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Don’t Seek Pity

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Having an Italian mother-in-law who loves cooking, my waistline is under constant attack from lasagna, stuffed artichokes, calzones, and depending on the season, Easter Pie.  Whenever I let it slip that I’m on a diet, she always says the same thing: “You can’t have any?  I feel bad for you!”  Well mom, save your pity for some other fat-ass.  I’m fine with my dietary tribulations.  For those keeping score, I’m down over thirty pounds since mid-February.

It recently got me thinking about the people that I pity, and not just the ones that are suffering through diets.  I pity the people who:

Are afraid to try something new - I’m constantly frustrated by people who repeat the same behavior, and expect a different outcome.  They complain about there crappy jobs, but somehow manage to stay at them for 20 years.  I’d rather blow my brains out than stay at an uninteresting job, or one where my boss is a constant pain in the balls.  Change is good.  Fear of the unknown keeps us in our cages.  Here’s the secret: there’s no lock on the cage.  Seek your bliss.

Always follow the rules - When I started with my current company, there was this old-timer who had been pushed to the side, the on-deck circle to retirement.  He used to run the Finance department like a taskmaster.  He had rules for everything, which his subordinates followed as faithfully as the Red Guards followed Chairman Mao.  Everyone did everything the same exact way, because they were told to by this old-timer.  After his retirement, his former charges were lost, because they never had to think on their own.  I survived just nicely, thank you, because I always think outside the box.  Don’t ever be afraid to agitate against stupidity.

Never challenge themselves - On New Years Day 2010, my son bet me that I couldn’t lose 30 pounds by Opening Day of the baseball season.  Instead of junk food, I put my money where my mouth was, and won the bet.  Having gained nearly all of the weight back, I opted this year for a radical, probably unhealthy crash diet of my own creation, and dropped over 30 pounds in a month and a half, about half the time as last year.  Why did I go to such an extreme?  Just to see if I could do it.  Life is a laboratory.  Try some experiments.

Never learn from their mistakes - As I recently wrote in this post, I struggle to break my own vicious cycles.  I’ve taken to writing down my failures, so that I’ll have a cause-and-effect for future reference, and hopefully not repeat my mistakes.  But life is not a flowchart.  I think the key is to make informed decisions before acting on your impulses.

So, maybe I’ve demonstrated that I’m not such a heartless bastard, in that I can show pity for others.  Or maybe you can read through my sarcasm, and realize that I haven’t changed much.

I’d better write that one down…

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PB & J, All the Way

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As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve gotten my act together, and dropped some weight.  Like Flitcraft in The Maltese Falcon, I’d fallen back into a familiar groove of eating too much of, well, everything.  The obvious result was the eclipse of my feet by my fat gut.  After having trouble catching my breath after climbing a flight of stairs, I vowed to take swift, drastic action.  This action took the form of my latest diet scheme.

My scheme would probably be discredited by any legitimate nutritionist, and it’s not for the faint of heart.  There are no studies to back up its validity, save for my rapid weight loss, which sits at 21 pounds in 31 days.  My secret?  I only eat one meal a day.  And it’s not much of a meal, at that.  Peanut butter and jelly on two slices of whole grain bread is probably on a par nutrion-wise as the old bread-and-water prison diet.  I’m sure what I’m doing is very unhealthy, but the ends will justify the means.  I’m not winded anymore when climbing the stairs, and I can see my feet again.  Looks like it’s time for a shoe shine.

But don’t worry about me.  A few more pounds, and I’ll start a more reasonable eating plan, which was developed by an honest-to-goodness doctor.  It’s right up my alley, as it includes steak.  And a cheat day.

I can’t wait.

