Archive for June, 2009
A Graduate’s Personal Finance Assignment
Posted by enrique s in Book & Product Reviews, College on June 30th, 2009
My son’s graduation ceremony took place this past weekend. The sun finally made an appearance, so it was held on the high school football field. There were actually a few good speeches. The principal called the graduates the “Online Generation”, and how credentials will mean less in this day of YouTube and blogging. One of the high-ranking students talked about following your passion. He also encouraged his classmates to follow an unconventional path as long as it takes them where they want to go. He tasked them with trying several things they never would have tried before starting college in the fall (he stressed legal things). I thought it was a great speech.
A Brainstorm
This got me thinking. My son has had a summer reading assignment each year since his summer after 5th grade. The students were given a book to read, and had to either complete a book report or PowerPoint presentation in time for their first English class in September. My son thought he was off the hook because he graduated. Heh heh. Little did he know…
C’mon Dad! Not Another Book Report!
So this year, I’m giving him a reading assignment. I figured that I’d start him off with something breezy, so he’s going to read The Wealthy Barber (he was thrilled when I told him he didn’t have to write a paper).
I’ve reviewed The Wealthy Barber on this website, and it was the first personal finance book that I had read. It’s told in a narrative form that’s easy to follow, and hopefully it catches his interest. I just want him to take away something out of the book (hopefully on paying yourself first).
A “Soft” Due Date
I’m giving him the whole summer to read it, so as not to turn him off completely. I hope he’ll get into it, and actually learn something from it (not just that his dad is a pain in the ass). Time will tell.
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Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 3
Posted by enrique s in Book & Product Reviews on June 28th, 2009
This is Part 3 of my review and chapter summary of Getting Rich in America: 8 Simple Rules for Building a Fortune and a Satisfying Life by Dwight R. Lee and Richard B. McKenzie.
You can read the first two parts of this review by clicking the following links:
Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 1
Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 2
Rule #5. Get Married and Stay Married
“Marriage is like life in this - that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses.” - Robert Louis Stevenson
Contrary to all the bad press, marriage can lead to greater wealth accumulation. The evidence points to married people earning disproportionately more and having disproportionately more wealth than single people living separately or together. While marriage is not essential to making it in America, it can greatly improve your chances of making it.
Married men earn up to 26% more than unmarried men. Married women earn more than unmarried women, as long as they remain childless. Married couples have an income that’s 15% greater than the median income of all families. Due to their higher incomes, married couples have more wealth later in life than unmarried couples.
The cooperation required by marriage can lead to economies of scale and specialization. This specialization leads to efficiency, which allows for more time to do other things, among them work, which brings in more income.
Married people have the advantage of not having to look for a life partner (unless they want to get in trouble with their spouse). The time and money invested in this endeavor can be enormous, as clubs and dating services have their own distinct costs.
Divorce often occurs because spouses devote insufficient resources to developing and maintaining the marriage contract. An extended dating and engagement period affords the partners the time to test each other beforehand.
Marriage can extend the life expectancy over that of single people. The most general reason is that married couples have better health than single and divorced people, as highlighted in the following research findings:
- Divorced men have twice the lung cancer rate of married men;
- Divorced men have three to four times the rate of other cancers;
- Divorced and single men and women have from two and a half to three and a half times the married men’s rate of death from heart disease;
- Married people have fewer problems with anxiety and depression;
- Marriage increases the likelihood that women will have children, and women who have given birth tend to have a lower rate of breast cancer.
Children can be expensive. Many couples delay their savings until after the kids are out of the house. This could prove disastrous to your accumulation of wealth, as college costs take precedence over retirement savings.
The key to a happy and successful marriage, not surprisingly, is to find someone who is both emotionally and financially compatible.
My Take
Not to get too sappy, but marriage was probably the best choice that I’ve ever made, so I have to second the authors’ advice. I think it’s key to take the time to get to know each other thoroughly, just so there are no surprises (look at me acting like Dear Abby). It’s also nice to know that at least one person in this world has your back, and will miss you when you’re gone. From just a financial perspective, having a compatible partner allows you to both follow the same goals of wealth accumulation. It’s been working for us so far. 
