Archive for April, 2010
The Ghost of Layoffs Past
Photo by peasap
The recent layoffs at my company brought a visit from the Ghost of Layoffs Past. Years ago, at one of my old employers, I crossed paths with a former colleague. He was a manager in the manufacturing area, in his forties, with a couple of kids in college. When we passed each other in the hall, his words stopped me cold.
“I just got my two weeks notice.”
“You’re getting laid off?!” Because he had over 25 years service time, the company gave him the heads-up. Everybody with less time under their belts got ten minutes to clean out their desks.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I knew just what he meant. He started with the company right out of high school. He was bright, and a quick study, which allowed him to move up in the manufacturing organization. He became the go-to guy when you needed something done correctly. I know that I tapped his expertise more than once. A born leader, he could have gone to college on the company’s dime, but marriage, children, and overtime took precedence. Which was why he was now in deep shit.
He was making a good salary as a manager. He was bright, and a hard worker. But his prospects were bleak. It’s hard to get a management job without a college degree, no matter how qualified you might be. I didn’t know what to say to comfort him, and told him to stay positive, that people of his caliber were always in demand. But he already knew the deal. He was screwed.
So today’s lesson, grasshopper, is to take whatever the company offers, be it training or tuition reimbursement. Get that piece of paper. It might not mean anything to anyone except the resumé screener. That’s who wields the power when you’re looking for a job. Don’t put yourself in a position to be excluded because you signed up to coach Little League. Get your degree!
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Layoff Aftermath Photo by law_keven A lion's work hours are only when he's hungry; once he's satisfied, the predator and prey live peacefully together. - Chuck Jones I heard that quote on Criminal Minds a few weeks ago. As I sit here in the aftermath of yet another layoff, a metaphor......
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Layoff Aftermath
Photo by law_keven
A lion’s work hours are only when he’s hungry; once he’s satisfied, the predator and prey live peacefully together. - Chuck Jones
I heard that quote on Criminal Minds a few weeks ago. As I sit here in the aftermath of yet another layoff, a metaphor sprang to mind. Or a simile. Whatever. A post was born.
When it was announced last month that my company would be laying off several dozen employees, it caused a pall to hang over my department. There was the usual gallows humor from the Comedian (who didn’t get the axe, Thank God) about unemployment benefits and working at Burger King, but the mood in the office was, for the most part, pretty grim.
I even noticed a separation on an emotional level between management and the rank and file. You started hearing, “I wonder how those bastards are choosing who stays and who goes.” Or, “Wait till it’s their turn to get marched out the door.” It was an us-against-them mentality, and it built to a crescendo by the end of last week. Because, the lion was hungry, and had a job to do.
After yesterday’s bloodletting, like gazelles after the lion has eaten one of their own, the pressure was off. Remember, the lion is only the enemy when he’s hungry. The survivors had to sort things out, so back to work we went. And to joking around. I think some of it was in poor taste, and I tried to keep it quiet. Don’t get me wrong - I’m glad I survived this round. But I’ll miss many of my newly-former coworkers, but some will improve the place with their absence.
Lateness Man was an early victim. He can keep others in suspense at his new job, wherever that will be. Also hitting the road is Conspiracy Guy. I’ll actually miss him, though. He was quite colorful. One person I won’t miss is Mr. Gripes. I’ve never written about him before, but he was probably the most miserable person that I’ve ever had to work with. If you look up negativity in the dictionary, you’ll probably find his picture in there.
What these guys all had in common was a tendency to badmouth the company and its management. They obviously didn’t know how to avoid getting laid off. Some of the phrases that they uttered:
“This place is going down the tubes.”
“They don’t have a freakin’ clue about how to run this place.”
“I have X amount of contracts to manage. He only has Y amount.”
“Wah! Wah! Wah!”
“Beware of the Office Snitch.” (wait, that was me who said that one)
You get the picture. Complain enough, loudly enough, and maybe you get to the top of the layoff list. Congratulations! Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!
Now, time to join the other gazelles at the waterhole. It’s safe. The lions have already eaten.
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Blackberry Distractions
I watch several of my coworkers obsess over their Blackberries all day long. Every time the chime announces a new email, they whip out their gadgets and voraciously read the message. Usually in the middle of a meeting. After which, I have to repeat what I just said, because THEY WERE STARING AT THEIR FREAKING BLACKBERRIES! After I heard “What?” for the third time, I told my coworker, Pete, that we were scheduled for mandatory rectal exams in the main lobby, and that I hoped that he’d wiped good that morning. “What?”, he said, for the fourth time.
“Hey Pete, how about shutting that goddamn thing off and paying attention for a few minutes?”
So much for helping productivity.
I don’t know about you, but the thought of being tethered to my job 24/7 by an electronic gadget is frightening. So far, I’ve avoided this trap. But I’m sure that if and when we are issued corporate Blackberries, mine’s getting shut off before I leave the parking lot.
Because my wife doesn’t like to repeat herself, either.
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The iPad, or, Do I Really Need Another Toy?
