Archive for February, 2010

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goals

I Hate the Olympics

Posted by enrique s in Rants on February 27th, 2010

I know. BLASPHEMY! UNPATRIOTIC! I love most sports, at least the ones that fit George Carlin’s definition of a sport. I’m a die-hard Yankees fan. I love the football Giants. I never missed a Knicks game when Patrick Ewing was in the pivot. I was ecstatic to hear the “1940″ chant go into mothballs when the Blue Shirts won the Stanley Cup back in 1994. But I couldn’t care less about the Olympics.

Uh, I thought we were going to watch sports…

Curling. The luge. Ice dancing? Are you f-ing kidding me? About the only event that I’ll watch is hockey, which according to Carlin, isn’t a sport because it’s played with a puck. I saw the Miracle on Ice back in 1980, but I missed the Canadian women’s celebration after their gold medal win, and I’m sorry that I did. Looks like they did it up right, smoking cigars and pounding brewskis. Hey, those are two of my favorite food groups! All that was missing were the chicken wings and it could have been my last Super Bowl party. But apparently this earthy celebration was decidedly un-Olympian, at least according to the IOC. Well, I call bullshit.

A proud sponsor…

If you check this page of Winter Olympics sponsors and suppliers, you’ll notice that Molson and Coors are listed (I couldn’t find Rocky Patel, or even White Owl). So maybe this was just good product placement by the athletes. No stink is ever raised when Tim McCarver is soaked with champagne in the winner’s clubhouse after the World Series. Maybe the Canadian women were just drinking a brand of beer that wasn’t an Olympic sponsor. Or that Canadians are held to a higher standard of public behavior than us knuckle-dragging Yanks. I mean, who but their families were watching this match anyway? There was probably a larger viewing audience at my wisdom tooth extraction. Let the ladies have their moment in the sun.

Branding opportunities

Think of the commercial opportunities for these women. I mean, there’s no professional league at the end of this, so they might as well make hay when the sun shines, so to speak. I can see a spread in Cigar Aficionado, with the ladies puffing on their favorite puros, debating the superiority of Maduro wrappers to the Connecticut kind. Maybe a joint commercial with AMF and Budweiser, where the Canadians can play the Americans in gold-medal beer pong. Think how much weight an endorsement by Marie-Philip Poulin will carry when college students are deciding on their dorm-room equipment. Hockey players generally don’t clean up in endorsements; they better strike while the iron is hot (I’ve now reached my two-clichés-per-paragraph limit).

Hypocrites

It’s funny how it’s OK to drink beer when it’s officially sanctioned by the IOC. Hell, even McDonald’s is a sponsor. The same company that Goose Gossage said was poisoning the world with their hamburgers. You can bet that Michael Phelps isn’t running to Mickie D’s when he has the munchies; it’s always a trip to Subway after a joint. They don’t get on his case.

As far as the controversy, I couldn’t care less about that, either. Pitchers and catchers have already reported to Spring Training, and I’ll be able to watch a real sport pretty soon.

With a Sam Adams in one hand and a Gurkha Ancient Warrior in the other.

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beer, Canadian hockey, Cigars, Rocky Patel, Sam Adams, Winter Olympics

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Dashing Through the Snow…

Posted by enrique s in Rants on February 26th, 2010

Snow Plow
Photo by jronaldlee

…or should I say, sloshing through the snow. Another Friday, another snowstorm. Nothing quite like waking up to a morning of snow shoveling before heading off to work. I must be getting old; I used to live for days like today, when I picked up extra money by shoveling driveways. Now, I pray for the temperature to stay above freezing. The first sight of a snowflake sends my back into spasms. And this morning, my waterproof boots let me down. Time for another application of Sno Seal. I’d move south, but I’m way too wired for the slower pace. I’m sure the feeling would be mutual.

