop their beer bellies out of the pictures.
Popularity contest
And there’s no easier way to give more ammo to the hackers who would love to steal your identity. If they know every intimate detail of your personal life, you’re handing it to them on a silver platter. And who the hell are these strangers that want to be my friend? Hackers, or just pathetic souls who are collecting “friends” as a way of making themselves feel popular? Either way, I’ll take a pass. Nothing to see here, keep moving…
And stay out!
So rather than join the millions who waste their time posting drivel on Facebook, I’ll do something more constructive.
Like watch the Yankee game.
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Eat Your Dog!
Before Conspiracy Guy got laid off last month, his family “rescued” a greyhound that apparently couldn’t run as fast as it used to. A noble gesture, to be sure, but not a smart idea if you have an inkling that you’re about to be shitcanned from your job. Why add another mouth to feed, even if greyhounds do run on the skinny side?
If you were to look in my house (don’t get any ideas), you wouldn’t find any pets. Nor would you find any houseplants. The only living things in the house, besides my family, are the occasional spider in the basement. I don’t mind the spiders; they feed themselves, and they don’t need to be taken for a walk. The only pet that crossed the threshhold was a short-lived goldfish who now resides in a grave in the backyard. It’s not that I don’t like animals, either; it’s just that I know who would wind up picking up the dogshit in the yard: Yours Truly.
I know this, because my old man was an animal lover. He grew up on a farm in Germany, where he was always surrounded by animals of all shapes and sizes. As soon as he moved from Brooklyn to the “country”, he started accumulating his menagerie. During my childhood, we had two dogs, five cats, a rabbit, three bantam chickens, several turtles, frogs, a chameleon, and a partridge in a pear tree. Just kidding about the last one. But guess who had to clean up after this motley assortment of beasts?
My dogs were mutts, and ate anything that you put in front of them. They never went to the vet, had any shots, or took any heartworm medicine, and they were still fierce enough to scare the hell out of the mailman. I don’t know what kind of pampering a high-maintenance breed like a greyhound requires. They just look diva-esque, probably prefering squab or shaved roast beef. My mutts would have made do on the stray mailman:
Now that he’s unemployed, Conspiracy Guy will have plenty of time to pamper his pooch. As he searches for a new way to put food on his family’s table, I hope he isn’t eyeing Fido like those two castaways in that Bugs Bunny cartoon. You know, the hotdog and hamburger guys. If he has an open mind (and is desperate enough), he could look at his canine friend as a food source, like many cultures do. Gives the words “dog food” an eerie new context, doesn’t it?
I just pray that he doesn’t invite me over for dinner.
Just to show that I’m not a total ghoul, here’s a link to a greyhound rescue site: Adopt A Greyhound
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Incognito

I don’t look like your typical beancounter. I don’t wear glasses, have skinny arms, or wear a green eyeshade, either. I look more like a construction worker. One former boss once said that I look like I should be wearing a hardhat and sitting on an I-beam on a skyscraper. I took it as a compliment. My wife said that when she first met me, that I looked like I could be a rapist. I didn’t take that as a compliment.
See, I’m not a pretentious person. I come from humble beginnings, and I’ve never forgotten that. Neither does anyone else who has heard me speak, for I speak rather, err, let’s say plainly. I can hold my own when I have to give a presentation (or write a blog post), but generally, I get straight to the point, without any flowering language. To put it another way, I don’t ever have to tell anyone that I’m from Long Island. Unfortunately, I sound like an unholy union of Joe Pesci and Tony Danza, with a little Joey Buttafuco thrown in for good measure.
So, while I’m educated and reasonably well-read, when I’m out of my element, people tend to mistake me for “the help”. At first glance, people get the impression that I’m not that intelligent or successful. My earthy appearance does get me acceptance with the blue-collar set, who welcome me as one of their own. My mechanic thinks I’m just a regular Joe, and always tries to keep the price down for “the working man”. Who am I to crush his illusion of me?