Photo by And all that Malarkey(not me in the picture)
The things you own end up owning you. - from Fight Club
First came the Sony Walkman, which begat the Discman, which begat the iPod, then the iPhone, then the iTouch. Next came the Amazon Kindle, and not to be outdone for market share, Steve Jobs & Co. trotted out the iPad. Hooray! Another blow struck for conspicuous consumption, as Iron Eyes Cody weeps while watching another landfill overflow.
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. - also from Fight Club
I can hear the backlash by the Apple fanboys already. “You Luddite! Don’t you know about all the features the iPad has that the Kindle doesn’t?” Features that I’ve lived without so far. My life doesn’t feel emptier without them (not when I have the Yankees, Hemingway, Jack Daniel’s, and Rocky Patels). When Steve Jobs figures out a way to get it to scratch my balls, then talk to me.
For thousands of years, human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet, and now history expected me to clean up after everyone. I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans. And account for every drop of used motor oil. And I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born. - yet another Fight Club quote
Planned obsolescence. Just roll out a new product every year or so, and the old, perfectly useful predecessor is retired to the basement, or worse, a landfill. The clutter machine keeps on churning out future clutter. More crap to wind up taking up precious space in your house. But don’t worry about that. Get yours today!
“If you don’t know what you want,” the doorman said, “you end up with a lot you don’t.” - you get the idea
I didn’t mention the high cost to early adopters for buying this cutting edge technology. Wait a few months, and watch the prices drop. My cell phone is precisely that - a phone. It doesn’t have a GPS. It doesn’t run any apps besides a rudimentary calendar and a bowling game. It doesn’t even have a camera. It also didn’t cost me a dime - it came FREE with my cell phone plan. I can use it to text, and make phone calls. So much for cutting edge technology.
Another thing: when I come across a good book, I’ll loan it to a friend or relative who I think might enjoy it. I can’t do that with an iPad. So, Mr. Jobs, keep your iPad. I’ve got my books.
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What Would Keep You from Leaving the House?
There are many reasons for playing hooky from work. Super Bowl Monday. Your birthday. The first 80 degree day of the Spring. Also, a legitimate illness. But what if you didn’t want to go into work strictly because of your appearance? What would keep you from showing your mug in the office?
I ask this because of something that I did to my face. I tend to pick at scabs. I know, it’s a disgusting habit, and I should know better. Anyway, the area under my eye became infected, and swelled up to a massive, ugly boil. Massive, is in, it should have had its own zip code. Ugly, as in, small children would probably run screaming at the sight of it. I was an evil, heinous-looking thing. Luckily, the worst of it occurred over the weekend, and only my poor loved ones had to witness it. One of my buddies, who’s seen me at my worst many times in the past, remarked, “Well, it is a ghastly-looking carbuncle. But you’ve looked more repulsive when you’re drunk.” That gave my wife little comfort. She suggested this solution:
So, having spared my coworkers from gazing upon Quasimodo, I thought back to my past, and the freakish sights that I’ve seen at work. A director that I reported to early in my career once got too close to a poison ivy patch, and it broke out all over him, including his face. His swollen visage resembled some kind of African death mask, and the mere sight of him made my eyes water. My buddy Ed put it best when he said, “Jesus Christ! He shouldn’t come to work looking like that! Doesn’t he have any sick days coming?” I wondered the same thing.
Photo by jonrawlinson
Others have come in with everything ranging from bad perms to black eyes. At least one black-eye case was due to a nose job; I can’t imagine what caused the others. We had a guy who tore his Achilles tendon that used to take his shoe off in meetings and massage his foot (I shit you not). Another lady stayed too long under the tanning lamp, and got a nice sunburn that blistered, oozed, and peeled. She was quite the sight for a couple of weeks.
Photo by Bekathwia
My “shiner”, as one of my buddies at work refers to it, has healed considerably. It’s still kind of puckered-looking, like an asshole, though no one dares call me “ass-face”. At least not to my face. And if we weren’t in the middle of layoff season, I’d have probably taken a couple days off, and escaped the scrutiny altogether. But like I’ve said before, someone always is worse off than you are…
Photo by AlphaTangoBravo / Adam Baker
This morning as I was heading to a meeting, I passed an engineer that I know. His face was a mass of scrapes covered with Band Aids. He claimed that he fell off of his bike last weekend. He looked like he had been dragged face down behind a truck, and then beaten with a tire iron! At least now when I look in the mirror in the men’s room, I won’t be the ugliest of them all anymore. There is finally someone more heinous-looking than me.
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Walking the Walk
Posted by enrique s in Uncategorized on April 6th, 2010
On the news last night, I watched President Obama throw out the first pitch at the Nationals’ home opener. By the looks of it, he hasn’t played much baseball. Was that an Eephus Pitch? I mean, I’m rusty, really rusty, and I could still manage to get the ball near the plate. And not a rainbow throw, either. Geez, he looked wilder than Damaso Marte did the other night in Boston. He did attend Columbia, although I doubt that he followed in Lou Gehrig’s footsteps with that arm. So, even though he is the leader of the Free World, my wife, all five feet of her, can throw harder (and with more accuracy) than our president. I didn’t care much for Dubya, either, but at least he looked halfway decent throwing the ball to the catcher.