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  • weight loss chart2.2 Pounds Gained This Week... WTF Pardon my french, but I am at a bit of a loss... I stuck to my diet more rigorously this last week than I had been since near the beginning of my journey. If anything my portions may have been a little large with the evening meal. I have started......
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Regression Analysis

Actual is not normal (a tribute to Edward Tufte)
Photo by kevindooley

No, not that kind of regression analysis, with standard deviations and charts.  I’m talking about why we personally regress back to our bad habits.  Why, after a diet struggle and weight loss, that we gorge ourselves on junk food?  Why, after pinching pennies for months, or even years, do we jump into a financing offer that we couldn’t refuse?  Why do we mindlessly waste our late-night hours surfing the internet, when we could be getting a good night’s sleep, and be ready to attack the new day?  Well, how the hell should I know?  I’ve been guilty of all three scenarios.

There’s just something about that first barbecue of the Spring.  It’s like the pilot has turned off the No Eating and Drinking sign.  When I smell those hot dogs on the grill, the reptile part of my brain takes over, and I attack those bratwurst like a hungry Komodo dragon.  I know that the food is bad for me, especially in the quantities consumed.  The Sam Adams that washes it down will never be mistaken for a whey shake.  There goes the waistline.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

Strolling through Best Buy or PC Richard, I’ll spy the new big-screen, 60″, LCD HDTV.  Holy crap, 0% financing for 12 months!  I’ll take two!  But I know what will happen after the year is up, and the interest rate jumps to 18%.  But that Giants-Redskins game sure is gonna look nice.  Throw in the Blu-ray player, and we have a deal.  Who cares about the kid’s college fund?  Again, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

No matter how we try, it’s hard to resist temptation, to differentiate between wants and needs.  Here are the steps that I took:

The Bobby Sands-inspired Diet - For the last month, I’ve followed an eating plan that would make an IRA hunger-striker proud.  I’ve only eaten one meal a day.  This usually takes the form of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner.  I’ve been taking in around 500 calories a day, if I have an apple for a snack.  It’s not the heathiest diet nutrition-wise, but I’ve dropped 16 pounds in the last 3 1/2 weeks.  It’s a drastic plan, and not for everyone.  Find what works for you.  After I’ve taken off about 20 pounds, I’ll start a sane eating plan.  Like the Metabolic Diet.  And I’ll start exercising again.

Do You Still Take Cash? - I remember when I got my American Express card after I graduated college.  I laid that baby on the table when I went out to dinner with my friends, and felt like a Big Shot.  When the bill came in the next month, I felt like a Big Douchebag.  Another lesson learned the hard way.  To resist temptation, I’ve handed over all of my credit cards to my wife for safekeeping.  I’m a cash-only guy now.  Screw the reward points, I don’t miss the monthly bills.  It gives me great satisfaction knowing that whatever I’ve paid for will be collecting no interest for Citibank to dole out to its CEO.

Lights Out! - Getting up early makes me tired at night, forcing me to hit the hay at a decent hour.  I’m now rarin’ to go when I wake up, ready to start my assault on the world with my tank full.  A reverse vicious cycle.  I really don’t miss browsing through Baseball Reference or IMDB, or Knifeforums or Equipped to Survive, in lieu of sleep.  Another bad habit bites the dust.

I’ve taken the steps to stop the vicious cycle of obesity, debt, and lack of sleep.  I’ve got a long way to go.  I’m sure that many of you do, too.  We’ll always make mistakes, but we can learn from them.  Just try not to make the same mistakes over and over again.

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The Wisdom of Joe McCarthy

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Pitchers and catchers.  Ah, words to warm my winter-chilled heart.  Spring Training has begun, and my mind wistfully recalls the smell of the earth thawing in my backyard.  Can infield practice be far away?

What better time to segué into another baseball-themed post.  Today’s victim is Joe McCarthy, the one-time Yankees manager (not that other prick, the senator who hunted commies).  McCarthy had much success, and like most successful people, he had a list of “isms”.  Many can be applied not only to baseball, but to real life as well:

Nobody ever became a ballplayer by walking after a ball.

