Beware of the Office Snitch!

Head to head
Photo by AlexK100

Today, at work, I had an encounter with a shadowy figure;  a cunning, pernicious specter;  a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I caught him in the act, doing what he does best: undermining the cohesiveness of the workforce.  He’s that well-known office stool pigeon.  Smell a rat?  It must be the Office Snitch!

What’s up, guys?

It starts innocently enough.  A new face joins your watercooler conversations about football, or horse racing.  He never adds much to the chat, but he takes it all in.  He does ask some probing questions, though, and not about sports.  He’ll ask if you feel overloaded, or if you don’t have enough to do.  Or what you really think of the director.  Your guard is down, because there’s a certain given sanctity to office bullshitting.  So you offer an opinion.

Err, but I mean that in a good way…

And as the words are coming out of your mouth, you realize in that instant that you’ve made a mistake.  Because you know Mr. Pipeline is going to repeat what you said, verbatim, to the director.  Because the Office Snitch is an asskisser bar none.  Shamelessly so.  And he’ll use whatever intel that he picks up to further his standing with the higher-ups.

By the book

There’s the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law.  Sure, maybe you’re checking out the latest trade rumors on ESPN.com, but your work is finished, and everyone’s happy.  Ten minutes of internet browsing isn’t going to hurt anybody.  But the Office Snitch doesn’t see it that way.  He’s a letter of the law guy, through and through.  He never takes his foot off the accelerator, and expects the same of everyone.  As you can probably guess, he’s a real joy to work for.

A bag of tricks

His latest trick is to circle around the office, and secretly check up on what people are doing.  I’m sure the director loves having a toady who’s as loyal as the Office Snitch.  But what the director doesn’t understand is that the Snitch is a divisive force.  He’s killing morale with his weasely ways.  People are growing distrustful of each other.  It’s the Orwellian world of 1984 in microcosm.

Disciples

What’s even worse, is that he’s franchising.  He’s holding a recruiting drive.  So now, we not only have the Snitch to worry about, but we have to be on the lookout for his minions.  Where does it end?  Is there no hope?

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Well, the best way to combat this cloak-and-dagger espionage is to confront it.  Once a secret is exposed, it’s not a secret anymore.  One of my coworkers asked the Snitch while he made his loop of the office, “What the #&@$ are you doing?  There’s nothing to see here.”  Or words to that effect.  The patrols stopped abruptly.  I guess it’s not as much fun being a tattletale when everyone knows what you’re up to.  I’ll have to see if this tactic worked.

Anyone else had to deal with a snitch in the office?

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Sandbagging Your Personal Budget

Contenci�³n
Photo by 8zil

sand·bag (sndbg)

v.intr. Slang

To downplay or misrepresent one’s ability in order to deceive someone, especially in gambling.

One of the program managers that I work with likes to hedge his bets by painting a bleaker picture than he should, in order to easily “make his numbers”.  He’s a sandbagger extraordinaire, and I marvel at how he gets away with it.  He’ll forecast his sales with a three-month slip in deliveries, even though he knows that he’s bound to the contractual dates.  He pads his cost estimates on projects, never projecting any savings until the project is over.  He should have theme music playing when he walks to the podium, maybe Led Zeppelin’s “When the Levee Breaks”.  The accountants hate him, and I always take his forecasts with a grain of salt.  In his world, the buzzards are always circling overhead, and there is no upside.  He errs on the side of caution.  If he ever loses his job, there’s a levee somewhere that could use his expertise.

Uhh, where did I put those sandbags?

Actually, he may have a point.  What if we apply this concept to our personal budgets?  You know, when we project next year’s expenses.  Wait, you mean you haven’t done that yet?  I’ve already forecasted two years into the future.  Maybe I’m overzealous, but I like to have my path laid out in front of me.  If you’d like, you can use the budget file that I created in Excel that I talked about in this post: Low Budget.

Time to fill them up

My point is, leaving a little breathing room in your budget is a good thing.  The extra padding that you add to your expenses will cover the little things that we never budget for.  I can think of several examples of unexpected expenses, such as:

  • School pictures;
  • Magazine subscriptions that you forgot about renewing;
  • Fees for school field trips;
  • Girl Scout cookie drives at work.