My secret

I’ve taken a few steps to make the morning less miserable. The night before a storm, I make sure that the ice melt and snow shovels are at the ready. I also use a little trick that I learned from the Equipped to Survive forum: I place a cheap pair of rubber floor mats over my car’s windshield, and use the wipers to hold them in place. When I’m ready to leave, I just raise the wiper blades, and pull the snow-laden mats from the now-clean windshield. Ta-da! Definitely saves on the ice scraping, and allows for a quicker getaway in the morning. Maybe I’ll upgrade to an Ed Hardy set:

All present and accounted for

An interesting phenomenon has repeated itself several times at the office: while the parking lot appears to be rather empty, just about everyone from my department has braved the icy streets to man their posts. The threat of layoffs will do that; nobody wants to be the only one in the group to wuss out. Their absence will be duly noted, most likely by the Office Snitch. It’s comforting to know that our company places the safety of its employees above everything, except, of course, profits. A delayed start would have been welcome. Schools were closed for the kids. Snow Day my ass.

I’ve seen this movie

I got a call from an old crony from my last job yesterday. He left the defense industry and the constant threat of layoffs for the security of a job with the Long Island Rail Road. The same LIRR which is part of the MTA, which just this week announced that it would eliminate 150 jobs. So much for job security. I told him I’d keep my fingers crossed for him (not that I believe in any of that crap). At least his kids are finished with college.

On second thought, the drive to work wasn’t that bad today.

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Ed Hardy, Sno Seal, snow

A First Time for Everything?

Posted by enrique s in Career, Rants on February 25th, 2010

I was in a meeting, along with a number of my coworkers (including the Comedian), with my boss’ boss, Fearless Leader, the VP of Finance for my division. After his assurance that we, as a company, were on the right track, he went around the room, asking what projects we were working on. When it was my turn, a gave a rundown of the activities of a team that I’d been selected for, and almost immediately regretted my decision.

As the words were leaving my mouth…

As the words were leaving my mouth, I could imagine what would be waiting for me after the meeting. I could already see the Comedian making smooching sounds and telling me to wipe the shit off my nose. He was kind, though, and basically said that you have to kiss ass in times like these.

Now, wait a minute…

WHOA! Kiss ass? Me? It goes against everything that I stand for. All I did was state that I’d been picked for the team, and that we were trying to formulate a cross-division policy on the topic. That we’d made some strides, and were soliciting the opinions of some additional subject-matter experts.

And you’ll know him by his flailing legs…

Now, I know a kiss-ass when I see one. In fact, I’ve written about the Office Snitch, ass-kisser bar none. You can always tell where he is; just look for my boss. He’s attached to the pair of legs that stick out of my boss’ rear end. You can’t see the rest of him, he’s so far up there. He must have read this book:

So, don’t be an ass-kisser. It will just alienate you from the rest of your colleagues. Let your accomplishments speak for themselves. Ass-kissing is a short-term strategy at best.

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ass kisser, brown nose, suck up

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The Comedian at Work

Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership, Rants on February 24th, 2010

Every group of workers has a comic amongst them. He lightens the mood, pointing out the absurdities of rules and procedures. In my office, our own funny man, much like the Comedian from the Watchmen comics, tends to be a little darker in his approach to humor.

Our Comedian is a true original. Nobody is safe from his satiric barbs. He’s quick with a comeback, downplaying his frequent jabs with, “you put that one on a tee for me.” His appearance is deceiving, too, as he approaches everything with an air of annoyed nonchalance. It would appear to an outsider that he doesn’t care about his job, his responsibilities, or his coworkers. That outsider couldn’t be more off base.

The Comedian, you see, is a disguise. Underneath the facade dwells an intelligent man who cares deeply about his responsibilities. Those responsibilities include not only his job, but the well-being of his colleagues. While he might try to convince everyone that he doesn’t give a hoot about anything, subtle clues emerge about his true intentions. After some harmless needling, he’ll jump in and help with a problem. He meets all of his deadlines, and produces quality work. But there is one thing that he does that’s a dead giveaway to his true self.

His biggest benefit: his honesty. He ’s the only one who isn’t afraid to say what he truly thinks. He’s the King Solomon of the office. If you want the straight dope, you ask the Comedian. He pulls no punches, and suffers no fools. Take it or leave it.

He’ll also ask the questions that nobody else has the balls to ask. During a recent gathering with upper management, he asked the VP what everyone else had on their mind: “So, when do the layoffs start?” After a stunned silence, the VP gave the standard, non-answer answer. The Comedian, our champion, rolled his eyes and sat down. A brave question to ask, but not without its perils. I’m sure that he now has a bullseye on his back. No VP likes to be showed up.

