Archive for September, 2009

September 2009 Recap

September 09
Photo by LeSmou Imperator

September was a good month, if you’re a New York sports fan.  The Bombers clinched another division title, and the Giants are undefeated.  Now, if A.J. Burnett can get himself straightened out, and the Giants don’t suffer any more injuries, October should be even better!

Here are my favorite posts from the past month:

How Ugly are Your Coworkers?

Men’s Room Ettiquette

The Time Machine

Earn Your Street Cred Like 50 Cent

Dexter’s Code for the Non-Sociopathic

Did you like any of these?  If you did, why not subscribe?  You can receive The Corporate Barbarian either by email or RSS feed.  Subscribe here

Or, follow me on Twitter: CorpBarbarian

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The Broken Windows Theory

posted
Phot by Skelekitten

I recently read an entry by Chris Guillebeau on the Art of Nonconformity blog entitled Business, Blogging, and Broken Windows.  I’m subscribed to Chris’ blog, and I enjoy his views about unconventional living.  In the post, he talks about the potential “broken windows” for an online business. For those unfamiliar with the Broken Windows Theory, it was first mentioned in an article in the Atlantic Monthly.  Here’s an excerpt:

Consider a building with a few broken windows. If the windows are not repaired, the tendency is for vandals to break a few more windows. Eventually, they may even break into the building, and if it’s unoccupied, perhaps become squatters or light fires inside.

Or consider a sidewalk. Some litter accumulates. Soon, more litter accumulates. Eventually, people even start leaving bags of trash from take-out restaurants there or breaking into cars.

Broken Windows in our financial lives

Broken windows can either be repaired quickly, or they can turn into lost causes.  If neglected, more broken windows appear, leading to complete ruin.  After reading the post, I though about the potential “broken windows” in our financial lives.  These would be the bad habits that we get into.  I started to compile a list in my head, based on what happened to a close friend of mine:

Broken Window #1 - You neglect to save any money for your emergency fund.

Broken Window #2 - Your car breaks down, and you charge the repair to your credit card, because you have no emergency fund.

Broken Window #3 - You pay only the minimum payment to your credit card, resulting in a finance charge being assessed for the outstanding balance.

Broken Window #4 - You lose your job.  You have no cushion in the bank, and can’t pay the minimum on your credit card.  Your credit card company assesses a late fee in addition to the finance charge.

Broken Window #5 - You finally get another job.  You save enough money for a down payment on a house, but your spotty credit history due to missed payments counts against you.  Don’t worry, you can still qualify for a subprime mortgage.

Broken Window #6 - The economy is in a shambles, and you lose your job.  Because of the housing bubble, your house value plummets, and you’re underwater on your mortgage.

Broken Window #7 - Your home is foreclosed, and you move in with your daughter.  Your financial life is in a shambles, just like the run-down building in the theory.  Only this is really happening.  If only you would have fixed that first broken window…

Don’t let small problems grow into big ones.  Fix what needs to be fixed.  A little inconvenience now will save you a lot of heartache later on.

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Dexter’s Code for the Non-Sociopathic

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I’m a big fan of Dexter, the Showtime series about a serial killer.  While he is a sociopath, Dexter does have a set of “commandments” set down by his adoptive father, Harry.  The Code of Harry dictates who Dexter can kill, and keeps his urges under control:

The Code of Harry

  1. Killing innocents is NEVER allowed
  2. Always take time and make sure you have the right person-EVIDENCE
  3. Be extremely careful with the killing and more importantly the PREPARATION!
  4. Remember: YOU control your urges to kill, they don’t control you.
  5. Fake emotion and normality to fit in.
  6. Never get caught!
  7. When taking a psychology personality test, always answer the question with the opposite of what you feel

What if you’re not a sociopath?

We all have urges to control, whether they be the urge to eat that leftover pizza while dieting, drink another beer, sneak a cigarette, use credit cards to buy more stuff.  I have my own that I  struggle with, namely junk food and coffee.  I’ve kicked the coffee habit, and did so without the benefit of a Code of Harry.  I could use one for the junk food, though, and thought about compiling my own list of commandments for various urges.  Call it the Code of Hairy, in honor of my beard.  Here’s one for conspicuous spending:

The Code of Hairy

  1. Using credit cards while carrying a balance is NEVER allowed.
  2. Always take time and make sure you have the right coupon.
  3. Be extremely mindful when shopping and more importantly COMPARISON SHOP!
  4. Remember: YOU control your urges to spend, they don’t control you.
  5. Don’t worry about fitting in.  You’re sane, remember?  Be frugal.  Go against the tide.
  6. Get caught by your shopaholic friends, and then share some tips.
  7. When you’re asked to sign up for a store credit card, say NO.