To those old enough to remember, it brought back images of Jimmy Carter collapsing during a 10K race. That was after he’d claimed that he’d been attacked by a rabbit on a fishing trip. Images of the Rabbit of Caerbannog come to mind. He should have carried a Holy Hand Grenade. As Jimmy Johnson once said, “If you talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.” You can call yourself anything you want; but your actions ultimately determine what you really are. Carter was as good at running as Tiger Woods was at staying faithful to his wife.
So, as we get bombarded with commercials urging our children to get outside and play rather than watch TV, maybe our president should work on that throwing arm a little. America’s leader should be able to play America’s Pastime. The only thing worse would be having to watch Hillary Clinton throw out the first pitch.
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Another Bet that I Won
As I’ve mentioned before, one of my goals for this year is to lose 50 pounds. Back on New Years Day, I made a bet with my son that I could lose 30 pounds by Opening Day of the baseball season. “You’ll never make it, Fat Man”, he hissed in his best Stewie Griffin voice, and wagered $20 that I would fall short. Today, or rather, tonight, the Yankees open the season against the Red Sox. At this morning’s weigh-in, I tipped the scales at 199 pounds. That’s 30 and a half pounds dropped since the start of the year. Before he could utter, “What the deuce?”, I collected my $20 and wished him a Happy Easter. I still have 20 more pounds to go to reach my 2010 goal, but no dieting today - it’s off to the in-laws for a lasagna dinner.
Happy Easter!
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![[22.365] sphere-itize me, captain](http://www.corporatebarbarian.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/2550349404-150x150.jpg "[22.365] sphere-itize me, captain")
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Happy Easter & I Won the NCAA Pool!
Duke didn’t let me down after all. Some extra cash coming my way will make the chocolate bunnies taste even sweeter! Hope everyone has a Happy Easter. Now, let me at those jelly beans!
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Shock and Awe: Merit Raise Time
Photo by r000pert
Merit increases were doled out last week, and there were looks of disappointment throughout the department. “Shock and Awe” would be a better description. Many people didn’t get raises, and those who did were bitching about how small they were. As far as my own increase, let’s just say that I got what I expected.
We’re on the verge of yet another layoff, which has become an annual event in my company. Most of the people have no other source of income, so all of their eggs are in one basket. Expecting a raise during these harsh economic times might be wishful thinking. So what can you do to soften the blow of a shitty merit increase? How about cutting your spending?
Brown Bag It
You can save some dough each week by bringing your own lunch. I’ve been doing this for years, and it’s saved me a bundle. Estimated savings: $1,000 per year
Drink Water
Maybe now is a good time to cut down on your coffee drinking. Or, take to the extreme that I’ve taken it, and kick the habit. Three cups a day from the cafeteria at work used to cost me around 5 bucks. Estimated savings: $1,250 per year
Cancel Subscriptions
Do you really need all of those magazines? How many movies do you watch a month under your Netflix plan? Does anyone really need a newspaper anymore? Try dropping the daily paper, a couple of magazines, and/or Netflix. Estimated savings: $500 per year
There, I just got you a $2,750 raise. You’re welcome! Spend it wisely.
Little expenses can add up. I didn’t even broach the subject of alternate income streams. What other areas can you think of cutting in order to make your dollar go further?
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Americans Who Permanently Cut Their Spending SqueakyMarmot Many people have adopted a cash-only lifestyle in response to one financial catastrophe or another. It could be tied to a job loss that shuts off the cash flow, forcing people to take a hard look at their outstanding debts. But even though they may have put their...... - Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 4 This is Part 4 of my review and chapter summary of Getting Rich in America: 8 Simple Rules for Building a Fortune and a Satisfying Life by Dwight R. Lee and Richard B. McKenzie. You can read the first three parts of this review by clicking the following links: Getting......
Related Websites - Reasons to move your business from Exchange to Google Apps I work for a company which is the parent company for about four other companies. The four other companies all access their e-mail from an Exchange 2007 server which is administered in-house by me. Up until a few months ago this had been working great but as the businesses grew......
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Tips To Save Over $1,200 Per Year Each week you are wasting money that could easily be saved. If you save $25 each week, that amounts to $100 each month and $1,200 each year. Save $50 and you are up to $2,400 each year! Saving an extra $25 or more each week to put towards savings or...... - How To Build Defensible Passive Income Streams I do not believe the key to long-term financial security is diligent saving and investing in index funds (although I recommend index funds), nor real estate (although REITs hold real potential), nor savvy stock picking through your favorite discount broker, nor starting the next Microsoft, nor even niche blogging (although......
A Final Four Miracle!
I had already thrown in the towel on this year’s NCAA pool, when a coworker came around with the standings. By some miracle, I’m in front by one point! Here’s the kicker: the worst that I can do is finish second. The second place guy and I are the only ones with any active teams. I have Duke, and he has West Virginia. So I might be a few hundred bucks richer when I wake up on Sunday. I figure that I’m due: I haven’t won an NCAA pool in 15 years. Even with all of my lousy picks, I’m in the money. Coach K, don’t let me down. GO BLUE DEVILS!
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