The Comedian is our pressure-release valve. When tensions rise in the office due to unrealistic deadlines, and everyone’s hackles are up, a well-timed one-liner from the Comedian diffuses the tightness in the office.

So I’ll enjoy the Comedian for as long as he shares our foxhole, which may not be long. Even he acknowledged that possibility, as he asked me after the meeting with the VP, “Where do they keep the cardboard boxes?” I’ll miss his willingness to take one for the team.

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honesty, The Comedian, Watchmen

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My First Year in Review

Posted by enrique s in Blogging, Links on February 20th, 2010

Birthday Cake
Photo by Theresa Thompson

I can’t believe that the Corporate Barbarian Blog is a year old today! Boy, I’ve sure learned a lot in the past year. Last February, I was a blogging noob, and now, while I can’t say that I’m a seasoned veteran, at least I’m less of a noob. Here’s a selection of my favorite posts from my first year. I hope that you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

February 2009

A Foolproof File Naming System - My OCD-tinged attempt at restoring order to my computer’s hard drive.

March 2009

Standing on the Shoulders of Giants - Where I give props to Ed, the macro master.

April 2009

Low Budget - Check out the attached Excel file and master your budget!

May 2009

How to Avoid Getting Laid Off - Having worked in the defense industry and seeing my share of layoffs, I share my survival tips.

June 2009

Toughness is a Virtue - A sentimental visit with tough guys like Concrete Charlie and my old man.

July 2009

Good Enough, or The Duct Tape Chronicles - More on my father, a duct tape virtuoso.

August 2009

Self-Reliance Series 1 - A Personal Survival Kit (PSK) - This is Part 1 of my self-reliance series. Be sure to check out the other parts, especially if you never heard of a PSK before.

September 2009

How Ugly are Your Coworkers? - I dare you to take a look around at your fellow corporate creatures.

October 2009

Seek Discomfort - No pain, no gain is the message. Always try something new (and difficult). It’ll help you grow.

November 2009

Take the Fork in the Road - If you have the time, take this novel approach - do it both ways! I never said that I was conventional.

December 2009

- Just like the title says. Read on about my little rituals.

January 2010

Are You on “Lombardi Time”? - You had to be doing something right to get the Super Bowl trophy named in your honor. It’s all about preparation and respect for others.

I’m especially excited that now I can have features like “A Year Ago on The Corporate Barbarian”, and act like I’ve been doing this for a long time. A big Thank You to everyone who’s taken the time to read my posts, especially those who’ve subscribed via email or an RSS reader. Stay tuned for more of my belligerent ramblings.

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Blind Loyalty

Posted by enrique s in Rants on February 11th, 2010

I had a dog when I was growing up, a sheperd/collie mix. He was always loyal, even when I, being the little bastard that I could be at times, would mistreat him, like trying to ride on his back like Peter Griffin did to Brian (only Family Guy fans would know what that means). He was a glutton for punishment, ol’ Bandit the mutt, and if he could talk, he’d probably respond with, “thank you sir may I have another?”

Sucker

Bandit had blind loyalty towards me, his occasionally sadistic child-owner. Sure, most of the time I was kind to him, but if I were him, I wouldn’t tolerate my occasional lapses into meanness. There are many people like Bandit; people with unwavering loyalty, no matter how badly they’ve been abused. My mother had a word for them: Suckers. In fact, one of my mom’s recurring sayings was, “Don’t be too nice to people. They’ll walk all over you.” She spoke from experience, as she had many times been the one who’d been taken advantage of.

They walk among us

The suckers, they walk among us. I have been a sucker many times myself. If I were a boxer, they’d say that I lead with my chin. A friend or acquaintance will ask for a favor, and as the words of agreement are leaving my mouth, the little voice in my head will whisper, “Sucker!” Shit, I did it again. But I’m much less agreeable now then when I was younger. In fact, I work at being a curmudgeon. I don’t want to let my mom’s lesson go to waste. As the narrator in Fight Club said, “I used to be such a nice person.”

…and bless Big Brother, and the CFO…

I’ve worked with people with blind loyalty to their employers. In their eyes, the company could do no wrong. Every new policy was implemented with everyone’s best interests in mind. Yeah, right. Like the CEO gives a shit about some peon in the Long Island branch. I’m sure they included the members upper management in their prayers every night.