Find what works for you

You get my drift.  My message is, be prepared before you get put in a bad situation.  If a serial killer can abide by some rules, so can you.  Think before you act, and you can save yourself the pain of getting into more debt.  If commandments don’t work for you find something that does.  A mantra.  An affirmation.  Even a Haiku:

A huge one day sale

Will add debt that forces me

To work many years

OK, so that sucked.  But the point is, find your own method to keep those urges in check.  Control your Dark Passenger, and you control your life.

Any other Dexter fans out there?  How do you control your own destructive urges?  Do you know any good Haikus?

Someone talk to me.  My Dark Passenger is stirring.

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5 Things to Know About Social Security

Age-Old Friends
Photo by alan(ator)

Yahoo! Finance recently published a guide to the five most common questions about Social Security benefits.  You can read the original article by clicking on the following link:

What You Need to Know About Social Security

Given all of the doubt that the entitlement program will survive when I reach retirement age, should I count on it as part of my retirement income?

You should. In fact, Social Security provides 50% of the income for more than half of married retired couples and about 20% for high earners. Moreover, it’s the only source of income you’re likely to have that’s guaranteed to last for life and keep pace with inflation.

OK, they’ve got my attention.  I hope that I’ll fall into that high-earner category.  But 20% is nothing to sneeze at.  Let’s take a peek at the guide:

QUESTION 1: Can I count on Social Security to be there?

You can. Despite what you may hear about the system going broke, the funds from workers’ payroll taxes will cover all retirees’ payments until 2016 even if no changes are made to the current program. After that the Social Security Administration can cover full benefits until 2037 by cashing in its Treasury bonds from the Social Security trust fund. And when the bonds run out, income from payroll taxes would be enough to cover about 75% of payments for decades.

That said, the government is looking at ways to shore up the system. President Obama has talked about imposing Social Security payroll taxes on income over $200,000 (currently, earnings over $106,800 are exempt). Other possible fixes: upping payroll taxes, raising the retirement age, and scaling back payments in some way.

The good news for anyone in or near retirement: “People 55 and over are likely to see no change or just a marginal change in benefits,” says actuary Bruce Schobel, who worked on the commission headed by Alan Greenspan nearly 30 years ago that fixed the system (at least until now). But even younger workers can rest assured that drastic cuts are unlikely.

In 2016, I’ll still be working, and for a long while after that.  I’m not comfortable with the liquidation of Treasury bonds to meet current obligations.  And it looks like I’ll never hit the magic exemption level if they keep raising the threshold.

QUESTION 2: How much will I get every month?

Like all things Social Security, there’s a complex formula involved. But essentially, the amount you’ll get at your full retirement age is based on your average lifetime earnings, adjusted for rising wage levels over the years. Depending on when you were born, your full retirement age varies between 65 and 67. Grab your payments earlier than your full retirement age, and they’ll be reduced: Wait, and you’ll get more.

Spouses can also qualify for up to 50% of their husband or wife’s full retirement age payment; if that amount is larger than what you would get based on your own earnings, you’ll get the higher figure. Similarly, if your spouse dies, you would receive a survivor’s benefit of up to 100% of what your deceased spouse was collecting, if that amount is higher than your own payment. Divorced? You may still be eligible for spouse and survivor benefits as well.

Your checks are also automatically adjusted for inflation each January. Payments increased by 5.8% for 2009. But given the near-term inflation outlook, the Congressional Budget Office estimates there may not be a cost of living increase for the next few years.

Because I won’t retire for a long while (read my review of Die Broke), I’m not worried about COLAs.  I have more to worry about just getting a raise each year.  My cost of living isn’t taken into account.  I’m also not planning for a traditional retirement; I actually like going to work.  It gives me a reason to get up each day.  So, I’ll probably let my benefits marinate, and draw a larger number later on.

