Archive for December, 2009
Humpday Sarcasm III
Here’s the third installment of my Humpday Sarcasm series. You can read the first two by following these links:
Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things that I Wish I’d Said First
The following quotes were taken from Robert Byrne’s book, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said:
I’m thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level. - Dana Carvey
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. - Sid Caesar
Death is nature’s way of saying, “You’re table is ready.” - Robin Williams
My karma ran over your dogma. - Unknown
They want me on all the television shows now because I did so well on “Celebrity Assholes.” - Steve Martin
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Lisa Grossman
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - Herbert Hoover
Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, “Be fruitful and multiply,” but not in those words. - Woody Allen
Have a great Wednesday!
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Pay Cash or Put it on the Plastic?
Photo by Andres Rueda
Whew! Now that Christmas is over, so is Christmas spending. Unlike most personal finance bloggers, we don’t stick to a strict budget. We try to estimate our gift expenses based on the prior year, and factor it up by the amount of people we have to buy for. Our relatives and close friends receive the lion’s share of our gifts, and then there’s coworkers, the mailman, the garbage men, etc.
Do you take Diners Club?
Obviously, we don’t tip the garbage men with a credit card. But almost anywhere else that we’re able to, we use the plastic. I know, this is borderline heresy. What about my pro forma budget spreadsheet, and my careful projections of future expenses? Well, I’ve found that when the holidays roll around, emotion takes over, and all logic goes out the window. So, I’ve stopped trying to fight it. And that’s where the plastic comes in.
Extra points
Like many of you, I use a rewards credit card. I pay for groceries, gas, and even my cellphone bill with my rewards card. I’m very diligent about paying off the balance each month, so that I don’t incur any interest charges. The extra activity allows me to earn more rewards points, which I can trade in for merchandise or gift cards. It’s a win-win for me, because I don’t carry a balance.
Heresy!
I’m sure Dave Ramsey would throw up if he read this. I’ve been in debt in the past, and have abused credit cards, so this might seem like giving the keys to the methadone clinic to a drug addict. But I’m more disciplined now, and don’t see credit cards as instruments of evil. So, as long as I pay off my balance in January, if I go a little over my Christmas gift budget estimate, I’m not going to obsess about it and ruin my holiday. Consider it my slush fund.
How about you guys? Anybody else out there that throws the budget out the window at Christmastime? I know that I can’t be alone. The crowded stores are a dead giveaway.
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The After-Christmas Hangover
Photo by littledan77
Yay! Christmas is over! Time to get my act back together. You see, I’ve really slacked off since Thanksgiving, and I’m ashamed of myself. I started eating on Turkey Day, and I haven’t stopped. I have this week off from work, so it’s time to start adding some good habits.
I could blame my binging on the stresses of the holiday season. Year-end is crazy for us finance types. Good thing there were trays of cookies at work to calm my nerves. And my outdoor icicle lights kept blowing fuses. Stress is a killer, I tell ya. Yeah, right.
See, I’m not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. Most of my resolutions are broken before the first week of January has passed. If you follow the logic that it takes three weeks to make or break a habit, you can see that I usually fall short. But this year, I’m doing it differently, and I’ll try to add one good habit each month to my routine. Baby steps.
Why am I setting the bar so low? Think back to your own resolutions. If you’re like me, you probably vowed to eat healthy, exercise regularly, read a new book each week, yadda yadda yadda. How many of you stayed the course? I thought so. Me neither. The one exception was when I gave up alcohol. That one lasted about two and a half months. A modern miracle, as I was in college at the time.
So, in light of my past record, I’m starting slowly. And I’m not waiting for New Year’s Eve to begin, since I’ll have a whole week off to devote to my new habit. I’ll also keep a positive spin on it, so that it doesn’t feel like I’m denying myself. So this month’s new habit is to eat healthier. I’m not swearing off junk food; I’ll just eat less of it, and fill the void with fruits and veggies. Baby steps. I’ll report back with my progress when the month is up.
How about you? Feel like changing your life this year? Try baby steps. You’ll give yourself more of a chance to succeed. Let me know how you make out.