Rule #6. Take Care of Yourself
Why accumulate wealth and destroy your health in the process? Healthy people miss less work, are more productive at work, and are more likely to be promoted and earn larger salaries.
Taking care of yourself increases the odds of living to a ripe old age, but we Americans aren’t taking full advantage of our opportunities. The average life span of an American is ranked twenty-third in the world (must be all of that supersizing at Mickie D’s). Wealth can increase the opportunities for indulgences that are unhealthy. Resisting these unhealthy temptations will pay long-term dividends both physically and financially.
The good news is that you can choose to live a longer, healthier life. Consider these facts:
- A male who smokes forty or more cigarettes daily will lose eight years of his life.
- 90% of premature deaths can be attributed to smoking cigarettes, overeating, misusing alcohol, failing to control high blood pressure, not exercising, or not wearing seat belts.
- Death is seventeen times more likely on a motorcycle, motor scooter, and motor bike than in a car.
- 40% of traffic accidents result from speeding, failing to yield right of way, or tailgating.
- A 20mg/dl drop in blood cholesterol reduced deaths due to heart disease by 16%.
- An active life and a long life go hand in hand. Those who exercise can expect to live longer than couch potatoes.
The longer you live, the better return you’ll receive on defined benefit plans such as Social Security, pensions, and annuities. The definition of retirement is also changing. Many people are retiring on the “Installment Plan” for various reasons:
- Satisfaction derived from work;
- Work is becoming less physically demanding;
- Career shifting will become natural;
- Technology has allowed working from home and flexible hours;
- Companies have shifted from defined benefit plans such as pensions to defined contribution plans like the 401(k).
The chapter offers some practical advice for taking care of yourself, such as exercising every day, making exercise fun, controlling your weight, eating healthy foods, not smoking, moderate drinking, not doing drugs, getting enough sleep, being careful, doing volunteer work to feel good about yourself, and staying mentally active as well as physically active.
My Take
I’d like to stick around to enjoy my money, too. I’ve taken better care of myself this year, changing up my diet and exercise routines. I’ve even tried to eliminate caffeine from my life. The “be careful” message reminds me of the movie Along Came Polly, where Ben Stiller tried to get insurance for a Richard Branson-type daredevil who enjoyed dangerous hobbies like BASE jumping. Maybe “dangerous” things like skydiving or motorcycle riding make life worthwhile for some people, so you can’t generalize and have us all live in protective cocoons. I think I’m on board with the new kind of retirement, too. I don’t think that I’ll have the patience or the money to play golf for thirty years, so I’ll continue to work in some manner.
Don’t miss Part 4 of this review. Click this link for email updates: Email Updates
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Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 2
Posted by enrique s in Book & Product Reviews on June 25th, 2009
This is Part 2 of my review and chapter summary of Getting Rich in America: 8 Simple Rules for Building a Fortune and a Satisfying Life by Dwight R. Lee and Richard B. McKenzie.
You can read Part 1 of this review by clicking the following link: Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 1
Rule #3.Resist Temptation
“A penny saved is a penny earned.” - Benjamin Franklin
Frugality requires sacrifice. A penny saved can be many pennies earned. The two keys to resisting temptation are recognizing that:
- That there are plenty of things we can easily do without, or with less of.
- That tremendous benefits can be achieved from being frugal.
There are plenty of expenses that you can eliminate and never even miss. You just have to distinguish between needs versus wants. Frugality is not an all-or-none proposition, but can be measured on a continuum.
“But I want to spend my money while I can enjoy it.” How many times have you heard that line, or said it yourself? Life is full of trade offs, and getting rich is no exception. If you spend it all now, you’ll leave nothing for later. Cutting back on spending will do little to reduce the pleasure of life. Life can be enjoyed at any age.
The spending trade offs are quantified with a table showing the increase in retirement wealth that comes from choosing the more frugal option. These include buying a used cars rather than a new ones ($869K savings from age 23 to 67), brown-bagging your lunch (something I’ve written about, a $283K savings), and even not buying lottery tickets ($106K savings). These not only provide for better financial health, but also a sense of security:
- Establishing a saving and investment plan gives you more control over your life;
- Saving is easier if you make a game out of it;
- Reduce the immediate cost of saving by adjusting your payroll tax withholding;
- Invest in your company’s 401(k) plan.