QUESTION 3: At what age should I begin collecting?

The majority of people take Social Security before full retirement age. But it often pays to wait. Just in terms of benefits accrued, if you have an average life expectancy or better, you’d probably come out ahead waiting for a larger payment that you won’t collect as long. More important, you’ll have a bigger check at an age when your retirement savings are diminished and you aren’t likely to be able to work to supplement your income.

The math gets more complicated for married couples, however, since in addition to what they get from their own earnings, one of them may also qualify for spousal benefits and eventually collect payments as a surviving spouse. So married couples should aim to max out their benefits over both their lifetimes.

Generally, the best strategy is for the higher-earning spouse to delay taking Social Security for as long as possible. That’s because survivor benefits are based on the larger of the couple’s checks. The lower-earner, meanwhile, should usually claim benefits earlier. That will often, though not always, provide the greatest amount of income as well as security in old age.

Like I mentioned in the last comment, I plan on waiting to collect my benefits.  That could change, but that’s the game plan for now.  Being the higher-earning spouse, my wife will claim her benefits earlier.

QUESTION 4: Will I lose benefits if I work?

It’s true that if you collect early and work at the same time, your payments may be reduced (once you reach full retirement age, feel free to toil away; your golf game might suffer, but there’s no effect on your Social Security). Your checks will be reduced by $1 for every $2 you earn over an annual limit, currently $14,160 (the hit is considerably less during the calendar year you hit full retirement age).

But despite what you often read or hear, you don’t actually “lose” that money. At full retirement age Social Security will begin compensating you with a larger check for the benefits that were withheld. And you’ll receive that higher payment for the rest of your life. If you are reasonably long-lived, you’ll wind up collecting more — and you’ll have extra income from your additional years as a wage slave.

Working in retirement can also up your payments in other ways. Your check is based on your 35 highest years of wages. If you work fewer during your career, your benefit will be adjusted to reflect any extra years of work. Even if you clocked all 35 years pre-retirement, you could still get a bump if your annual earnings during your golden years were higher than some years earlier in your career.

Looks like I won’t be affected if I continue to work.  But as long as I have an income from a job, I probably won’t tap my Social Security benefits until I stop working.  Hopefully I’ll be earning enough to bump up my benefits.

QUESTION 5: Will my benefits be taxed?

You thought Uncle Sam would cut you a break after retirement? Fat chance. Currently, about a third of Social Security recipients pay income tax on a portion of their benefits, and the Social Security Administration projects upwards of 42% of recipients will be doing so by 2018.

To see whether you’ll owe taxes and, if so, to estimate what the bill might be, use our simplified worksheet (”Add up the tax bill,” above, right) or fill out the extremely detailed one in IRS Publication 915: Social Security and Equivalent Railroad Retirement Benefits, available at irs.gov.

If you want to lessen the tax bite, there are a couple of options. One is to wait at least until full retirement age to claim Social Security, if you think that income from a post-retirement job could result in a big tax bill.

Another way to avoid taxes is to pull money from a Roth IRA instead of a traditional IRA or 401(k). That’s because Roth withdrawals don’t count as income in figuring whether your benefits are taxable. So if you don’t already have money in a Roth, you may want to fund one or convert some of your traditional IRA to a Roth. After all, in retirement, you’re likely to need all the cash you can get.

Let’s see, work to full retirement age, check.  Contribute to Roth IRA, check.  Looks like I’m good to go.  How about you?

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Earn Your Street Cred Like 50 Cent

Insert Coin
Photo by @sahxic < twitter

You ain’t no gangsta

You’se a busta, a customer, a sucker

- from You Ain’t No Gangsta

My two sons were arguing the other day, which isn’t unusual for teenage brothers to do.  I’m just glad when they don’t come to blows over a hot topic.  The day’s discussion was about rappers, and who was, as my youngest said, “the real deal”, aka not a poser.  My youngest argued that the only one with “street cred” was 50 Cent.  The oldest threw in Tupac Shakur and DMX as his choices.  They laughed when I brought up N.W.A., saying that “Ice Cube makes those stupid family comedies, so he can’t be the real deal.”  I quickly closed my mouth, for fear that I’d put my foot in deeper.  Obviously, I don’t follow rap music, so I didn’t know what they were talking about.  But I listened intently, for another reason.