Humor an obese man. Follow my progress as I try to eat healthier: Subscribe
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Holiday Traditions
Photo by *Sally M*
We all have our favorite holiday traditions. I’ll be celebrating one of them tonight, as my family will gather for the traditional Italian-American fish-themed Christmas Eve dinner. But, I’ve got several hours to kill before I gorge myself on bacalla and lunguine with clam sauce, so I thought I’d write this post.
At work
Before the Christmas break can begin, you have to survive through the weeks leading up to the big day. For me and my fellow finance-types, this is our busy season. There are salients to meet, objectives to achieve, and action items to close out, during the time when everyone else starts to slack off. Oh, well. We’ll just have to work harder. You may also have holiday get-togethers, whether it’s the official company-sanctioned luncheon, or an ad-hoc trip to the local watering hole for some off-track betting from Tampa Downs (not that I ever did that. Honest). Then there’s the dreaded Secret Santa, where employees get to exchange Chia Pets and other crappy gifts. For many of us in the defense industry, we get to use the floating holidays that we couldn’t take off during the year. That equates to a week off between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I like that tradition.
At home
When I’m home for the holidays, I don’t do anything work-related. I feel it’s a time of year for family, and whatever I haven’t cleared from my plate can wait until after the holidays are over. This was of particular importance when my kids were little, and I needed time to get into my Santa Claus costume. Of course, sometimes a phone call from my boss has interrupted my family time, but I try to let everyone else know that I’ll be unavailable. So, before any other Christmas tradition can start, I try to disconnect from my work life. It’s a well-appreciated break, and it helps me to recharge and get ready for the onslaught of another year. I probably should try to get to midnight mass. I try to stay out of my wife’s way as she bakes her Italian pastries and whips up her world-class eggplant parmigiana. We might squeeze in a trip to Manhattan to see the tree. So after we finish the Feast of the Seven Fishes, and before my traditional New Year’s Day hangover, I get my act together, and start focusing on what I want to accomplish in the coming year.
Your traditions
What traditions do you follow? Are you lucky enough to get some extended time off for the holidays? Are you in retail, and stuck working to midnight? If so, I feel your pain. I’ve worked late on Christmas Eve. And New Year’s Eve. One year, I even missed the Super Bowl due to a store inventory. Right now, I’ll take the risk of a layoff with the promise of having a week off for Christmas. Of course, my attitude could change if this were last April.
So, Merry Christmas to all of you, and I hope you get to spend some quality time with your families!
Enrique (The Corporate Barbarian)
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Son of Humpday Sarcasm
As I mentioned in last week’s post entitled Humpday Sarcasm: Ten Things That I Wished I’d Said First, I received Robert Byrne’s book, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, for my birthday. I shared ten selections with you last week, and figured I’d keep up the tradition until someone says “Uncle”. So, here’s this week’s top ten quotes from the book:
Washington Irving. (Answer to the question “Who was the first president, Max?”) - Steve Allen’s Question Man
A tragedy is a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with an empty seat. - Unknown
Your request for no MSG was ignored. - Fortune cookie opened by Merla Zellerbach
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink, because when they get up in the morning, they’re not going to feel any better all day. - Frank Sinatra
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter. - Steven Wright
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. - Lee Trevino
It took me an hour to bury the cat, because it wouldn’t stop moving. - From The Monty Python Show
On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up till midnight and watch their hopes drop. - Richard Lewis
Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror. - Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
and my favorite of the bunch:
We had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually. - Steven Wright
Just a little snarkiness for a Wednesday. Now get back to work!
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A Backup of a Backup
Posted by enrique s in Organizing, Self-Reliance on December 22nd, 2009
Photo by Mocodragon
Backup my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? - unknown
One of my coworkers had a near-meltdown last week when her computer wouldn’t recognize her thumbdrive. The thumbdrive contained all of her important files, and was her only copy. Now, I could have been a smartass and said, “What’s the problem? Just use your backup”, but my coworker is a nice person who’s helped me in the past, and I was in a good mood. We were eventually able to copy the files from the thumbdrive to a network drive, so the disaster was averted.
Learning the hard way
I was in a similar situation several years ago, but my files were not recoverable. I did have some backups of the files that were lost, but they weren’t the latest versions, so I had to partially reinvent the wheel, so to speak. The one thing that you can count on about electronic devices is that they will all eventually fail (Isn’t there a Murphy’s Law about this?). I’ve talked about my penchant for being prepared in previous posts (here, here, and here), and I learned my lesson the hard way for not covering all the bases when it came to my computer files.