Pete Rose was a lousy gambler, but a terrific player, probably because he busted his ass on every play.  You’d never see old Charlie Hustle loaf after a fly ball.  If you don’t have the passion to do something, maybe you’re in the wrong line of work.  Find your bliss.  Then give it your all.

You will never become a .300 hitter unless you take the bat off your shoulder.

You may want to be successful, but you have to put yourself in a position to be successful.  That means preparation and execution.  Do you have the training to be the best in your field?  Good.  But reading books is just part of the equation.  You need to hone your craft by practicing it.

An outfielder who throws in back of a runner is locking the barn after the horse is stolen.

I hate to mention that overused word, but even McCarthy back in the day knew that you had to be proactive rather than reactive.  Get your head out of your ass, and anticipate what’s coming.

Keep your head up and you may not have to keep it down.

To me, this talks about being a good person.  Your character can be ruined in minutes.  When you’re at work, leave the booze, drugs, and gossip at home.

When you start to slide, SLIDE. He who changes his mind may have to change a good leg for a bad one.

Indecision.  People, fearing that they’ll make the wrong choice, make no choice at all.  The problem with this line of thinking is that your future is decided for you.  I like to be in control of my destiny.  It’s part of my shit-or-get-off-the-pot philosophy.  Once I decide on a well-thought out strategy, I follow it through to the end.

Do not alibi on bad hops. Anyone can field the good ones.

Everyone makes mistakes.  That’s how we grow as people.  But learn from your mistakes, so that when the same situation arises, you don’t make the same mistake twice.  A bad hop is a challenge.  Rise to the challenge.

Always run them out. You never can tell.

When the situation looks hopeless, it usually is.  Usually doesn’t mean 100% of the time.  I don’t believe in fate.  If I can find one small glimmer of hope, then I’m going for it.

Do not quit.

Quitting is the act of stopping work, of refusing to move forward.  I’m no quitter, which has pissed a lot of people off who expected me to follow the rest of the flock.  My cousin, a recovering alcoholic, had a drawing of a frog being eaten by a stork, or crane, or some other fucking long-necked bird.  The frog, in the process of being swallowed, starts strangling the bird.  The caption reads, “Don’t Quit”.  Don’t worry, cuz, I won’t.  Ever.

Try not to find too much fault with the umpires. You cannot expect them to be as perfect as you are.

People who blame others for their misfortunes have a victim’s mentality.  I’m no victim, so I don’t bitch.  Not too much, anyway.  Take responsibility.  Tough shit.  Life is unfair for everybody.

A pitcher who hasn’t control hasn’t anything.

You can have all of the advantages in life, like good looks, wealth, health, and smarts.  If you can’t control yourself, whether by spending more than you earn, or drinking in excess, then you’re wasting your gifts.  Partying hard is for college.  Get your shit together and be an adult.

Ah, smell that dirt…

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It’s Been a Long Time, But I’m Back

I’m back after nearly two months of non-activity.  Non-activity on this blog, maybe, but plenty of goings-on in my personal life.  A close family member’s health took a nosedive starting last Fall, and the person passed away at the beginning of the New Year.  This person’s illness and death has had a drastic impact on my family, and that’s where most of my attention has been paid for the past few months.  But I’m forcing myself to get back into this, so you’ll again be treated to my sarcastic, poorly-written drivel in the coming days.  Thanks for having the patience to wait, and continuing to visit my site.  And a belated Happy New Year!

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Cold-Blooded Christmas Shopping

Devourage
Photo by Lasse Havelund

I had a unique experience the last time we were shopping for a new car. Just before the salesman threw out his latest price, I had taken a bite of the complimentary biscotti that the dealership provided. Lacking any liquid to wash it down with, I tried to speak, and had to stifle a cough as I choked on the crumb in my windpipe. My non-response to his latest quote forced the salesman into action, as my silence was taken as a “no”.  “Let me check with my manager.  I’ll be right back.”  Before I could stop him, he was gone.  I guess he didn’t notice my bulging eyes and red face.