A Real Badass

My youngest said that 50 Cent, or “Fiddy” as he’s affectionately known, earned his credibility by dealing  drugs and getting shot.  Hmm.  Sounds pretty badass to me.  I made a mental note to monitor the music my kids listen to, and continued to eavesdrop.  He continued that guys like Kanye West and Lil Wayne were “posers”, because they didn’t live the lifestyle, or “walk the walk” like a real gangsta.  My oldest said that Tupac was actually gunned down, so he had people who felt strongly against him, and that he was the most “street”, and therefor, the real deal.

A Corporate Badass?

So what did I make of this argument?  I applied it, of course, to my work life.  I asked myself, am I the real deal?  Do I not only talk the talk, but walk the walk?  Could the Corporate Barbarian be a mere poser?  Or did I possess that ethereal quality, the street cred, that separates the wheat from the chaff?  I gave myself the thumbs-up, but I wanted to know how my coworkers felt about me.  So, I perniciously started asking around, seeing if I wasn’t just a legend in my own mind.

Walkin’ the Walk

I don’t know if they were just blowing smoke up my ass, but the four program managers that I regularly support all thought that I was doing a fine job.  One told me that I was his “go-to guy”.  Another said that I was the best finance guy that he’s ever worked with.  That made me feel good.  I’ll remember to take care of him first next time.  Just kidding.  I think the reasons the guys like working with me are as follows (my apologies for the rap lyrics):

1. I never back down from a challenge

It’s easy to see when you look at me

If you look closely, 50 don’t back down

- from Back Down

I’m always willing to roll up my sleeves and bust my ass.  I mean, I’m getting paid to do this, right?  The more difficult the assignment, the greater the reward when it’s conquered.  Bring it on!

2. I don’t make excuses

We only humans girl we make mistakes

To make it up I do whatever it take

- from 21 Questions

If I screw something up, I’m usually the first to announce my error.  People will find out anyway, so it’s better to ‘fess up early.  That leaves more time for corrective action.

3. I’m experienced

I been around the world and aiya-ya-ya

Must be goin’ crazy

Cause I’m still down

-from 5 Heartbeats

I’ve been there, done that.  Though I’m not a lifer in this company, like some of my coworkers, that allows me to bring a different perspective from the many companies that I’ve work for.

4. I thrive under pressure

I live

Life in the fast lane

Man I ain’t got nuttin ta lose

- from As the World Turns

I actually like deadlines.  It forces me to get my ass moving.  A little stress is a good thing.  It keeps the blood flowing.

5. I’m always learning

You know when you party with the crooks

You gotta learn to respect the jooks

- from Hand Up High

I like to flood my brain with new ideas.  I believe there’s more than one way to skin a cat.  I’m always looking for a new angle, a new way to solve a problem.

6. I’m willing to do whatever it takes

Let me take these bricks and break ‘em down

If you want I can serve ‘em by the pound

- from Fire

I hate the compartmentalization of many companies, mine included.  I think all of the rules and regulations stifles creativity.  I’ll frequently step over the line if I can do some good, even if it’s not in the rulebook.  I recently did this by filling in for one of my program managers.

7. I’m loyal

I ride, you ride for me

My enemies your enemies

-from True Loyalty

I don’t gossip or backstab.  I’m not a political animal.  All I want to do is a good job.  People know they can count on me to keep a secret.  They trust me.

How about you?  Are you a poser?  Or do you have the respect of your coworkers, the “street cred” that 50 Cent has?

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5 Cities Where Home Prices Will Rise

Business Graph
Photo by nDevilTV

Economists are saying that some of the country’s real estate markets are showing signs of recovering.  Yahoo! Finance says that they expect the national market to bottom out in 2010.  You can read the original article by clicking the link:

Where Home Prices are Likely to Rise

While these cities won’t experience exponential growth, at least there’s a tick upward, rather than down.  Better than Moody’s prediction of  a 16.08% nationwide decrease by the end of the year.  And things don’t improve that quickly, either.  They don’t expect a return to the pre-crash levels until 2014.

If you live in Florida, you probably will continue to see prices drop.  The article cites overbuilding and a slow-growing economy as the obvious reasons.  Contrast this with cities in Texas, where tougher zoning laws prevented overbuilding.  The loss of population and jobs has hurt the Midwest, and Detroit has its own problems related to the auto industry.