I pledge allegiance…

And a lot of good that did them. When I worked at a large multinational conglomerate several years ago, one of my coworkers was a company man, through and through. We’ll call him Cal. Such was Cal’s love of the company that I think he believed that the sun shone from our CEO’s ass. Cal’s immediate boss, who we’ll call the Benevolent Stomper, was the biggest prick I ever came across, and I’ve worked with some real bastards. Cal’s undying allegiance was ultimately his undoing. See, his boss had him groom his ultimate successor. When I warned Cal about the possible outcome, he dismissed it immediately. He couldn’t accept that the Benevolent Stomper was having him grease his own skids. “I’m just helping the company develop young talent” was his argument.

…and receive a kick in the ass

Well, Cal did such a good a job with his management training, that he was sacked in favor of his protegé. Oh, the company did find another position for Cal, but he had to take a pay cut, and move to another state. Bless their little hearts. I wonder if Cal still includes the Benevolent Stomper in his prayers at night. I know his wife wasn’t happy about uprooting their kids in the middle of the school year.

People may think that I’m jaded, but it’s good to be suspicious. I get taken advantage of a lot less often than I used to. Whenever one of those corporate bulletins comes out trumpeting a policy change, I check for my wallet. I’m not as gullible as Cal.

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Family Guy, Fight Club, Peter Griffin, suckers

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Which Takes Priority for You - Mortgage or Credit Card Bill?

Posted by enrique s in Debt, Money on February 10th, 2010

Question mark
Photo by Marco Bellucci

I read an article on CNNMoney that exposed a new trend among the debt-ridden: paying their credit card bill before their mortgage. You can read the original article by clicking the link:

According to recent data, 6.6% of people are delinquent on their mortgage payments, but current on their credit cards. Only 3.6% were current on their mortgage and behind on their credit cards. Apparently it’s easier to walk away from a home with a declining equity stake than it is to fall behind on your favorite payment tool.

Mr. Bubble

The housing bubble is to blame for this turnabout. California and Florida have been the hardest hit, and the trend is even more pronounced in these states. In the Land of Arnold, 10.2% were late on their mortgages but current on the plastic, while only 2.7% were on the flipside. The Sunshine State had 12.4% behind on their house payment, with 3.9% in the reverse situation.

Avalanche of Debt

Maybe they’re using a half-assed version of the Dave Ramsey Debt Snowball method - paying off the smallest debt first. But I think they were supposed to at least make the minimum payment - which, in the case of a mortgage, is probably their largest payment. These people need to find a balance when it comes to debt repayment. If you’re in arrears on your mortgage payment, and relying on credit cards to pay your daily expenses, you’re probably just one straw away from breaking the camel’s back, so to speak.

I feel for these people. Thank God I’m not in the same situation, as I paid off my mortgage years ago. What do you think? Would you choose to pay your credit card bill before paying your mortgage? What’s Plan B when the bank forecloses on your house?

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The Office Super Bowl Pool

Posted by enrique s in Money on February 3rd, 2010

Super Bowl week usually includes the great tradition of the office pool. Rather than a straight bet with a point spread, this pool involves picking boxes. This draws even the non-football fan, as they can watch the big game with some interest, even when the commercials are over.

The Grid of Boxes

The pool involves a grid of boxes on a letter-sized piece of paper, usually printed landscape-style. Each box represents the last number in the score for a particular quarter. The sheet contains a total of 120 boxes laid out as shown below (click the image for a larger view):

As you can see, the grid is devoid of any numbers for the scores. The yellow boxes will represent the scores for the Saints, while the green boxes will represent the scores for the Colts. These scores will be picked after every white box has been selected by the pool participants.

Picking Your Boxes

The first step is finding out how much each box will cost you. The higher the cost of the box, the bigger the potential payout. It’s that risk vs. reward thing. It really doesn’t matter which box you pick, as the scores will be selected randomly after all of the boxes have been claimed. A rule of thumb that I use is to pick only one box per row and/or one box per column. That way, if I get stuck with a lousy score of 5, it only ruins one of my selections. Here’s what the sheet will look like when all of the boxes have been selected (click the image for a larger view):