He returned after about ten minutes, with a lower offer in hand.  On that day, not only did I get a lower price on a car, but I also learned something: sometimes the best action is no action at all.  Or, no perceived action.  I didn’t tip my hand, and by doing so, called his bluff.  The fact that it was accidental was incidental.

The whole experience made me think of how a snake hunts.  The snake doesn’t go crashing through the woods, sporting day-glo orange outerwear.  The snake lies quietly in wait.  The mouse that it’s got it sights on does all the work.  The mouse’s impatience costs it more than a few dollars on a transaction; impatience costs the mouse its life.  The mouse moves into striking distance, and the snake has a meal.  A cold-blooded killer, the snake is.

And my silence to the salesman’s offer was rather cold-blooded, too.  We humans are social creatures, and the back-and-forth banter that is the sales pitch is part of our nature.  By not following the script, I forced the salesman to up the ante, and got a better deal out of it.  I’m not saying that I got the greatest deal possible; all I’m saying is that keeping my mouth shut for a change actually saved me some dough.

So the next time you’re out shopping for a big-ticket Christmas gift like an LED TV, give the silent treatment a shot.  It might save you a few bucks.

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A Letter to Santa

Santa

I know - I'm going to Hell.

Photo by jurvetson

Dear Santa,

Enrique here again. Hope you had a nice summer. How is Mrs. Claus? I’ve been extra good this year, and I therefor have a long list of demands-err, I mean requests, for presents.

But let me start off by thanking you for the presents you brought last year. My 401(k) is looking healthier, and I don’t feel like I’m flushing my weekly payroll deduction down the toilet anymore. The Yankees didn’t completely alienate Jeter, and Mariano didn’t fall into the clutches of the evil Red Sox (attempted revenge for the Sparky Lyle trade, no doubt). I’m still employed, unlike many of my former colleagues, and the recent layoffs have made me more appreciative of that fact. OK, enough of the ass-kissing, now on to the good stuff.

I’ve been hearing that GE stock will rise into the mid-20’s. Can you help out with that? It will allow me to retire before I’m 85, and allow me to avoid being a greeter at Walmart, which is a good thing, because, unlike you, I’ll probably be a real surly bastard in my old age.

This job creation thing that Obama keeps talking about, can you run that to ground? My former colleagues, like Patrick, have that blank look in their eyes when the rest of us survivors start bitching about work. It takes all the fun out of it. A job for Patrick, and a multitude of others, would be a nice gift on Christmas morning.

Hey Kringle, I know your sleigh is reindeer-powered, but have you noticed that gas prices are close to 3 and a half bucks a gallon on Long Island? And what perfect timing - Muscles Marinara starts driving in a couple of months. I’ll need a home equity loan to get him through driver’s ed. Here’s hoping for an oil glut.

I know I shouldn’t be greedy, and any Pirates fan would be glad to trade places with me, but how about some starting pitching for the Yankees? And please, no Carl Pavano. I’d rather have four more years of Jimmy Carter. There’s a lefty in Texas that needs a gentle push towards the Bronx. Tell Andy he’s too young to retire.

The rest of my requests are small, like maybe a healthy offensive line for the Giants, and a sore shoulder for Cliff Lee. Sorry, the bitterness just crept out. And I thought he was a lock to join his buddy C.C. in the rotation. It was LeBron James all over again.

So, thanks again, Santa, for the gifts you brought this past year, and please do your best with this year’s requests. Especially the starting pitching.

I’ll leave some extra cookies out if you come through.

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Raking Leaves and Debt Reduction

My son was in debt to me for a video game that he wanted.  Not just any video game; the new edition of Call of Duty: Black Ops.  I could have let him off the hook, but I wanted to teach him a lesson.  Never say that I’m not practical.

His vehicle for working off his debt would be a yard cleanup.  There were plenty of leaves covering the lawn, and I would have had my work cut out for me if I did it myself.  So with his big brother slaving away at a college paper, I enlisted the services of my debtor, my youngest son, Muscles Marinara (He’s earned that moniker from his Pauly D-inspired haircut, his new-found passion for lifting weights, and the fact that he’s half-Italian).