Without further ado, here’s the list of the early risers:

Atlanta, GA

1 year change, 2009: -14.91%

3 year change, 2009-2012: 0.98%

5 year change, 2009-2014: 11.35%

Austin, TX

1 year change, 2009: 0.29%

3 year change, 2009-2012: -1.54%

5 year change, 2009-2014: -1.01%

Baltimore, MD

1 year change, 2009: -13.32%

3 year change, 2009-2012: -3.33%

5 year change, 2009-2014: 9.22%

Boston, MA

1 year change, 2009: -9.75%

3 year change, 2009-2012: 4.48%

5 year change, 2009-2014: 20.44%

Charlotte, NC

1 year change, 2009: -8.15%

3 year change, 2009-2012: 3.54%

5 year change, 2009-2014: 12.20%

Wow, a 20% growth in Boston!  I was hoping for some good news in the New York area, but it seems our pain is just beginning.  We’ll only expect a 4% growth over the next 5 years.  I’m glad we’re not planning on moving anytime soon.

How about your area?  Click on the following link to see a complete list that Forbes.com has put together:

In Depth: Where Home Prices Are Likely To Rise

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The Time Machine

timemachine5153deekwql_sl160_

Yesterday was H.G. Wells’ birthday.  I’ve always enjoyed his science fiction stories, especially The Time Machine.  It’s tempting to want a do-over, just like when we were kids.  I don’t know about you, but there are several decisions that I’ve made in my life that I’d like to have back.

My 401(k) - I would have fully funded it at a younger age.  This way, I would have lost even more when the market tanked last year.  Just kidding.  But knowing the time value of money, and the magic of compound interest, this one is a no-brainer.

Market Timing - Now, if I had known the day the market was going to tank, I’d have pulled my money out.  A guy I work with did just that, and he’s not complaining about his retirement losses.  He’s over 60, so he had to be more cautious than someone my age.  But given the difficulty in predicting the market, my investment in index funds seemed prudent at the time.

My house - We bought our house about a year after we were married.  It was tough making the payments, even with two salaries.  We also decimated our 401(k)s for the down payment, which set our retirement savings way back.  Given a do-over, I’d hop in the Wayback Machine with Mr. Peabody and tell my younger self to wait a few years before buying a house.

My career - I’ve held many jobs at several companies, but I think that I would have taken even more chances when I was younger and had no kids.  Having responsibility tempers your risk-taking, and I should have swung for the fences when I was in my twenties.  I’ll still take calculated risks, but I can’t be as brash as a recent college grad.  There’s more to lose now than back then.

My health - I would have taken better care of myself, and not let myself slide into these ruts where I overeat and stop exercising.  This starts a never ending cycle of gaining and losing weight.  Very inefficient, compared to maintaining an even keel.  Put down that donut, fatso, and hit the treadmill!

My purchases - I would have skipped a couple of vacations, fewer electronic gadgets, and brown-bagged it to work more often than I did.  Even if I banked only a fraction of what I spent on these things, it would make a big difference in my savings.

If you had access to a time machine, what would you go back in time to change?  What advice would you give to your younger self?

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5 Years to Pay Off a $100K Debt

Day 4 - Paying off debt
Photo by quaziefoto

A Wisconsin family won the Professional Achievement and Counseling Excellence (PACE) Award for paying down $106K in debt.  You can read the original article by clicking the following link:

The Biggest Losers (of Debt): How a Family Shed $106,000 in Debt

While they still have a mortgage, they’ve eliminated $89K in credit card balances and a $17K loan to family members.  While I applaud them for their efforts, I wonder, how do you rack up $89K in credit card debt?  The interest payments must have been enormous.  At what point did they feel they needed credit counseling help?  $50K?  $75K?  It seems like they waited a little too long to put on the brakes.

The family wasn’t a victim of a balloon mortgage; in fact, they rented their home:

Not that the Hildebrandts’ lifestyle was lavish. The couple, along with their twin daughters, Heidi and Holly, lived in a rented 1,000 square foot townhome. Vacations consisted of visits to extended family members in the Midwest. Russell was a chemist with a Twin Cities-based environmental testing laboratory; Kandy was a stay-at-home mom and home-schooled their daughters.