So, how exactly do we accomplish this?  I like to look back at my expenses from year to year.  I’ll calculate the escalation in cost as a percent, and add that to the latest expense amount for that budget item.  For example, let’s look at car insurance.  I’ll look back at my last three years, and come up with an average growth rate in the premiums:

Car Insurance Premiums

  • 2006: $2,000
  • 2007: $2,100, a 5% growth
  • 2008: $2,400, a 14.3% growth
  • 2009: $2,500, a 4.2% growth

I can take the average growth for the period in question, and add that to the current year’s expense to come up with a number for next year.  In this case, I can just take the increases by year and divide by three.  That would give me 7.8%.  If I wanted to get technical, I could take the $500 increase and divide it by three, and then divide the answer by 2,000, which would give me 8.3%.  Whatever.  I’ll round it to 8%.  It’s close enough for a projection.  That would compute to a $200 increase over the current premium.  Now, I’ll sandbag it by adding another 2%, or $50.  In total, I’ll add 10% onto this year’s premium, or $250.  The extra fifty bucks will either go in my pocket, or pay for some other middling expense that I forgot to budget for.  I’ll use this process for any expense item that varies from year to year.  Any items with fixed payment amounts, like a car loan, wouldn’t get any padding.

By sandbagging your expenses, you’ll create a cushion in your budget for any unexpected items that arise.  And you won’t feel like a cheapskate when Girl Scout cookie season starts at work.

livelargebudget518cd0qgjl_sl160_

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Don’t Just Answer the Question

Question mark in Esbjerg
Photo by alexanderdrachmann

I was on a conference call today with two of my coworkers.  One of them, a program manager,  was asking questions about a specific contract, and the other, a contracts administrator, was giving simple yes or no answers.  The program manager finally became frustrated, and said, half-joking, “Oh, so you’ve become one of those ‘answer-the-question’ guys instead of just telling me what I need.” The statement was thought-provoking, at least to me, so I decided to take it further.

Just the facts, ma’am…

On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with just answering a question.  It’s the fastest way to convey information to someone who needs it.  But what if your answer doesn’t give the person the complete picture?  It’s been said that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  If someone relies on your answer to validate their own wrong assumptions, then disaster could be looming.  For example, if someone asks you where the door to the staircase is located, and you point it out, you’ve answered the question.  The person then steps through the doorway and slips on the freshly painted staircase.  Oops.  Knowing that little detail might have given the person pause, and averted disaster.

You forgot one minor detail…

But taking it further, what if you intentionally answer the question and nothing but the question?  For example,  a person asks if you’ve shut the electricity off to a circuit.  You answer, “Yes, I did.”  What you neglect to inform him is that while you did in fact shut off the electricity, you also turned it back on again.  This amounts to conveying a half-truth to the questioner.  He won’t appreciate that after he gets a shock.

What comes around…

And that’s where the problem lies for you.  Payback, and karma, are a bitch.  This can only result in some sort of retaliation from the wronged party.  You  might be written up, or have your credibility questioned.  You might even get the shit kicked out of you for being such a wise ass.

…goes around

So, whether you’re at work or at your leisure, remember to always come clean.  Give the person asking the question a complete answer, and spare no detail.  While it might be too much information, better to err on the side of caution.  You don’t need another beating.

Follow me on Twitter: CorpBarbarian

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A Tale of Two Meetings

Office
Photo by Svadilfari

I had two meetings yesterday.  One was a status meeting with a group of engineers, and the other was a meeting with a proposal manager.  What struck me was the difference in how people behaved during each of the meetings.

…it was the spring of hope…

The first meeting, with the engineers, was a weekly status meeting on a development program.  It was held in a conference room in the engineering area of my building.  The conference room was a bare-bones affair, with a nondescript table and chairs, and no windows.  The walls were covered with project schedules, and every available inch of counter space held a prototype of some unknown product.  This was where work got done.  It was cramped, to be generous, and I kept hitting elbows with the lefty seated to my right.

…it was the winter of despair…

The second meeting, with the proposal manager, was held in a conference room that was brightly lit from a south-facing window.  This room was located in what is commonly referred to as “mahogany row”, the executive area of the building.  The only reason you ever get called down there is to take your lumps in front of the VP for some screw up.  It’s the place where angels fear to tread.  But I digress.  This cavernous conference room had a shiny cherry wood table with matching chair rail, and plush leather chairs that I could have taken a nap in.  The matching cherry sidebar held two trays of pastries.  First class, all the way.

Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence. There’s no better rule. - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Guess which meeting was more productive?  While the engineers in the first meeting resembled a frat party, the proposal meeting took on the ambiance of a court martial.  My great expectations were dashed.  The first meeting, in the crappier conference room, offered a forum for everyone to speak freely.  Problems were addressed, without judgments being passed for minor errors.  There was a positive vibe, an exuberance that though they had experienced some setbacks, they could ultimately make the design work.  The second meeting had all of the exuberance of a chess match.  Things were not going well for this proposal, and time was running out.  I had the sense that everyone was sharpening their knives, ready to pounce on the person who dared to utter a discouraging word.  After an hour and change, not much was accomplished.

My point?  It doesn’t take fancy conference rooms and ultra-modern equipment to get things accomplished; what matters most is the mix of people involved.  Surround yourself with the wrong crew, and misery awaits.  Find the right people, and you can accomplish anything.  To paraphrase Dickens, it will be a far, far better thing that you do for your career, than you have ever done.

I have another proposal meeting this afternoon.  I hope they still have pastries.

Follow me on Twitter: CorpBarbarian

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Take the Fork in the Road

And unto Edward appeared a fork
Photo by Ed.ward

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” - Yogi Berra

Many of us were stuck last week awaiting further clarification on a hot assignment that was due later in the day.  The assignment could be interpreted in two different ways.  Most of my coworkers literally stopped in their tracks;  they were paralyzed by not having complete instructions for carrying out the task, and didn’t want to proceed, lest they waste their efforts.  I, on the other hand, took a novel approach:  I did the assignment twice, covering each possible outcome, while they contemplated The Road Not Taken.

Woof, woof

We’re used to following instructions.  Do Step 1 before proceeding to Step 2.  We’ve been conditioned throughout our childhood so that we can become good workers when we graduate college.  We’re not taught to question authority; that would be counterproductive in a corporate setting.  But this leads to a dependence upon management, the Alpha Males and Females in the wolf pack called Corporate America.  We’re kept in a suppressed state of puppyhood, always following, never leading, waiting for the next order to be barked at us.

Lone wolf

So when one of my coworkers asked for my opinion on how to proceed, my answer shocked her.  “You’re going to do it both ways?  Isn’t that a waste of time?”  Well, it’s also a waste of time to sit around and do nothing while you wait for an answer.  I figured that if I finished one part of the assignment before receiving the instructions, I had a 50-50 chance of being right, and of having the assignment completed.  If I guessed wrong, and “wasted” my effort, I would still be in the same boat as everyone else, so no harm, no foul.  It can be summarized on the following crude flow chart.  Click on the thumbnail for a larger view:

flowchart2j

If you follow the timeline on the left side of the flow chart, you can see that I saved myself about 4 hours because I decided to forge ahead with my assumptions.  My coworkers, who waited for precise instructions before even starting the assignment, finished 4 hours later.  While I was diving headlong into the exercise, they were carping about lack of communication, et cetera, et cetera ad nauseum.

“In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” - Theodore Roosevelt

So, unlike the protagonist in the Robert Frost poem, I didn’t have to wonder about the road not taken, because I took ‘em both.  I chose the wisdom of a New York Yankee over that of a New England Yankee.

And THAT has made all the difference.

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Pitfalls of the Office Coffee Pot

Coffee (wallpaper)
Photo by viZZZual.com

At several of my previous jobs, I belonged to a communal coffee pot.  We paid a fixed amount each month, cleaned up after ourselves, took our turns bringing in milk, sugar, and coffee filters, and set up a fresh pot whenever we drank the last cup in the pot.  Or should I say, that was the theory.  It worked smoother on paper than it did in practice.

The coffee truck is here!

I’ve worked in buildings that had true cafeterias, with egg sandwiches cooked to order, bagels, and tables to sit at.  I’ve worked at places that had “buffeterias”, which were glorified vending machine rooms with a couple of chairs thrown in.  Finally, I’ve worked in places with neither of these luxuries, where you had to keep an ear open to hear the receptionist announce, “Attention please.  The coffee truck is here.” There’s nothing like the sight of the roach coach disappearing from the parking lot while you’re stuck in a meeting, knowing that your next caffeine fix won’t be for several hours.  I felt what a heroin addict feels when a cop flushes his stash down the toilet.  Oh, the horror!