He was astonished that he’d have to clean up the leaves by hand.  Our shed was devoid of any power equipment for the task.  It was good old-fashioned rakes and lawn bags.  Muscles was stunned.  If we didn’t have a power type of leaf blower, then surely we must own at least this kind:

lawnsweeper41gsz4dkrl_sl500_aa300_

I don’t even have one of those pop-up barrels to make life easier:

barrel41w0zff0e2l_sl500_aa300_

No matter.  We commenced with the raking, taking turns holding open the cheap, one-ply, town-provided leaf bags that tear open if you even happen to glance at them sideways.  After several bagfulls, he was looking longingly at the Lawn Freak on his super tractor, maybe wishing he would adopt him and save him from this madness.

leaftractor51ondpxmrzl_sl160_

Instead, he had to listen to me drone on in metaphors.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: Let’s get cracking.  Think of each leaf that you put in the bag as a smidgen of your debt getting erased.  Eventually, the lawn will be clean, and your debt paid off.

Muscles Marinara: Eventually?  Dude, this sucks!  Don’t we have a leaf blower or something?

Me: Nope.  Less complaining, more raking.

Muscles: I’m just sayin’, bro.  It would go much faster if we had a leaf blower.

Me: It would go a lot faster if you’d stop talking.

Muscles: Even the jerk (aka The Lawn Freak; jerk is a pet name for him) across the street doesn’t use a rake.

Me: He also doesn’t have a teenage son who’s working off a debt.  Next time, save up for that video game.

Muscles: Dude, it was the new Call of Duty, and it’s too cold to wash cars (his primary source of income).  Ima get a bottle of water, yo’.

Me: Hey! (Restraining myself from telling him again that his grandparents spoke better English when they got of the boat) Don’t be long.

While he was inside the house, I managed to fill a few more bags by myself.  He returned from his break, and we gradually polished off the entire yard.

Me: See? It’s like eating an elephant - one bite at a time.

Muscles: Dude, that was weak.  I hate raking leaves!

Me: Maybe you’ll question your “need” to buy things when you don’t have the cash.  See how long it took to pay off that video game?

Muscles: I guess.  The next time I want something, I’ll wait for Christmas, yo’.

Me: Good idea.  It was nice having you on the books - bro!

I just hope the lesson wasn’t lost on him.  He’s a pretty bright kid, the pseudo-ghetto-talk notwithstanding.  I hope that, many years from now, when he’s tempted to blow for an expensive trinket, he hearkens back to the day when he had to work hard and long to pay off his debt.

As he would say, that would be beast, yo’.

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Derek Jeter, or How to Alienate Employees and Fans Alike

Baseball All Star Derek Jeter
Photo by Rafael Amado Deras

While he’s recently been treated shabbily by the Yankees, it’s hard to feel too bad for Derek Jeter. I’m sure he’s still got a few bucks left over from his last gargantuan contract, not to mention his endorsement deals. While he’s gotten the cold sholder from his employer, he can bask in the warm glow of five championships.  What Ernie Banks would give for just one of Jeter’s rings.  But I can relate to his plight.

The consensus by most people is that Jeter is being unreasonable in his demands.  Forty-five million over three years isn’t chump change.  Jon Garland just signed for $5 million for one year, and he arguably had a better year than the Yankee captain.  While most Yankee-haters have always felt that Jeter was overrated and overpaid, at this time, they may be justified in their thinking.