I also got to mingle with the guys who installed my swimming pool. I got the whole inside dope about which clients get the best construction crews, and who to request. See, they thought I was delivering the brick pavers. Must have been my five o’clock shadow. When the lead man found out I was the homeowner, he apologized profusely for his foul language, and asked if I was going to report him to the pool company. Not to worry, compadre; your mouth is cleaner than mine!
Looking rather brutish has gotten me some extra cash. I used to help a family member on the weekends. The job involved some heavy lifting, and I guess my toiling made some customers feel bad for me. I usually came away with some nice tips. I bet they would have thought twice had they known I had an MBA.
Come to think of it, I’m sort of a double agent. I walk in both camps; stodgy, buttoned-down Corporate America, and sweaty, hard-working Middle America. I’m from the latter, but I dwell in the former.
And I never forget where I come from.
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Rate of Change
I was sent a YouTube link in an email, and the video discusses the dizzying rate of change in the Information Age. You can view it here: Did You Know? video
If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you know that I’m a proponent of change. I guess I get bored easily, and always look for the next challenge. Hence, my weight-loss and caffeine-free brainstorms. In general, I think change is usually for the better. But I see some problems that brought about by the rapid changes of the Information Age:
More electronic junk in our landfills - I have a cellphone that’s going on 6 years old. My kids call it a relic. I’m sure its brethren from the assembly line are keeping Jimmy Hoffa company in some unknown landfill. Think of all the toxic shit that goes into making these gadgets, and how it will percolate into our groundwater. A bonus gift for our grandchildren, to go along with our national debt.
Identity Theft - A greater online presence means a greater chance of your identity being stolen, whether you’re hacked, phished, or spoofed. I do all of my banking online, and have gone to great lengths to create complicated passwords and user names that I sometimes have trouble keeping straight. If your password is “password”, I recommend that you make it a little more difficult for safety’s sake.
Texting While Driving - Had texting never been invented, careless drivers would have to resign themselves to putting on eyeliner or tying their neckties while hurtling through rush-hour traffic. Technology has brought us this new menace. I don’t see this one going away anytime soon, no matter how much Oprah bitches about it. She can text and drive; she has a chauffeur.
Additional Fees - Cellphones are outdated 6 months after purchase. Time to upgrade, only you signed a two-year contract. Tough shit for you. But you’ve just got to have the latest model. No discount this time. Bend over, here it comes! Don’t worry, your old phone will have plenty of company in the landfill.
Obsolete Educations - As the video mentioned, we are preparing students for jobs that don’t yet exist. Well, how many other types of jobs that are currently being taught to college students will be obsolete in ten years? Did we really think that newspapers would become a relic from the 20th century? How can you pay off a student loan if you can’t get a job in your field?
Now that I’ve depressed you, why not subscribe? It’s free, and I’ll never spam you. Take your pick, email or RSS: Subscribe
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The Mediocrity Recipe
Liz Ryan wrote an article in Business Week entitled, “5 Ways to Ensure Mediocrity in Your Organization”. This topic really hit home for me, as I see the trend to “dumb down” employees in my own company.
Here’s her list of the 5 ways, with some personal insights from yours truly:
1. If you desire a mediocre workforce, make sure your employees know you don’t trust them.
This may be petty, but it sticks in my craw. Each month, we update an Excel form that contains some of our key financial information. This is a standardized form, straight from the home office. The settings on the form prohibit copying and pasting any formulas; the only things that you can paste are values. This becomes a pain in the ass, especially when you’re in a rush. Several attempts to get access to the settings have been denied. I guess they think that I’ll mess up their pretty formatting.
2. If you want to drive talented people away, don’t tell them when they shine.
I just posted about performance reviews, and the need to abolish them. If these relics become the only way to provide feedback to your employees, you’re doomed. Watch when the economy improves, and the brightest workers flee to more appreciative employers.