One way that helps curb temptation is not to use credit cards, which make it easier to spend more. But not all spending is consumption. A new computer may help boost your output, or a health club membership might make you healthier. The authors recommend buying a computer for work from your own funds, if your boss won’t pay for one, if you think it will increase your productivity.
My Take
It’s tough to distinguish between needs and wants, as the determination is very subjective. Some expenses are easier to give up than others, and that would depend on the person. For instance, I don’t have a smartphone, just an old-fashioned cellphone that basically allows for calls and texting. My buddy has a phone with a slide-out keyboard for texting. To me, theat option is a want, as I don’t text frequently. My buddy thinks I’m a Luddite for using the old phone for texting, and considers the keyboard a necessity. Different strokes for different folks.
I don’t feel that credit cards are evil. I’ve used them for 0% arbitrage, and have taken advantage of their cashback awards. I’ve used them for big ticket purchases, and when I didn’t have enough cash on hand when a great opportunity surfaced. But I’ve managed to pay the balances off promptly. Someone with less self-control might be better off not using credit cards.
As far as buying stuff for work, I’ve never paid for my own office computer, but I have sprung for highlighters, pens, and other accessories if I felt they would help. But I’ve never spent more than a small amount, and I can’t see myself ever doing this.
Rule #4. Get a Good Education
Getting a good education is a worthwhile idea if even your goal is not to get rich. It’s also a good rule for building a satisfying life. You’ll develop interests and insights that will enrich you, and you may get more enjoyment from the extra money that often accompanies more education.
The difference in income that you’ll earn from pursuing a bachelor’s degree compared to a high school diploma is about $25,730. Assuming a 1.5% income growth until retirement, and investing the difference at an 8% yield, nets the college grad an extra $3.15 million. This also takes into account the extra four years that the high school graduate worked while the college grad was still in school.
Obviously, you would have to be passionate about a field of study in order to realize your earning potential, so don’t choose a college major just to chase the bucks. Interacting with fellow college students also helps build your network, and increases your learning opportunities. It’s the old “not what you know, but who you know” argument.
Another way of increasing the education payoff is to get through college quickly. You’ll start your career earlier, allowing you to throw money at your nest egg, which will have more time to marinate in the compound interest. Going back to college for an post graduate degree will also pay off in increased income, especially if your company pays for it.
Doing well in school will help you develop productive attributes such as:
- Showing up on time
- Paying close attention to assignments
- Completing assignments on time
- Doing more than the minimum required
- Expressing your views forcibly, yet reasonably
- Treating the views of others with respect and consideration
- Struggling with difficult tasks rather than giving up in frustration
- Organizing your time and activities to satisfy a number of pressing demands
My Take
Going to college definitely increased my earning potential. Going back for my MBA increased it even more, and I got my company to pay for most of it. I probably should have done more networking while I was still in college, but studying and my part-time jobs usually got in the way (Note to Junior: Join some clubs!).
I have a problem with trying to get through college quickly. My college years were some of the best times of my life; I wouldn’t have wanted to rush through them and miss out on the experience. Sure, you’ll accumulate more money by graduating early, but you’ll miss out on all of the good things that college has to offer. I favor postponing the start of your grown-up life in order to work on your networking.
Read Part 3 of my review by clicking here: Part 3
Sign up for email updates by clicking here: Email Updates
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Getting Rich in America Book Review and Summary, Part 1
Posted by enrique s in Book & Product Reviews on June 23rd, 2009
This is Part 1 of my review and chapter summary of Getting Rich in America: 8 Simple Rules for Building a Fortune and a Satisfying Life by Dwight R. Lee and Richard B. McKenzie. I won’t turn this into a Cliffs Notes version, but I’ll hit the high points, and provide my take on the rule at the end of each chapter summary.