I promise to do my best…

It was at one of these coffee truck-served buildings that I finagled myself into membership in the communal coffee pot.  My buddy Ed, teacher of macros extraordinaire and all things computer-related, nominated me for membership.  Don’t laugh; I was turned down twice.  It would have been easier getting into Harvard.  I must have a dishonest face.  The operation was run by Propeller Head, an aircraft engineer who was obviously brilliant, as his pocket protector was jammed full of ceremonial pens from the various programs that he worked on.  I swore to never let the java in the pot run dry, and my inclusion into this elite fraternity was finally made official.

Scofflaws

Unfortunately, some of my fellow members didn’t follow the creed as religiously as I did.  On several occasions, the smell of burnt coffee emanated from the smoldering urn.  The counter that held our accesories was strewn with used stir sticks and empty Equal packets.  The small refrigerator was often devoid of milk, making us resort to using Coffee Mate, or as Ed called it, “paint chips.”  It was during this time that I learned how to drink my coffee black.  There was much finger-pointing during these lapses in responsibility, and the bad blood even carried over into the day-to-day dealings between coworkers.  You didn’t want to cross old Propeller Head; you’d pay for it later when you needed his input.

Proceed at your own risk

Which is why I’m glad that I don’t drink coffee anymore.  I’m avoiding alot of the nonsense that crops up over petty grievances.  Two guys that I work with now are not on speaking terms because one didn’t promptly pay his monthly dues to the coffee pot.  One of them quit the communal pot and bought one of these for himself:

coffeepot41yi6rtukyl_sl160_

So if you do plan on joining a communal coffee pot in the office, be a good member.  Clean up after yourself.  Don’t forget to bring in milk when it’s your turn.  Make sure to refill the pot when you drain the last cup.  And always pay your dues on time.  It will, at the least, save you some grief, and at the most, maybe your career.

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Jumping on the Yankees Bandwagon

champs517xngeh9hl_sl500_aa280_

Basking in the glow of yet another championship, I was greeted at work this morning by a preponderance of Yankees paraphernalia (I didn’t notice any Phillies or Mets caps.  Even the Red Sox fans are keeping their heads down this week).  Not that I mind; I am a big fan.  But many of these “fans” have just recently jumped on the bandwagon.  They weren’t around when the team started off lousy.  Like sharks, they must have smelled the blood in the water.

Frontrunners

This happened when the Giants won the Super Bowl a couple of years ago, too.  But I’ve found that the most egregious bandwagon jumpers in the workplace.  These are the people that hover around the periphery of a challenging project, keeping their distance until success is assured, usually by someone who’s heavily involved.  Look at any photo that’s posted of the honored “XYZ Team” and you’ll find at least one person who didn’t contribute much to the effort.  These frontrunners weren’t there for the tribulations, but they are immortalized in the lobby photo.

Like rats jumping ship

As much as they seek to be included in the adulations, you can bet that they’ll be conspicuously absent when the project goes bad.  They’ll have moved on to a more successful project, leaving the blame for someone else.  I’ve worked with a guy who made this an art form.  He kept getting reassigned before the shit hit the fan, and left his mess for other people to clean up.  Some companies perpetuate this behavior, as they encourage turnover to promote employee development.  Too often, it becomes The Peter Principle incarnate.

Secret decoder ring

So, how do you recognize a true bandwagon jumper for who they are?  Is there a special way of identifying these sharks, a secret decoder ring for frontrunners?  I’m afraid not.  You’ll probably wind up getting screwed by one, and you’ll be wiser the next time.  Over time, you’ll know who you can count on, and who’ll jump ship at the first sign of trouble.  The ones you can count on will stand by you through thick and thin.  Make sure that you return the favor.

So, I’ll share the ecstasy of this Yankees championship with the frontrunners.  It’s easy to be a fan when things are good; they never had to suffer through horror of Celerino Sanchez at third base, or of Stump Merrill making out a lineup card.  But I know they’ll disappear at the first sign of trouble.  I’ll just make sure that I watch my back.

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Finding Time for Positive Change

Jesper looking for seals
Photo by hagwall

While carving a pumpkin for Halloween this past weekend, I sliced a chunk of my thumb off.  I did a good job, too, with a real sharp hunting knife.  There was enough blood spilled to make my son nauseous.  The four-hour wait in the Emergency Room gave me plenty of time to ponder my situation.