3. If you prefer a team of C-list players, keep employees in the dark.
I’ve see an alarming trend, and it all comes down to “knowledge is power”. New plans are developed behind closed doors, and then WHAM! Procedures are rolled out without any input from the people who do the work. You wind up with armchair admirals making decisions that they aren’t qualified to make, due to their detachment from the day-to-day operations. I guess if you don’t ask for a dissenting opinion, you don’t have to listen to it.
4. If you value docility over ingenuity, shout it from the rooftops.
This reminds me of an old saying: “He’s a great guy. Wouldn’t say “shit” even if he had a mouthful.” Change is the engine that drives ingenuity. Putting people on a leash runs counter to this. Too many restrictive procedures smother the flame of creativity. You wind up with everyone doing everything the same exact way. We are not a bunch of assembly-line robots.
5. If you fear an empowered workforce more than you fear the competition, squash any sign of individualism.
I frequently do things “outside the box”, in order to facilitate progress. My philosophy is that it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. I guess that my contributions still outweigh my minor rule-bending, and that my efforts show that my heart is in the right place. But many years ago, at my first job, there was a rule that you couldn’t be in the cafeteria 15 minutes after starting time, which was 7:00 am. The thought was that it was OK to waste the first 15 minutes of the day, but that was it. One day, after coming in an hour early to help my boss witha deadline, I was caught by a shop foreman in the cafeteria after 7:15. As he started taking my name down, I was reminded that no good deed goes unpunished. There I was, trying to help out by coming in at an ungodly hour, and I get written up by some weasel for getting a cup of joe. My boss straightened things out with the weasel, but that crap really irks me. I left that job soon after.
There you have it - a recipe for disaster, no doubt. So, what will be left after all of the best performers have jumped ship? A company teeming with the bitter dregs of mediocrity. You reap what you sow.
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Deming was Right - Kill the Performance Review!
I’ve mentioned W. Edwards Deming in earlier posts. We share a dislike for performance reviews, that annual rite of passage that companies use to justify the shitty raises that they’re about to dole out. Samuel A. Culbert of the Wall Street Journal agrees with Deming, and explains why in this article:
Yes, Everyone Really Does Hate Performance Reviews
Culbert says:
This corporate sham is one of the most insidious, most damaging, and yet most ubiquitous of corporate activities. Everybody does it, and almost everyone who’s evaluated hates it. It’s a pretentious, bogus practice that produces absolutely nothing that any thinking executive should call a corporate plus.
I agree. In most of companies where I’ve toiled, employees are rated on a scale of 1 to 5, with a one equating to a “don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-ass-on-the-way-out”, to a five, where the sun actually shines out of your asshole (though I’ve never actually witnessed this feat). Most employees fall somewhere in between. So, by eliminating 2 of the 5 choices, you just lump everyone into a pile of mediocrity.
Culbert talks about the havoc these reviews cause. In my company, we do a self-assessment, in the form of a computer file, which is then reviewed by our supervisor. My supervisor, who doesn’t use the data for anything, usually asks, “Did you fill everything out?”, and then approves the form without even reading it. Talk about a waste of time and energy.
I think a better alternative would be a focus on employee development. I think they had a word for it in the olden days: mentoring. If you want to develop good employees, why not take some time to “show them the ropes”? Take an employee under your wing. Really show them what it takes to get to the next level. Yes, this actually requires that the manager do some managing. Not everything good can come out of a computer. Culbert offers his suggestion for a better way:
If you’re a boss, and your subordinate isn’t succeeding, something is broken here. Doing more of the same isn’t going to cut it. It’s now time for you to ask, “What do you need from me to deliver what we are both on the firing line to produce?” And just as important, it’s time for you to listen to the answer.
Asking and listening. Imagine that. It’s called a conversation, and it’s a rarity in workplaces today. Only by hearing what the other person thinks, and putting that person’s actions in the appropriate context, can you actually see what the person is saying and doing — and how together you can get where the company needs you to go.
It’s time to move beyond emails, to get back to the basics of face-to-face contact. If you want to teach a child how to tie their shoelaces, you don’t send them to a website; you sit down next to them, and show them how it’s done. The same applies to your employees. Take the time to show them; it shows that you actually give a crap about their success.