Rule #1. Think of America as the Land of Choices
The focus is on how ordinary people have “made it”, based on the principles that they were taught as children. The recurring theme is that hard work pays off. The people who have succeeded have been able to recognize the opportunities that have been made available to them. There are no get-rich-quick schemes, but a whole-life approach to building a fortune. All that’s needed is the adherence to a few rules (the 8 Simple Rules in the book’s subtitle). The $1 million net worth figure as a benchmark of having “made it” is explained, as fewer than 4 percent of all Americans have a net worth greater than $1 million. This standard is more easily achievable than most Americans would believe. While the million would not provide for a luxurious retirement, the interest income would match the median family income. The traits of the “typical” American millionaire are given as:
- A male that has been married for a long time;
- Became a millionaire in his fifties;
- A median net worth of $1.6 million;
- Built his fortune through running his own business;
- Live a modest, frugal lifestyle;
- 85% of the millionaires still clip coupons;
- Drive older domestic cars;
- Don’t live in upscale neighborhoods;
- Have a median income of $131,000;
- Are first-generation millionaires.
My Take
The first thing that struck me was the income level. This happens to be an achievable number for me, if I play my cards right. The other thing that jumps out: these are frugal millionaires, who drive older cars, and even cut coupons! It’s the old spend-less-than-you-earn mentality put into practice. Well, it looks like it works.
Rule #2. Take the Power of Compound Interest Seriously - and Then Save
Compound interest is no trade secret. Many immigrants have come to America with nothing, and have amassed small fortunes by working hard and investing their savings. They’ve followed these three steps:
- Save and invest something of what you earn persistently.
- Achieve a reasonable rate of return each year on your investment, which requires that you take some risks.
- Be patient, allowing your savings and investments to grow for a long stretch of time.
An example shows that a college graduate who invests $2,000 at age 22 can achieve, at a rate of return of 15%, a nest egg of $814,774 at age sixty-five. Granted, getting your money to earn 15% may seem far fetched these days, but the method holds true. At a 10% rate of return, the graduate would yield about $120,480 at age sixty-five. That’s almost $700K less than the 15% return. Obviously, the amount of risk tolerance is key to future growth of an investment. Still, growing $2,000 into $120,480 is nothing to sneeze at.
Saving at an early age is the key to building a nice nest egg. Time is on your side. Starting at age 40 compared to age 50 will yield twice as much at age 65. But what do you do if you’ve missed the boat on saving early on? Several strategies are presented, such as:
- Save more of a percentage of your income.
- Extend the years of work and saving.
- Increase the rate of return.
Life expectancy has risen over the years, allowing people to take more risks for a longer period of time. So the shift from equities into bonds can take place later, allowing for a greater investment in stocks, and a potentially greater return.
Each chapter has a bullet summary, and also shows the basis of their calculations that you can follow on a Texas Instruments calculator.
My Take
I’m not sure if I would expect a 15% return anymore. That would require a shift in my risk tolerance. But the point of investing when you’re young is a valid one. Time is on your side, so why not get started early? What I would add is to make the savings automatic - have a fixed amount deducted from each paycheck and don’t touch it!
Click here for Part 2, where I’ll discuss Rules #3 and #4.
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The Corporate Barbarian: Soggy U.S. Open Edition
The U.S. Open is being played in my neck of the woods, and unfortunately the weather hasn’t been cooperating. Those greens must be in terrible shape! I don’t know if Tiger can perform another miracle under these conditions. At least my fellow New Yorkers have been providing lots of “atmosphere”, so much so that they cut off beer sales yesterday at Bethpage Black because of the heckling. I thought I was watching the Bleacher Creatures at a Yankees-Red Sox game.
Here’s some good reading from the last week:
The Art of Manliness has an article about the lessons learned from growing up fatherless;
Jim at Bargaineering wonders how much house he can buy for $10,000;
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Update: Lucas Glover pulled it out. I guess Phil Mickelson was the sentimental favorite. It was nice to see David Duval finish strong.
Follow me on Twitter: CorpBarbarian
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The Downside to Flex Time
Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership, Productivity on June 22nd, 2009
They say to get ahead, you should try to get to the office before anyone else. I can never beat my boss into the office, because he starts work at 6 a.m. He has various reasons for starting so early, the most notable one being he has to be around when his kids get home from school, and his wife works later hours at her job. I probably could get in at 6 also, but I ask the question: Why?