Take a number

I’m fairly patient, especially if I have time to kill.  But four hours was pushing it.  I began to imagine what else I could be doing.  Exercising.  Writing blog posts.  Watching TV.  Wait a minute, I just spent 4 hours watching TV with the other casualties.  I didn’t miss anything.  Could this really be just an excuse to not do something positive?

Get off of your ass

Well, I took this mishap as a positive kick in the ass.  Four hours.  I’m sure that I’ve wasted plenty more than that before I cut my thumb.  I spend at  least a couple hours each night watching TV, and even more when my team is in the World Series (currently with a 3 games to 2 lead).  So I’m going to start tonight, not only because Game 6 isn’t until tomorrow, but because I’ve just told all of you, and I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite.

Excuses, excuses

“I’m just so busy.”

“I can’t get up any earlier.”

“I’m not giving up my lunch hour for that.”

“That’s the time my show is on.”

There’s always time to be found if you really look for it.  There are twenty-four hours in a day, or so I’m told.  So I’ll use one of those for some exercise tonight, and maybe another to do some research for blog posts.  I’ve found my extra time, and I’m not going to piss it away.  I urge you to do the same.

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Happy Halloween!

As we get ready for the trick-or-treaters, here are a few pictures of the pumpkins that I’ve carved over the years.  The Grim Reaper is a talking prop that I made from directions found on the Monster Page of Halloween Projects.  I’ll have to learn how to take pictures in the dark.  Enjoy!

The Grim Reaper

The Grim Reaper

Some pumpkins, or Jack O’Lanterns:

Howling Wolf

Howling Wolf

Cannibal Jack

Cannibal Jack

Evil Grin and Pirate Skull

Evil Grin and Pirate Skull

I can’t seem to find the Harry Potter and Pokemon pumpkins that I carved when my kids were little.  I’ll also try to post this year’s model, which I still have to finish.  Don’t eat too much candy!

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Avoiding Agita: Get a Hard Copy

bild 243
Photo by *_filippo_*

Main Entry: ag·i·ta
Pronunciation: \ˈa-jə-tə\
Function: noun
Etymology: S Italian dial. pron. of Italian acido, literally, heartburn, acid, from Latin acidus
Date: 1982

: a feeling of agitation or anxiety

Agita online

My company maintains databases on an intranet that can be accessed by anyone who has the proper rights.  These databases contain links to documents that have been scanned in a pdf format, such as contracts, purchase orders, invoices, etc.  It’s a step in the right direction towards the goal of a paperless office.  Yeah, right, like that’s going to happen in my lifetime.

404

Sometimes, though, the links are broken.  You try to retrieve a signed copy of a contract, and you get a 404 error.  Or, in a few cases that I’ve come across, the wrong document is attached.  Oops.  It was a good thing that I checked closely, because the billing terms were different, or the shipping address was that of another customer.  You can’t take everything at face value.

Human error

Sometimes, I’ll get an email that contains incorrect information.  If I know it’s bad dope, then I can dispute it.  I’ll reply to the sender that the info is wrong.  But what if I didn’t know better, and I ran with the bad info?  If I screw something up because of it, I can use the excuse that it was in an email, right?  It might not be my fault, but it caused me some agita anyway.

The awful truth

We’ve become conditioned to believe that whatever we read on the computer is the absolute truth.  Why would someone take the time to post mistakes?  It gives us the opportunity not to follow up, because, supposedly, some “expert” has done the heavy lifting for us.  We can easily shift the blame, because they made the mistake of disseminating the bad info.  Shame on them.

The buck stops here

OK, so someone else screwed up, not you.  It wasn’t your fault.  But now, it’s your problem.  But you could have avoided the problem in the first place by performing a little due diligence.  I’m not saying that you have to double-check everyone’s work; just do it on a Pareto basis.  You can bet your ass that if it’s of great importance to my company and to my reputation, that I’m going to ask the person to hand me a hard copy.  Then, I can check it myself, and avoid any problems before they get a chance to happen.  I hate paper copies as much as the next guy, but I can always recycle it later.

So, if you have a job of critical importance, either to your company or your career, give your paperwork another once-over.  It could save you some agita in the long run.

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