Redundancy is key
If backing up your electronic files can be considered Plan A, then Plan B is to always have a second backup copy. Think of it as the belt-and-suspenders theory in practice. I always carry two thumbdrives, and I even copy the contents of these portable drives to my computer’s hard drive. On top of that, every week I make two backup copies of the files in the “My Documents” folder of my computer, so I’m pretty much covered in case both of my thumbdrives and my computer’s hard drive crash. You can’t be too careful.
Tools of the redundant
My two thumbdrives are both PQI Intelligent Sticks:
They both hold 4 gigs of data, and I barely use a quarter of the available storage space. There very tiny, about one inch long when closed, a half inch wide and 3/16 of an inch thick. I barely notice them in my pocket. These are my daily portable backups. They are very reliable, but I take no chances. The wear and tear from pocket carry compels me to replace them with newer versions each year. Fool me once…
For my weekly backups, I use two Western Digital My Passport external hard drives:
These are powered by the USB connection on my computer, and don’t require a separate power supply. This makes them a good option for laptops, too. I have a both 60GB and 80GB versions, which are both a couple of years old. I don’t replace these as often as the thumbdrives, since they don’t take the same daily beating. When it is time to replace them, I won’t buy the latest version. I’ll opt for something less than cutting edge, and save a few bucks. The cheapest that I could find was $64.99 for a 250GB version.
Automating the backup
I don’t have an automated backup, but instead do it manually each week. I’ll leave it to an expert to explain automation. Gina Trapani of the website Lifehacker put together this excellent guide to automatically backing up your hard drive.
Other backup options
Of course, my setup is “old school”, and there are many alternatives if you would rather opt for online storage. One is Carbonite, which is a set-it-and-forget-it offsite backup over the internet. Carbonite finds your files, and copies them to their secure servers. Other options include Amazon S3, Mozy, and Dropbox. I can’t vouch for any of them, since I’ve never used online backup. But the website Lifehacker also has a post which details the best online backup tools. Check it out here.
Whatever option that you choose for data backup, make sure you have another backup somewhere. Remember, belt AND suspenders.
For a humorous look at the subject, check out The Tao of Backup.
Share your disaster stories in the comments, so that we can all learn from them. What option have you chosen for data backups?
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Keep it Simple, Stupid
Posted by enrique s in Career, Organizing, Productivity, Rants on December 21st, 2009
Photo by ThrasherDave
Simplicity is an acquired taste. Mankind, left free, instinctively complicates life. - Katharine Fullerton Gerould
One of my coworkers was seeking authorization to spend funds in advance of the receipt of a contract. In other words, he wanted the company to foot the bill for some long-lead-time material so that he could make his deliveries to his customer on time. The contract award was bogged down on the negotiation of terms and conditions, and the customer had instituted a faster-than-normal delivery schedule. Not wanting to disappoint the customer, my coworker took the proactive step of securing the funds. But that’s not the point I’m writing about.
Photo by Matt Ryall
The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity. - Douglas Horton
See, he had to fill out an authorization form. It included cost projections, an estimated date of when we would receive the contract from our customer, and a termination liability profile. It also included a box that needed to be filled in called “Maximum Potential for Future Income”. There were convoluted instructions for filling in the box that would have made Rube Goldberg’s head spin, including a confusing formula. We stood around staring at it like a bunch of chimpanzees contemplating a shiny object. After running the numbers, and making a few phone calls, it became apparent that what they were looking for was a projection of net income. Why they didn’t just label the box “Net Income” is beyond me.
Photo by miss_rogue
Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. - Thor Heyerdahl
Unfortunately, this is but one example of over-complication that I’ve run into at work. I’ve had to read and re-read procedures to get to the basic points that they contain. On more than one occasion, we’ve found situations that were not addressed in these wordy procedures. The writer of the procedure would have been better served by explaining the standards in plain language, rather than talking like a Philadelphia lawyer. My car lease has less words in the fine print!
Photo by caesararum
Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability. - Edsger Dijkstra
So, I beseech you. Keep it simple. What you gain by forgoing the flowery dialogue will help speed things up significantly. In the example that I used, no less than 6 people were involved in figuring out what “”Maximum Potential for Future Income” meant. Everyone at work already knows how smart you are. Save your fellow chimps some time by cutting to the chase and keeping it simple.