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Alibi Ike
Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership, Motivation, Rants on May 18th, 2010
Alibi Ike was a character in a series of short stories written by Ring Lardner. They centered around a baseball player who was prone to making excuses for his shortcomings.
Several excuses are always less convincing than one. - Aldous Huxley
In the midst of the recent layoffs and reorganization at my place of business, my group inherited a company lifer from another area. While he has a finance background, and seems to be a decent guy, I think he’s going to have trouble lasting through the next layoff. The reason: he likes to make excuses. He’s our very own Alibi Ike.
Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anyone else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. - Henry Ward Beecher
Well, they sound innocent enough:
“I just took over this project, so you’ll have to bear with me.”
“We used to have a larger staff, but I’ve lost 40% of my people.”
“I thought so-and-so was handling that one.”
“Everyone’s morale is down due to the layoffs.”
“I wanted to stay late to help, but I had a doctor’s appointment last night.”
“I know it’s crunch time, but I had this vacation planned long before I was transferred into this department.”
On their own, they don’t sound like a big deal. But I sit within earshot of Ike, and I see a pattern developing. A pattern that makes me think that Ike’s a little full of shit.
Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure. - Don Wilder and Bill Rechin
If Ike only knew what our boss valued most: accountability. I once worked for a controller who was, err, let’s just say he was exacting. He looked like John Locke from Lost. When our computer system crashed the night before his flash numbers were due, he would accept no excuse for missing the deadline. “We have four hours. Get your ass and a calculator over to shipping and get me my sales numbers!” True, he was a prick, but he did get his flash numbers in on time.
Success is a tale of obstacles overcome, and for every obstacle overcome, an excuse not used. - Robert Brault
The controller taught me a lesson that day: any obstacle can be overcome if you perservere. So when you’re hit with a challenge, stop whining about how hard it is. Challenges are difficult in their design; that’s why they’re called challenges. Suck it up and find a way around it. Don’t let yourself off easy with an excuse.
The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other person finds an excuse. ~Author Unknown
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Who Have You Taken for Granted Today?
Every office has that generous guy who’s got a stash of candy for everyone to enjoy. At my old company, I worked with a little Italian guy from the Bronx. Let’s call him Cosimo. Cosimo was that guy. His cubicle was brimming with Snickers bars, Chips Ahoy cookies, Twizzlers, Animal Crackers, etc. If you could name it, Cosimo would have it at the ready.
Cosimo would also spring for Italian heroes from a catering place that he knew. He’d always ask me to join him, but I would always decline, citing my perpetual need to lose weight. But I did indulge in the junk food at his cubicle from time to time. He never asked for donations to keep the cupboards full, and never expected any. Needless to say, Cosimo’s selflessness was returned exponentially by his many friends.
But don’t mistake his generosity as the sign of a sucker. When an office cheapskate started stealing lunches from the common refrigerator (the lowest form of stealing), Cosimo doled out a harsh form of justice that only he could dream up. He set a trap for the sandwich thief by coating the inside of his bread with Wite-Out. Yes, you read that right. The guy got so sick that I actually felt sorry for him. He must have tasted Liquid Paper for a week.
My current company used to employ a similar character. I say used to, because he was one of the victims of our recent layoff. Patrick was of Irish descent, but he was definitely a soul brother of Cosimo. Their generosity was a common trait. Patrick didn’t have a mean bone in his body.
Guys like Cosimo and Patrick take the edge off of the job. Patrick also had a candy stash, but his major contribution to office mirth was his weekly organization of the Chinese food order. He would collect the money from everyone, phone in the order, and pick it up at the next town over. If the restaurant messed up the order, Patrick would make another trip to pick up any omitted items. He did this all with a smile on his face.
I bring up Cosimo and Patrick because I realize that I’ve taken them for granted. There haven’t been any volunteers to order the Chinese food, and it looks like the weekly Chinese food routine has left with Patrick. His absence makes the job suck much worse.
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