Flex time
While my boss starts at 6, his direct reports, including me, report between 7:30 and 8:30. We’re on a flex-time schedule, so you can basically start whatever time that you want, within reason. You need to be around for the “core hours” of 8:30-3:30, so that you can attend meetings, interact with your colleagues, and what not. It’s a nice, family-friendly schedule, but there is a downside to it.
An early-morning ritual
Starting up to two hours ahead of the rest of us gives my boss some alone-time. He uses some of this time to send out a barrage of emails. Many of the things that he addresses in the emails have already been taken care the day before, after he’d left for the night. So the time disconnect is affecting his productivity, as he’s chasing after items that are completed. Of course, we’ll let him know the status of any major items, but it’s the minutia that slips through the cracks that make up the bulk of the early-morning email. He also has a nasty habit of ignoring our emails, and reading only the correspondence from his boss, the Grand Poobah.
Lost opportunities
By leaving earlier than everyone else, he misses out on many important events that seem to rear their ugly heads at around 5 p.m. We may need an approval that only he can give, unless we try to get it from the Grand Poobah, who is pathologically tied up and unavailable. The concern then gets addressed in an email, which he will undoubtedly ignore when he arrives in the morning.
I smell a paradigm shift
What do you do with a boss like this? You learn the nuances of his management style. You learn to work around his schedule. And if something absolutely, positively, can only be addressed with some direct face time, you get your ass in earlier than usual. Remember, you work for the boss, not the other way around.
Besides, I kind of like having nobody looking over my shoulder in the afternoon, anyway.
Follow me on Twitter: CorpBarbarian. Just not too closely.
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An Ideal Fathers’ Day
Posted by enrique s in Uncategorized on June 19th, 2009
I won’t be getting a tie for Father’s Day this year. No, I didn’t peek. I know because I bought one for my son’s graduation party, and it should hold me for awhile. I don’t wear one to work anymore, as we have a corporate casual dress code. But it really doesn’t matter what material gift I receive. Fatherhood is a gift unto itself. No, really, I’m not being sarcastic this time, I swear!
Thankful for my kids
Being a father has helped me grow as a person. I’ve found patience that I never knew I had. My kids have brought much joy over the years, and not only when they’re asleep. So it doesn’t matter what they get me for Father’s Day; their mere presence in my life is enough for me.
Even more thankful for my wife
The person most responsible for me even being a father is my lovely wife. She had to endure 48 hours of labor before giving birth to my oldest. All I had to do was stand around and watch her in pain. I definitely had the cushy part of parenthood then. I still do to this day.
A new father
My younger cousin and his wife had their first baby recently, so this is his first Father’s Day. I’m sure he’s as excited as I was when I became a father. I speak from experience when I say the joy that kids bring far outweighs the work involved. So to him and all of the other dads out there, have a great Father’s Day!
Well, if you twisted my arm…
But, IF I had to put together an IDEAL Father’s Day, it would include these activities:
Breakfast - a nice big one, with scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, and maybe even a small stack of pancakes;
Fishing - a half-day jaunt on a party boat, hopefully yielding some fluke for dinner;
Lunch - two words: pepperoni pizza;
Golf - nine holes with my family, or even a trip to the driving range would suffice;
Dinner - steaks on the backyard grill, with hot dogs and bratwurst cooked in beer, and hopefully some fluke;
Reading - some quiet time by the pool, with a Sam Adams and a Macanudo to keep me company;
Baseball game - checking out the local minor league team for a frugal night at the ballpark;
A nitecap - for me and my wife.
That would be an ideal Father’s Day for me. So, did I miss anything? What would you rather do?
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Down to One Cup of Coffee
I’m almost there. I’m down to one cup of coffee per day. What a long day it is! I’m almost ready to break the caffeine addiction that started in high school. But I have a feeling that I’ll stick to the one cup for a little while, because old habits die hard: I’d been stuck on two cups a day since the end of March.
Don’t talk to me before my morning coffee…
If you’ve followed my progress here and here, you know my backstory. Giving up this habit is no small sacrifice. I have my one cup, really a mug, in the morning before I go to work. I fill that sucker up almost to the rim, because I know that it’s the last coffee that I’ll taste until the next morning. I also drink it black, so it’s 100% caffeinated goodness.