It seems that the family had its share of medical problems, and continued to tithe to their church, even though they were sinking deeper into debt.  If I were in their shoes, the tithing would have been the first thing that I cut back on.  I know, I’m a cynical Catholic, and I’m going to hell.  But 10% of your salary is a big nut.  Well, the husband was a better man than me, and refused to file for bankruptcy even while he continued to tithe.  Instead, the family signed up with a credit counseling service and vowed to stick to a five-year plan to eliminate their debt.

It was rough sailing from the beginning.  The family couldn’t come up with the $2,000 per month to pay their creditors.  This equated to half of their take-home pay.  They had to make sacrifices:

Several steps were key to making the plan work. Kandy and Russell eliminated discretionary spending. Kandy began buying generic food and frequenting thrift stores for clothing purchases. They stopped exchanging Christmas and birthday gifts with each other and their relatives.

The husband took on a second job, cleaning a local grocery store several nights a week.  They made do with one car.  Their credit card balances started to slowly decrease.

And then the wife got pregnant again.

The couple could have thrown in the towel with the new baby expenses, but they used their new addition as a positive, and remained on track to pay off their debts.  They paid off their credit cards 6 months ahead of schedule.  They even used the first-time home buyers tax credit to purchase a home.

So, all that they have left is a mortgage payment.  At least they bought the house after the bubble burst, so they’re not underwater.  While I admire their determination, and their execution, I would have done things a little differently:

Send the kids to public school - The kids were homeschooled.  Nothing wrong with that, but by sending them to public school, you’d free up their mother (You see where this is going).

The wife gets a job - Another income, even for a limited period of time, would be a big help.  Apply it directly to the debt payments.  That should knock some months off the schedule.

Cut back on the tithing - (Watches for thunderbolt from above) I’m sure this suggestion would be dismissed by this family, but I would at least cut this back a little.  I mean, the kids didn’t even get Christmas presents!

Don’t get me wrong, they did a great job getting out of debt.  I just would have done some things differently.  What about you?  Is there some opportunity that they missed?

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Stepping Up on Short Notice

I
Photo by TheGiantVermin

I had to substitute for a colleague, who’s wife became ill.  He was supposed to present his program to his director, and because I had intimate knowledge of the program, I was asked to step up.  In other words, nobody else wanted to be put on the spot, and I was to be the sacrificial lamb.  Fine.  Oh, I left out one piece of data: I was given an hour’s notice to prepare.

I’ve seen this movie

Being a finance guy, I’m familiar with being interrogated by auditors.  I’ve also given numerous presentations in the past, so I’m pretty comfortable in front of a room.  I always try to do a good job with my preparation, so that I’m not caught off-guard on any questions.  I find it easier when everyone in the room is involved, or at least familiar with the material that I’m presenting.  This keeps it from being just another dog-and-pony show, where there’s no give-and-take between the attendees.

Thinking on my feet

Well, I didn’t have much time to prepare, so I put together a Cliffs Notes version of the program, a quick-and-dirty view.  I hit the highlights, hoping that I could use velocity to get through the meeting unscathed.  Oh, and since I had about 15 minutes remaining after I did all of this, I couldn’t do a proper run-through, a dress rehearsal if you will.  I’m lucky that I shaved this morning!  I didn’t want to look like a babbling idiot in front of  this director.

Put up or shut up

So I stepped up to the podium, and made a joke that my presence was a game-time decision, and that I was pinch-hitting for the program manager.  In the room were 25 people, half of which had no interest at all in the program that I was presenting.  Most were waiting for their turn at the podium, and were busy jotting down notes to themselves.  Boy, was I rusty.  But I did a halfway decent job, and answered any questions for which the director needed clarification.  The presentation was over fairly quickly, as I’ve seen firsthand the grilling these guys get each month.  I’d give myself a B- for my effort.

The takeaway

The takeaway?  Don’t let your skills get rusty.  I’m determined to keep a fine edge on my presentation abilities, just in case I have to fill in again.  Next month, even though the program manager will be presenting, I’m going to prepare my own pitch, even though nobody will hear it but me.  It will help shake the rust off, and hopefully help me regain my diminished skills.