But what about all the great memories he created?  Diving headlong into the stands, catching not only the ball, but a few stitches.  The play at the plate against the A’s.  His Mr. November moment against the Diamondbacks, which was like salve in the wounds after 9/11.  Should he be rewarded for past performance, even though his skills have diminished?  Who else would play shortstop next year, Ramiro Peña?

pena51kplwgdwdl__sl160_

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable.  There will be other Yankee shortstops in the coming years, but only one Derek Jeter.  There were never any scandals about banging strippers or taking steroids (If anything, maybe he should hit the weights a little more).  He was always clutch, and cool under pressure, in the same vein as Joe Montana or Tom Brady.  A true Yankee, someone to be counted on, the anti-A-Rod.

Without Jeter, there is no YES Network.  Probably no New Yankee Stadium, either.  He helped fill those seats, and sell those replica jerseys.  Think of the money wasted on pretenders like Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, Jeff Weaver, Jaret Wright, and Chan-Ho Park.  They didn’t sell many of their jerseys, I would bet.  There will be more money to be made as he chases hit number 3,000.  So here’s Mr. Jeter, being portrayed as a greedy bastard in the media, through leaks provided by his own team, no less.  This is where I can relate. 

Several years ago, at my last job, they hired a new manager in my department.  She lacked both the experience and competence that your favorite barbarian displayed, but she was brought on at a higher salary, with a signing bonus, to boot.  She must have had a kickass interview.  This was after I came in, with pneumonia, in order to get the auditors to sign off on our financial statements.  After I came back to work, between the hours of my brother’s wake, to make sure things got done.  No problem, I figured that they’d correct this injustice at raise time.  I was wrong.

My recourse, since they had no contract to hold me, was to seek employment elsewhere.  All of a sudden, several generous offers were made to entice me to stay.  I’ve always felt that if you set out to do something, you should follow through to the end, like that kid wrestler in Vision Quest.  In other words, if you’re going to talk the talk (threaten to quit), you should walk the walk (actually quit).  I told them, “It’s been real, but…”

Fate hasn’t treated many Yankee captains well.  Thurman Munson died too young.  Graig Nettles was run out of town.  Willie Randolph got the bum’s rush in favor of Steve Sax.  Even Donnie Baseball was forced into retirement to make room for Tino Martinez.  This week, some ingenious creative person imagined Jeter in the other 29 team’s uniforms.  Let’s hope he doesn’t walk the walk, whether to another team, or into retirement.

Because they’ll be no parade in the Canyon of Heroes next year if Ramiro Peña is at short on Opening Day.

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Smokers at the Office Unite!

Smoking kills you...
 Photo by` TheDreamSky ê¿�꾸ë�� í��ë��

I overheard, (or eavesdropped, if you want to get technical about it), two guys at work having a gripe session about goofing off.  The conversation meandered from solitaire players, to phone hogs, and finally, to smokers.  Smokers waste so much time each day.  Smokey Joe is never around when you need him.  They should be the next ones laid off.

Whoa, fellas, take it easy.  I think you’re going a little overboard here.  Too much generalizing.  Not every smoker is a goof off.  I work with several who are in high positions in the company.  These are people who work their asses off, who put in long days, and get results.  If they want to squeeze in a half hour a day for their addiction, so be it.  Smoking is part of who they are.

While I do enjoy an occasional cigar, I have never been a cigarette smoker.  I can remember my first real job, where smoking was allowed at everyone’s desk, à la Mad Men

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Soon after, the company limited smoking to floor-to-ceiling offices.  You can guess what happened: people without offices started congregating in the smokers’ offices.  You’d walk in and think you were in a card game in a social club.  Finally, smoking was banned inside the building, forcing smokers to loiter around the entrances like a bunch of left-back high school delinquents.

But can’t these intelligent people kick the habit?  Well, maybe they don’t want to.  They like to smoke.  As Malcolm Gladwell theorized, people smoke because they think it’s cool.  All of the ads with the guy with the hole in his larynx won’t make a dent in the hardcore’s habit.  Maybe they look forward to that nicotine fix the way you look forward to your daily donut, fatass.

So smokers, watch your backs.  There are disgruntled colleagues ready to offer you up for sacrifice.  Be mindful of the time you spend near the ash tray, because somebody is watching.

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