It makes sense cents
I can’t ignore the financial benefits. Where we used to go through two cans of java each week, now we buy one can every two to three weeks. Given the price of the stuff, I can estimate a $300 - $400 savings over the course of a year. Not too shabby! Now, if I could give up cigars, we’d be talking some serious money. But one bad habit at a time. So much for the economics. Has it improved my demeanor?
I’ll be seeing less of you, old friend
Giving up the cup after dinner was torture! I’m glad I didn’t put a time limit on this goal, because each step has been a struggle. Sure, it’s made me less jittery, helped me sleep better, and saved me some money. I find that I don’t sweat as much. Even my teeth are whiter. But this is COFFEE! It was a dear, old friend. It’s been with me through all-night cramming in high school, and term papers in college. It’s resuscitated me in the morning after a late night of bar-hopping. It’s been an afternoon pick-me-up at work. It kept me alert during my baby son’s nighttime feedings, lest I stick the bottle in his ear.
A grouch with a capital “G”
But all relationships lose their spark over time. You start to notice flaws in the other party. Coffee was no exception. Java also brought out some of my less-than-charming qualities. I won’t miss those. Neither will the people that have to put up with me on a daily basis. Hopefully, in two months or so, I can report that I’ve finally gotten the monkey off my back. It’ll be tough, with all of the iced coffee commercials that arrive just in time for Summer. I’ll just have to suck it up and ignore them.
Besides, it’s barbecue season. Hello, Sam Adams Lager…
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How Long Have You Been At Your Current Job?
My company has an intranet home page where they post service milestones. One of the guys who was featured this week has hit the 40 year mark. FORTY YEARS AT ONE COMPANY! Wow. These guys must be as rare as 300-game winners in baseball. It’s like Cal Ripken playing his entire career with the Orioles. I guess I should applaud his longevity. But when I see people who hit these milestones, I think to myself, “What’s WRONG with this guy? Hasn’t he ever taken a chance on something new?”
Why move around?
Now, I’ve been working a lot less than 40 years, and I’ve worked for many companies in many different industries. I’ve learned new skills by jumping around, as each industry has its own nuances. Working for different bosses has exposed me to a variety of management styles. I’ve been able to glean the best practices of each company that’s employed me. I’m not saying that my career path is for everyone, but I think variety is the spice of life. Working for one company only exposes you to one point of view. In order for a baby bird to fly, it needs to leave the nest. To grow professionally, eventually you need to change jobs. Otherwise, you’ll become a one-trick pony and stagnate.
Spreading my wings
You could argue that while I’ve changed companies throughout my career, I’ve stayed in the same field. True, to a certain extent. But each job that I’ve held was a departure from the previous job’s procedures, responsibilities, managers, coworkers, and customers. Not to mention friends. It’s a bit scary to leave your friends and start over as a stranger at a new job. But I think that I’ve helped the companies that I’ve joined by bringing a fresh perspective to their organization. Being an outsider, I could approach a problem from a different angle than everyone else. But not everyone will welcome your new ideas.
Who does this guy think he is?
If you try to share your successes at your new job, be prepared for some resistance. Everyone’s leery of the New Guy. They don’t know what your true intentions are. I’ve had some of my plans sabotaged by old-timers who wanted to see the New Guy fall on his face. So when you start out, remember to tread lightly. Nobody likes a showoff.
But we’ve always done it this way…
Even after you’ve been accepted by your new coworkers, you may still run into resistance. People like to stay in their comfort zones. I’ve heard “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” more times than I care to remember. Most people are resistant to any kind of change, even if it’s for the better. But keep at it. If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably inclined to embrace change. I say, do more than that. Become an agent of change.
How to survive the new job
I say, take the leap. Sure, you’ll be apprehensive. You’ll probably HATE your new job for at least a few weeks. I know that I did, many times. You won’t know the procedures, and you’ve been dropped into a new corporate culture. You may have a different lunch hour, or maybe you can’t talk on the phone. You’ll feel like a fish out of water. Even when I left a hellhole job, I missed my coworkers. It’s easy to second-guess your decision when you wind up eating lunch by yourself, knowing that your former colleagues are out enjoying Pizza Day.