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Deming’s Seven Deadly Diseases
Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership, Motivation on December 17th, 2009
I’ve wrote about W. Edwards Deming and his 14 Points in a previous post. You can read it here. Today, I’d like to talk about his Seven Deadly Diseases. These were the ailments that Deming saw as reason for the decline of Western Management:
Lack of constancy of purpose to plan product and service that will have a market and keep the company in business and provide jobs.
General Motors, anyone? Remember the Hummer? As people were clamoring for hybrid vehicles, dealerships couldn’t give these beasts away.
Emphasis on short-term profits: short term thinking, fed by fear of unfriendly takeover, and by plush from bankers and owners, for dividends.
My company focuses on “key salients”, i.e. measurable targets such as new orders, sales, profit, etc. Bonuses for the directors are tied to achieving their numbers for the year. It gets real interesting at year-end, as contracts are accepted with less-than-optimal profit margins just to achieve the new orders target. If this isn’t short-term thinking, I don’t know what is.
Personal review system, or evaluation of performance, merit rating, annual review, or annual appraisal, by whatever name, for people in management, the effects of which are devastating. Management by fear would be better, than management by objective without a method for accomplishment.
Oh boy, a pet peeve of mine. Every year, we have to compile a list of our objectives. The achievement of many of these is out of my control, but they count towards my performance anyway. What everyone does is sandbag their objectives, making most of them easy to attain, so that there’s only good news at review time. Nobody wants to miss accomplishing an objective. The system as it exists is basically useless as a management tool.
Mobility of management: job hopping.
One of my former employers encouraged this practice. They felt that you were ready for a new assignment every 18 months, and encouraged job-hopping. The only problem with this, besides lack of continuity with your customers, is that someone could do a lousy job and get promoted out of it - the Peter Principle in practice. You wouldn’t even know what damage was done until the dust settled. These screw-ups were using company policy to run away from their own messes. People were changing jobs more often than Larry Brown.
Use of visible figures only for management, with little or no consideration of figures that are unknown or unknowable.
Our division has been tasked with an 8% annual CAGR (Compound Annual Growth Rate). Our division is in the defense industry. We’re in a recession. Guess what’s getting cut to help pay for all of last year’s bailouts? That’s right, new defense contracts. Rather than look at a dollar value, we should measure our success against market share. Market share might be harder to measure than new orders, but it is more accurate in determining effectiveness in a declining market.
Excessive medical costs.
My company has a health club on the premises. You pay a small amount as a “copayment”, and you can use the equipment on your own time. We also have free blood pressure screenings. If more companies would offer these preventative measures, maybe we could cut health care costs.
Excessive costs of warranty, fueled by lawyers that work contingency fees.
The product line that I support has a built-in level of expected failures. This leads to the purchase of excess material, which ties up working capital. For every dollar that could be saved, we could invest it back into the company. Think about that when your foreman wants a few extra pieces “just in case”. Improve the quality, and improve the profits.
I’ve pointed out where my company has “sinned”. How about yours? Do you see your own company in any of these examples? If so, have the problems been identified, and any corrective action taken? Let’s hear it in the comments!
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I received a book for my birthday entitled, “The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said“, by Robert Byrne. It’s loaded with quotes from famous people, and being the smartass that I am, I thought that I’d share some of the more sarcastic entries with you. So without further ado, here goes:
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man. - Groucho Marx
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. - Napoleon
Because I’m Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out of hand. I killed him because he wouldn’t become a doctor. - Lenny Bruce
You may already be a loser. - Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
I’m glad we don’t have to play in the shade. - Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees in the shade
Bad spellers of the world, untie! - Graffito
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What the hell are you looking at? - License plate slogan for New York suggested by Steven Pearl
and my favorite:
What died? - Motto for New Jersey suggested by Steven Pearl
This could also be the motto for Staten Island. Ever drive on the West Shore Expressway? You can feel the minutes ticking off your life as you inhale the methane gas.
Bonus sarcasm not from the book:
Every time some sonofabitch gets a hardon, it costs me money. - My father, on learning that he was invited to yet another christening
Have a great Wednesday!
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