Picking the Scores

The person who runs the pool will probably be the one who picks the random scores that will be used to fill in the yellow and green boxes. They will certainly do this under some sort of supervision, as the witnesses will verify that the choices were random, and thus fair. This can be done by putting pieces of paper numbered 0 through 9 in an envelope, and letting a neutral party pick them out one at a time for each specific box. I’ve seen people use two sets of numbers, with the team name also written on each slip of paper. Here’s what the sheet will look like after the scores have been picked (click the image for a larger view):

Sizing Up Your Chances of Winning

After the scores have been picked, you’ll receive a copy of the completed grid. Now, you can see if you’ve got any chance of winning some loot. Scores such as 3-0 and 7-0 are good for the end of the first quarter and first half. The zero can represent 0 or 10. If you get stuck with a 5 or an 8, you’d better hope for a high-scoring game.

The Payouts

Now we get to the important stuff. You’ve plunked down your cash, and wound up with some potentially good boxes. If you’re in a $10-a-box pool, the total payout will be $1,000 (100 boxes time $10 a piece). In a simple pool, you’d get a set payout for the score at the end of each quarter. For example, the payout schedule may look like this:

End of 1st Quarter: $100

Halftime: $200

End of 3rd Quarter: $300

Final Score: $400

So, if the score for the end of the 1st quarter is Saints 7, Colts 6, then Paulie would win $100:

If the final score is Colts 35, Saints 13, then Googs would win $400:

So, for Googs’ investment of $70 (7 boxes at $10 each), he pulled in $400, over a 500% return. While I don’t advocate gambling for everyone, it sure keeps up your interest in a lopsided game.

As this is a primer on boxes, I didn’t get into some of the more advanced concepts like instant wins, satellite boxes, or the difference between the 4th quarter score versus an overtime score (a rather remote possibility, but they did come within 1:08 in Super Bowl XXXVIII).

If you’re not a big football fan, I hope this little primer helped, especially if you’re not a crazy American like me. And even though the football Giants are sitting at home watching the game instead of playing in it, I’ll stay glued to the tube. I think I have a decent shot of bringing home some dough this Sunday, and you can bet that the beer will be cold. Good luck, and enjoy the game!

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Goal Status: January in Review

Posted by enrique s in lifehack on February 2nd, 2010

Spurred on by a fortune cookie, I wrote about my modest goals for the year in this post:

My Goals for 2010

So, now that we’re a month into the new year, I’ll give you my status. Here goes:

1. Drop 50 pounds

I lost 14 pounds in January, primarily by sticking to the Metabolic Diet (thank you Dr. Di Pasquale). If you can live without bread, you’ll have success with it. I haven’t had any terrible cravings, and the worst thing that I ate for the entire month was a slice of pepperoni pizza on my son’s birthday. I achieved 28% of my goal in the month, so I’m off to a good start.

2. Benchpress and Deadlift 300 pounds

I’ve been hitting the weights three times a week, and I increase the amount of weight every Monday. I’m using a 5 rep x 5 set routine, and I’m benching 220 pounds and deadlifting 210 pounds. I’m taking it easy because of my bad back. You can see that I’ve got a long way to go.

3. Post more frequently

Eight posts for the month. Pathetic! Well, I’m way behind on this goal. I’d hoped to post 5 times a week, but between a death in the family, a crazy work schedule, several birthdays, and the demise of my home computer, I’ve really dropped the ball. Hopefully February will yield more posts.

4. Fund my 401(k)

Thank goodness for automation. This is a set-it-and-forget-it goal. My contribution gets deducted from my paycheck each week, and gets dumped with the rest of my soldiers in an index fund with a low expense ratio. I’ll hit my goal, no problem.

5. Read a new book each month

With a broken computer, I’ve had the time. It’s a good thing, too, because Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment isn’t the easiest thing to read. I’ve also read Never Be Lied to Again by David J. Lieberman. So that’s two in one month. A good start. I’m playing with house money.

6. Run 3 miles

I’m currently walking 3 miles each morning, at a really fast pace, so it won’t be long before I start jogging a little bit. It sure is cold at 6 am, so there aren’t any neighbors that I have to run in to. I hope to be able to run at least a half mile by my next report.

So that’s two that I’ve exceeded, two that I’m on track with achieving, and two that I need to kick some ass in order to achieve them.

How are you doing with your goals? If you’ve fallen short, don’t give up; just start over. There are many bloggers that start on Groundhog Day, so why not join them? Good luck!

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