Now, spread YOUR wings
But don’t let that feeling of unfamiliarity stop you from growing. If you want to make an omelet, you need to break a few eggs. Your career is the omelet. Your new job is one of the eggs. Or maybe it’s the onions and peppers. Whatever. My message is: DON’T BE AFRAID OF CHANGE!
Or in forty years, YOU may be celebrating a one-company career.
Follow me on Twitter: CorpBarbarian
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My Own TPS Report Story
Posted by enrique s in Career, Leadership on June 16th, 2009
Peter, we need to talk about your TPS reports…
If you’ve seen the movie Office Space (if you haven’t, I highly recommend it), you know what a TPS report represents: some mindless drivel that gets consistently generated, its reason for being long forgotten. Earlier in my career, I was assigned the task of producing, with my cohort Clapton (name changed to hide his identity), a weekly report that tracked the hourly budgets for the Engineering department. This, like many things of dubious value, was the brainchild of a tyrant. We would get our data for the report on Monday afternoon, and publish the report by Tuesday afternoon.
Lions 1, Christians 0
The only person, as far as I know, who derived a benefit from reading it, was the maniacal Director of Engineering. Let’s call him Ivan. He was a tyrant, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Ivan the Terrible ruled Russia with an iron fist. He terrorized Clapton and me on a weekly basis, and always disputed the validity of our work. One memorable exchange with Ivan went something like this:
Ivan: Guys, I have a problem. I need the report by Tuesday morning.
Clapton: Sure, we’re a little ahead of schedule, so no problem.
Ivan: (Raising his voice) There IS a problem! WE CAN’T BLAH BLAH BLAH…
You get the picture. Ivan just wanted to pick a fight with someone, and he chose our report for the reason, even after we complied with his demands. He was a bully through and through, from his toes to his beet red, vein-bulging forehead. He had no problem bad-mouthing us to our boss, who just wanted to escape Ivan’s wrath. Our coworkers stood around like a bunch of gazelles who look on dumbfounded as a lion devours one of their own. We were a sacrifice to save the rest of the herd. They were just glad it wasn’t their turn.
I hope the job market picks up soon…
So, as we were forced to produce this drivel week after week, we hashed out revenge scenarios against Ivan. One of Clapton’s favorites had him interviewing Ivan’s son for a position, ripping him to shreds, and launching him from an ejection seat through a hole in the roof. That’s how much he hated Ivan. I’ve had other demanding bosses, many who’ve made me a better worker, but Ivan contributed nothing to my development. The Help Wanted section was required reading each Sunday, but the job market at the time was stagnant.
There is a God: Ivan gets promoted
As a testimony of the Peter Principle, Ivan was eventually promoted out of his position as Director of Engineering. It was felt that he could do more harm to the company’s goodwill by taking over a sensitive development program for the Air Force. Clapton was so happy that I could swear that he was doing cartwheels in the hallway. A sense of relief spread throughout the Finance department, as we were finally free of Ivan’s wrath. We had high hopes for his successor.
Be careful what you wish for…
The replacement was a guy with a 1950’s greaser’s hairstyle. He looked like Count Chocula from the breakfast cereal. Possessed with not one iota of creativity, nor a desire to step outside the established norm, he had us continue the dreaded weekly report. Needless to say, Clapton was not overjoyed. I was ready for a straightjacket. The weekly drudgery continued.
I catch a break
Well, I finally found another company that would have me, and I left the weekly report in Clapton’s capable hands. He and my replacement dealt with Count Chocula until the company was taken over, and then they were free. When Clapton followed me out the door a couple years later, he sent me a manila envelope with a memento from our time together with Ivan: a yellowed copy of our weekly report. I keep it in my desk drawer as a reminder of my mission…
The moral of this story…
It takes an Ivan to force the creation of a TPS report, but the Count Choculas of the world enable it to remain a thorn in your side. The TPS report becomes an unstoppable force of nature, seemingly a living thing with a life of its own. I’ve made it a personal mission to ensure that these wretched pet projects never get off the ground in the first place. If I ever waver, I just have to look in my desk drawer for my symbolic mission statement.
Do you have your own TPS report? Has anyone ever asked if you have a case of the Mondays? ;-) Let us know in the comments.
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