Go forth and practice

So, if you have any muscles that you haven’t flexed in a while, you might consider giving them a workout.  You never know when you’ll be called upon to use them.

Read my adventures as I’m put on the spot: Subscribe

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Men’s Room Etiquette

no, I didn
Photo by amy_b

Ladies, you can skip this post.  Really, this one is not fit for your eyes.  My wife thought the subject matter was disgusting.  It’s for the benefit of my brothers out there in the corporate world.  It also has nothing to do with personal finance, but everything to do with corporate culture and basic human decency.  It involves that scary place of bad smells and strange noises known as the Men’s Room.  Unlike the Executive Washroom of 1960s movie fantasies, these places have all the charm (and cleanliness) of a gas station bathroom

We men live by a code: What happens in the Men’s Room, stays in the Men’s Room.  Unless, of course, someone holds the door open for too long, and everyone gets a whiff of the toxic gas that permeates the place.  Corporate bathrooms are especially toxic, as they are usually large affairs designed to accommodate numerous employees.  We men are dirty, smelly pigs.  Many  don’t know the proper etiquette of the Men’s Room, so I’m going to lay it out for you guys.  Here are some suggestions that will help you straighten up and fly right:

Don’t talk to me about anything while I’m at the urinal - I don’t care where you stand on Project XYZ, or how your son’s Little League team is doing.  It stinks in here, and I’m trying to get done as soon as possible.  I’ll see you outside in a few minutes, anyway.  And watch the heavy breathing, buddy.  You shouldn’t be that winded from taking a whiz.

funniest urinal art ever
Photo by arvindgrover

If there are several free urinals, don’t pick the one right next to me - It’s tight enough in here.  Leave some room.  Or I’m throwing elbows.

Open wide
Photo by Elsie esq.

Watch your aim - I mean, Geez, you’re inches away from the urinal.  Don’t piss on the floor.  I don’t want to step in it!  I know one guy who was put on the layoff list because of this.  True Story!


Phot by alanwoo

Don’t talk to me from the stall, either - Whatever you have to say to me can wait until we get out.  You may find yourself talking to an empty room.

stoptalking31c5f09hbkl_sl160_

Don’t talk on your cellphone when you’re in the stall, either - Dude!  Look at what you’re doing.  Are you going to wash your cellphone when you’re done?  Put the Crackberry away.

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No loud noises from the stall - Sounds made by bodily functions can’t be avoided.  I’m talking about vocal sounds.  I don’t care how many sliders you ate at White Castle last night.  Keep it down, will ya?  Some guys sound like they’re in labor in there.  There was less groaning in the maternity ward when my wife gave birth to my kids.

quiet31tiw5-jqgl_sl160_

Two words: Mercy Flush - After you’ve serenaded those of us trapped at the urinals with your strange evacuation noises, don’t leave your deposit marinating for all of us to smell.  Like George Carlin used to say, it’s not the smell, it’s the burning of my eyes!  Flush the toilet.  I beg of you.

whofarted51dnkkzugbl_sl160_

Tell me you’re not eating in there - I swear to God, some guys start and end the digestive process in the same place.  That’s gross, man.  No wonder you have diarrhea.  Leave your chow and coffee at your desk.

nevereatalone418fzixtmol_sl160_

Don’t sleep in the stall - Your snoring is distracting.  Get back to work before your boss finds you.

206/365 What I
Photo by -mrsraggle-

Don’t use my newspaper for your toilet reading - I might have wanted to read it, but not anymore.  It’s yours now.  Buy me a fresh one.  After you wash your hands.

Deep Snowboard Mag.
Photo by denniskatinas

Wash your freakin’ hands when you’re done - Especially if you work in the IT department, and have to touch my computer or phone.  Yuck.  Remember what your hands where just doing.

washhands41dpq5i1vel_sl160_

Better yet, also use the Purell dispenser - Belt and suspenders, you know what I mean?  You can’t be too clean.

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Clean up after yourself - Don’t throw paper towels on the floor, or toilet paper, for that matter.  This place is gross enough.  Police your area.

Installation art at Reboot
Photo by Lars Plougmann

I hope that this post will help make your next Men’s Room visit a positive experience.  Why not do your part by forwarding it to your friends to help spread the word?  Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.  Thanks.

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